Tuesday, January 29, 2008

A Tradition Unlike Any Other

In case you were wondering how long till Tiger pwn3s the field, Greg Norman throws up a Sunday 78, and Jim Nantz waxes poetic about the blooms on the dogwoods and azaleas, here you go.

"Just when you think you can't wait any longer, you can, and UCONN" join Gary McCord as a patron in Augusta. Unless you are a woman. In that case, GET OUT! I am talking to you Michelle Wie. Go visit Colt Brennan in the hospital. Or better yet, go join Martha Burk on the picket line. Sometimes Hootie Johnson is crazy and you wonder why. He's such a baby cause the Dolphins make him cry. Well, there's nothing he can do...He only wants to be with you. You can call him your fool. Only wants to be with you.

What Happens When Your Baby Throws Dishes At You? Billy's Mom Furnishes One Possible Response

Apparently, this 27-year-old mother of no more ascertained a lethal combination of "high-proof rum," Gremlins on HBO West, and everyone's Achilles heel...a crying baby. The trash can must have been overflowing with Domino's $5-5-5 boxes, empties of Natty Light, and dirty Huggies.

Mom goes on trial in baby's microwave death

"Jury selection began Monday in the trial of a woman accused of killing her 1-month-old daughter by burning the child in a microwave oven."
- Via: CNN

"Goddamn foreign TV. I told ya we should've got a Zenith."

Get Out of My Kitchen --- Bye, Bye Billy!

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Oh...You Didn't Know? Your Ass Betta Call Somebody!

Ladies and Gentleman, Boys and Girls, Children of all ages. Candy Painted Cadillacs proudly brings to you, the new NFC Foot - Ball Champions of the World...the Road Warrior - Gibril Wilson, the Bad Ass - Eli Manning...The New - York - Giants.

Only 3 Weeks - 21 Days Till...

Pitchers and Catchers Report.

Meanwhile, the Joker danced with the Devil for real and Gibril and the G-Men are playing the Patriots in Super Bowl XLII. Here's some stuff to do instead of - or in between watching the Australian Open, old Fresh Prince episodes, and Super Bowl XXXII (or in my case XXV over and over again) highlights...

* This shtuff from Kissing Suzy Kolber is hitlarjewous.

- 16-0..."Why don’t you go snort some cocaine and drive your car into a telephone pole, you stupid daaaaaa-kie!"

- 17-0..."So fack you, Jagwuhs. Or Jagwiuhs. Or whatever kinda fackin' jungle animal you ahhhh!"

- Super Bowl..."Tommy Brady's droppin tha Hulk Hogan big boot..."

* Go Here (AdultSwim.com) and search for "Carl" or "I'm pissed."

* My boy over at A Tasty Pint has something for all you Cabbagetown Crack Whore lovin' hipsters.

* Ever wonder another name for the E-Brake or Handbrake Turn?

* And here are two videos my sponsor Cadillac has donated for all my thugsta's out there...

"True to the gizzame, stopped in the projects - sold a half an ounce of cocaine. Hit interstate ten, to Texas. Listening to DJ Screw just raised the Lexus. Called up Pimp C..."

"Country Ass Boy. Country like LeAnn Rimes. Mississippi David Banner and Lil Weezyana."

Thursday, January 17, 2008

World's Greatest Humanitarian Strikes Again

Adam Jones once again proves he is undoubtedly the World's Greatest Humanitarian. "Bloodied or Bruised? It's your choice." Seems as though, unlike my brother - who surprising and regrettingly chose bloodied, this broad went with the latter.

Sorry Timmy Hardaway. I know you too tried your hardest, no homo, to be a great humanitarian. Between the bi-weekly visits to the soup kitchen and the gay-bashing, it is true - you used to be somebody. But Ben Miller HONE-est-ly, you and your Aesop's fabled crossover have been replaced atop the list for a while now. (By the way, this is an actual card from 1991)

In 2003, I fell in love with a man. Yea, I said it! His name just happened to be Pacman. As a sophomore at West Vag, he was in on every tackle - Gibril Wilson style. He was making plays all over the field on D in addition to returning both punts and kicks. That season, there was a game against Miami, who finished 12-0 and made it to the national championship game, where Pac was THE man. He made every tackle. Miami kept moving Kellen Winslow around, motioning him, lining him up in the slot or out wide and WVU kept manin' him up with Jones. He kept jamming Winslow at the line and they kept talkin shiot and getting SEC-like "MAN" physical - hand to hand, Honor Roll Gangster to Fucking Soldier "we don't care about anybody but this U" combat stylee. He even Pacman Jones'ed a Hoe on Winslow.

Pacman also picked Brock Berlin in the endzone before half.

And after Quincy Wilson broke 3 tackles and then man-destroyed safety Brandon Merriweather on a screen pass and housed it with two minutes to go, it looked like WVU was going to win.

But then Winslow made this ridickilous catch on 4th and 13...

and Miami marched down the field and of course, kicked a go-ahead field goal. And then, got a game-sealing pick from the late Sean Taylor to preserve 22-20 victory and save their national title hopes...and...umm...what's the opposite of save? Willis McGahee's knee.

It's a real shame that Pacman now spits on / five across the eyes bitches on a regular basis. It's kinda hard to like a guy like that. But, at least he is consistent. I think Vince Lombardi or Dan Reeves, or maybe it was Ray Handley who once said CONSISTENCY is the main key to playing winning football.

You Sir, Are a Disgrace to Lord Xenu!

"When Tim Tebow drives past an accident, he's not like anyone else. Yes, he drives past. He knows he has to do something about it because he knows he is the ONLY one who can really help. That's what drives him."

KSW. Vacation? What a lunatic!

"The fifth child of Bob and Pam Tebow, both of whom are University of Florida graduates, Tim was born on August 14, 1987 in the Philippines, where his parents were serving as Christian missionaries. Pam suffered infection with a pathogenic amoeba while pregnant with him, and an abortion was recommended by her doctors."

Via: Tim Tebow's Wikipedia Article

You mean this all could have been avoided? But then, I wouldn't have gotten to see this...

eventually lead to the Tears of Tebow. The QB/all-everything leader of the Power-Spread Galactic Confederacy cries? Lord Xenu would fly you to fucking Mt. Ranier aboard his personal DC-8 and then drop a hydrogen bomb on you if he knew you were such a little girl. Seriously, be careful. Your home of the Philippines is full of volcanoes, isn't it? Were the orphans you saved crying when they realized their parents actually just pretended to take them on a scenic picnic and really had left them to fend for themselves in a Filipino rainforest? I know "it's rough and tumble and it's wild and woolly and it's a blast" out there, but you better get your fuckin thetan level right or go home. LOSER. Tom Cruise even told me you're only slightly less of a loser than Reggie Ball. I had to tell Tom to take it easy. Reggie Ball? Maybe that was taking it a little to far. I even pointed to your national championship and Heisman trophy and pointed out Reggie wearing his UPS delivery uniform. In return, Tom pointed to your tears. And with that, Maverick won the argument. Gosh, that Tom Cruise is convincing. Where do I sign up?

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Career .314 Slugging Percentage's Can Jump

In 2004, a 22-year-old outfielder was called up by the Devil Rays...and he was. FAST. However, he was RAW-er than Eddie Murphy. Although I have always liked Joey Gathright, he isn't really that good. He did try and kick Julian Tavarez'ez's ass one spring training which was pretty awesome. I mean he is a pretty good defensive outfielder (great glove/weak arm) who can steal bases, but a lefty slap-hitter who can run a 4.4 should PRO-BOB-ly have a better career OBP than .333! Especially considering his strikeout numbers aren't great, but it's not like he is Jeff Francoeur at the plate. In nearly 2500 AB's combined between the minors and bigs, Gathright has 2 career HR's. Jason Tyner ain't got shit on Joey G. In June of 2006, Gathright was traded to the Royals for J.P Howell, and he posted decent numbers last year. He hit .341 in AAA with 25 steals in 60 games. In KC, he hit .307 and his OPS finally climbed above .700. And he is only 25, but let's be honest - he is what he is...And I'm here to tell you what he is. A BADASS mother fucker! Joey Gathright may never become a great major league player, but he is already better than me or you will ever be. He can...wait for it...JUMP CARS. Not like Grave Digger or some other hillbilly with a truck jumping - I'm saying like ManJump. Mario over a Gorilla's barrel jump. He was allegedly only offered a baseball contract after one lucky scout saw this amazing feat. Gathright claims he could break Mike Powell's 1991 long jump world record if he wanted to. But I mean seriously, would you rather waste your time trying to break a worthless long-jump record or play major league baseball? Even though you suck! I too would rather just play baseball and jump cars and bang girls. Here's to you for making the right choice Joey Gathright. My new favorite athlete!

Rays Tales

BTW, Nice glasses playa.

Tip: Ray's Anatomy

Apparently the Royals love this shtuff. After the 1992 season, only a month after he made an error on a David Justice ground ball in the bottom of the 9th inning of Game 7 of the NLCS that led to the eventual Francisco Cabrera, Sid Bream, Barry Bonds play, the Kansas City Royals traded for Pirates 2B Chico Lind. Jose Lind was a historically-terrible hitter. 9 HR's in 3,677 career AB's. A .295, that's right, .295 career OBP. A classic Puerto Rican cocaine habit. And a Joey Gathright-like career .316 slugging percentage. But what else was Chico Lind know for? You guessed it - ManJumping. We all (?) remember Cocaine Lind jumping over players and announcers made famous by the 1991 Upper Deck card depicting this feat.

Lastly, this is a plea to my friend ScottyMac...You have jumped everything. At school, you once jumped from the roof of one trailer to the roof of another. TWICE. You jumped off of a 20-foot high deck to escape a fat slob who was squirreling on your nuts. And you didn't get hurt. You just frog-hopped right back on your feet. It could have been the 10 Valium you ate. Or it could be that you too can ManJump. And you have an affinity for cocaine that can only be rivaled by Jose Lind. Dayton Moore, please sign my friend. I promise he can put together a season with a Billy Beane-esque .295 OBP.

Monday, January 7, 2008

Free Marc Lancaster

This is the photo of an innocent man!

High School Teacher Framed