Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Has Anyone Ever Been Less Deserving of a Bad-Ass Nickname than This Douche?

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Michael Sullo is a douche. Now I know why you never talked in school. I am officially taking back the nickname I once gave to you.

In a strange twist of fate that can only happen on nights when you frequent the worst of places, we just happened to run into one of the ridiculous names that we had mentioned previously in the night. There were many names being tossed around and bandied about, but this one was extra special. I mean this kid probably hasn't been thought of by anyone in years, let alone had an entire conversation based solely around him (except that one time when it was cold outside and I told Chapter H he had a nice Sullo face going on) and yet, there he is - only minutes after his name was mentioned for the first time in years...he appears like fucking Beetlejuice. And what an appearance it was. This might have been one of the most convincing signs of God's existance that I have experienced in my life, and boy, God must hate one of us.

Let me begin with his introduction. We are standing around talking to his rosy face for no more than ten seconds when Johnny Liberty mentions that he might have seen him at Home Depot a few days earlier.

JL: "Hey man were you at Home Depot a few days ago? I think I may have seen you looking for some power tools."

Han Sullo: "Oh yeah. I thought I might have seen you too, but then I looked and you looked like you were twelve years old so I didn't say anything [Giggle]."

Wait a second. He said, "I thought I might have seen you too, but then I looked and you looked like you were twelve years old," to a tall man with a slighly graying(sorry man) head of hair? BURN! For real? It took you twelve years to come up with that one? Seriously, you've had twelve years to sit quietly, face blushing like a school girl with a crush on her teacher, and that is the best you can come up with. Twelve years to come up with something to say and you bust out that gem? Weak, so weak.

Then Sullo proceeded to say that the rest of us look like we are fourteen, and any kind of comment directed at starting a conversation with him responded with the worst insults of all-time. Not even insults, just childish deflections. I mean he finally talked, and he talked a lot. Yet, everything that came out of his mouth made me yearn for the days when he sat in class like Helen Keller and rejected my heartfelt offers asking if he wanted a glass of "wa-wa."

A cruel twist of fate may have brought us together, the best stocking stuffer of all-time if you will. So here's to you Michael "Han" Sullo. Here's to being the biggest douche in a room full of douches. The only problem was I like all the other douches. Here's to hoping the trail from your backyard to the Rudy's parking lot lasts forever. I liked you better when you didn't talk. Merry Christmas douche.

* I apologize for the personal attack and assasination of this guy's character, but holy geez.

Friday, May 9, 2008

Editor's Note

So I took some time off to get my life together and some of you fruits have responded with anger. Take it easy. I'm fragile right now. Buzz Bissinger forced me to take a long, hard look at myself in the mirror. What I have come to realize is that although I have a big nose, I'd still fuck me.

The time off hasn't really helped much. I have already swung and missed (twice) and struck out (twice) more in one game than I did all of last season. I got a job working for a J.T. Marlin-like company and when I realized that this place was nothing more than a chop shop sports marketing firm, I began replacing the requisite business professional attire with my newly acquired Stone Cold Steve Austin vest, only no one seemed to care. They thought I was the best best employee ever. What they failed to realize was that I was simply showing up at work to make a complete mockery of everyone in the "office." I also tried to fuck my "boss" and to my surprise, she didn't seem to mind my advances. I didn't get the job done, but hey I tried. Anyway, I'm really going to try bring CPC back to relevancy. When A Tasty Pint is posting more frequently than you are, you have some serious problems.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Italy's Shattered Dreams

Today a stuntman in Italy crashed 007's Aston Martin head-on into another car while filming a chase scene for the new James Bond movie. Apparently, he was gravely injured. But that's nothing compared to the injuries these Italians suffered at the hands of God back in '86. Shattered dreams and shattered backboards.

MJ toys with their emotions, waving the ball in their dirty noses like its a slice of Neapolitan pizza topped with San Marzano tomatoes from the volcanic planes of Mount Vesuvius (I tried to find a Dennis Miller font for the previous sentence, but couldn't find one). Then he goes all Jerome Lane on the Fascists and straight sends it it. Thanks to The Big Lead for linking this video via Docksquad's Sports World.

Guess Who's Bizack?

"Guess who's bizack. You still smellin' crack in my clothes. Don't make me have to relapse on these hoes. I'm out here to grind mo' rapped up in the paper chase. I wanna fuck a fine hoe and Candy Paint the '88."

So what? You got a problem? I've been busy. Leave me the eff alone. DirectTV's Masters MegaMix and offering free online streams. The NHL playoffs starting and Sean Avery doin' work. Watching six baseball games at a time everyday. Gambling profusely. Watching the closing of the NBA season and the beginning of the playoffs. Chris Paul! Spring football. Catching bullpen sessions and sitting in the infield for another long, hot, and boring inning for the Pickles defense. Getting drunk and seeing what kind of dirty things these wildebeests will let me do to them. Getting a fade at the barber shop a la Johnny Starks '92. I might have even fell off the wagon and Rasheed Wallaced a few blunts in the past few weeks. And to top all of that off, apparently, I got arrested or something like that (That's not really me). What happens when all of this hits at the same time? Your blog suffers. And so do the readers. For that I apologize, but I'm still going to choose vajjggg over this shtuff every day of the week.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Sunday, April 6, 2008

gameCock Face Still Dreaming of Yesteryears

Photo Courtesy:

Hey Spurrier, if I were you, I'd spend more time worrying about keeping your players on the field and out of jail and less time remembering your old glory days with Florida.

When asked about Georgia and LSU, Spurrier responded,“I told people that when I was at Florida, we beat both of them 11 out of 12.”

Really? I told Jimmy you're still a douche. Want some proof?

Meanwhile, Georgia played their annual G-Day Spring Game...

Red tops Black in low scoring scrimmage - Red and Black
Checking in from Georgia's Spring Scrimmage -
UGA's spring game draws praise from coach -
Caleb King dazzles crowd at G-Day - Atlanta Journal Constitution
Analyzing the Dogs after spring practice - Atlanta Journal Constitution
Notebook: Moore makes a strong case - Athens Banner Herald
Bulldogs offense shines at G-Day - Chattanooga Times Free Press

Here are the highlights. Please mute the video unless one of the Baha Men is actually reading this. In that case, you can listen to your terrible song while Caleb King spins out of tackles, Asher Allen sticks people in the open field, and Mike Moore hauls in a few TD's.

Friday, April 4, 2008

Every Now and Then a Wild Bird Attack Story Comes Along That is too Good to be True

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Unfucking believable. You remember your middle school field trips, right? Playing "The Nervous Game" on the bus. Throwing egg salad sandwiches at the white trash bus driver. Watching monkeys j' off at the zoo. We've all had our fair share of school-sponsored escapades. But nothing, and I mean nothing, can top this fucking story.

"A 13-year-old girl touring Fenway Park on a school trip was attacked by Curt Schilling's Everquest Character a resident red-tailed hawk that drew blood from her scalp Thursday."

The poor 13-year-old victim's name? ... Alexa Rodriguez. That's right. Alexa Rodriguez, of glove-slapping, "I got it" fame - purple lips and all. This smells of a Curt Schilling Everquest spell gone terribly wrong.

'Now back to the World Of Norrath. Schilling's EverQuest habit came to light after a 2001 game when his former Philadelphia Phillies teammate Doug Glanville hit two homers off of Schilling, who had just joined the Arizona Diamondbacks. Glanville explained to a writer for that the homers were payback for Schilling's role in the death of Bing-bong, Glanville's beloved, dwarven paladin. Glanville's tale: 'One day, Schill was playing his character, Cylc, and he asked me to team up with him in Faydwer, in the zone of the Butcherblock Mountains, to kill Aviaks, which are basically walking birds.' The pair encountered danger, according to Glanville, and Schilling ran away: 'I vowed revenge on the soul of Bingbong, for the negligent actions of Cylc." Hence the two homers.'

Oh. My. God.

Source: Hawk swoops from Fenway Park railing, attacks girl on school tour.

No really! I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried. Look for yourself.

Hawk1 Hawk2Hawk3

Photos via: AP.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Me'sa Pretty Good Pitcher. Dats Why You'sa Should Be Liken the Braves This Year

Braves pitcher Jair Jurrjens struck out five and gave up only two runs in 5 and 1/3 innings during last night's 10-2 Braves win over the Pirates. Here's to being the best pitcher on a staff that boasts two future Hall of Famers, an opening-day starter with the 5th best active and 20th best career winning percentage (.659), and another pitcher who is making $15 million to do pretty much nothing.

Today's Get Away Day Roundup

* White Sox 2 - Indians 1. W: Dotel (1-1) L: Westbrook (0-1) S: Jenks (1). HR - CHW: J. Crede (1), J. Uribe (1).

* Reds 3 - Diamonbacks 2. W: Cueto (1-0) L: Davis (0-1) S: Cordero (1). HR - ARI: J. Upton (1) - CIN: J. Keppinger (1).

* Royals 4 - Tigers 1. W: Greinke (1-0) L: Bonderman (0-1) S: Soria (2). HR - KAN: M. Teahen (1), A. Gordon (2) - DET: B. Inge (1).

* Angels 5 - Twins 4. W: Santana (1-0) L: Slowey (0-1) S: Rodriguez (2). HR - LAA: T. Hunter (1), G. Matthews Jr. (1), M. Napoli (2) - MIN: J. Kubel (1).

* Phillies 8 - Nationals 7. W: Condrey (1-0) L: Colome (0-1). HR - PHI: C. Coste (1).

* Cubs 6 - Brewers 3. W: Dempster (1-0) L: Bush (0-1) S: Wood (1). HR - CHC: A. Ramirez (1).

* Padres 3 - Astros 2. W: Gonzalez (1-0) L: Villareal (0-1) S: Hoffman (2). HR - SD: K. Kouzmanoff (1).

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

If You Ever Take a Trip Down to Cobb County, Georgia...

I didn't know Mike Boyce became a Cobb County police officer! Next time I see him, I'll have to ask what kind of sandwiches they serve in the Cobb County jail.

"You better read the signs, respect the Law and Order. He carries a big stick, a ball and chain too. You're lookin' for trouble, he'll be comin' after you."

R.I.P. Big Boss Weaver Ray Traylor. Keep standing tall and standing proud. Even is Heaven, you are indeed an Instrument of Justice. On the bright side, at least your gay brother is still roamin' around at the Bucket.

Aren't You Supposed to be Grrrrrrrrrreat?

Brian Bannister, Leo Nunez, and Joakim Soria just held the vaunted Tigers offense, or should I say Edgar Renteria, to three hits in a 4-0 victory. Renteria had all three of the Tigers hits, all singles. Placido Polanco struck out to end the game, starting his season 0-10 at the plate. Hey Tigers, you SUCK! Final: Royals 4 - Tigers 0. W: Bannister (1-0) L: Cheating Asshole Rogers (0-1)