Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Has Anyone Ever Been Less Deserving of a Bad-Ass Nickname than This Douche?

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Michael Sullo is a douche. Now I know why you never talked in school. I am officially taking back the nickname I once gave to you.

In a strange twist of fate that can only happen on nights when you frequent the worst of places, we just happened to run into one of the ridiculous names that we had mentioned previously in the night. There were many names being tossed around and bandied about, but this one was extra special. I mean this kid probably hasn't been thought of by anyone in years, let alone had an entire conversation based solely around him (except that one time when it was cold outside and I told Chapter H he had a nice Sullo face going on) and yet, there he is - only minutes after his name was mentioned for the first time in years...he appears like fucking Beetlejuice. And what an appearance it was. This might have been one of the most convincing signs of God's existance that I have experienced in my life, and boy, God must hate one of us.

Let me begin with his introduction. We are standing around talking to his rosy face for no more than ten seconds when Johnny Liberty mentions that he might have seen him at Home Depot a few days earlier.

JL: "Hey man were you at Home Depot a few days ago? I think I may have seen you looking for some power tools."

Han Sullo: "Oh yeah. I thought I might have seen you too, but then I looked and you looked like you were twelve years old so I didn't say anything [Giggle]."

Wait a second. He said, "I thought I might have seen you too, but then I looked and you looked like you were twelve years old," to a tall man with a slighly graying(sorry man) head of hair? BURN! For real? It took you twelve years to come up with that one? Seriously, you've had twelve years to sit quietly, face blushing like a school girl with a crush on her teacher, and that is the best you can come up with. Twelve years to come up with something to say and you bust out that gem? Weak, so weak.

Then Sullo proceeded to say that the rest of us look like we are fourteen, and any kind of comment directed at starting a conversation with him responded with the worst insults of all-time. Not even insults, just childish deflections. I mean he finally talked, and he talked a lot. Yet, everything that came out of his mouth made me yearn for the days when he sat in class like Helen Keller and rejected my heartfelt offers asking if he wanted a glass of "wa-wa."

A cruel twist of fate may have brought us together, the best stocking stuffer of all-time if you will. So here's to you Michael "Han" Sullo. Here's to being the biggest douche in a room full of douches. The only problem was I like all the other douches. Here's to hoping the trail from your backyard to the Rudy's parking lot lasts forever. I liked you better when you didn't talk. Merry Christmas douche.

* I apologize for the personal attack and assasination of this guy's character, but holy geez.