Thursday, April 24, 2008

Italy's Shattered Dreams

Today a stuntman in Italy crashed 007's Aston Martin head-on into another car while filming a chase scene for the new James Bond movie. Apparently, he was gravely injured. But that's nothing compared to the injuries these Italians suffered at the hands of God back in '86. Shattered dreams and shattered backboards.

MJ toys with their emotions, waving the ball in their dirty noses like its a slice of Neapolitan pizza topped with San Marzano tomatoes from the volcanic planes of Mount Vesuvius (I tried to find a Dennis Miller font for the previous sentence, but couldn't find one). Then he goes all Jerome Lane on the Fascists and straight sends it it. Thanks to The Big Lead for linking this video via Docksquad's Sports World.

Guess Who's Bizack?

"Guess who's bizack. You still smellin' crack in my clothes. Don't make me have to relapse on these hoes. I'm out here to grind mo' rapped up in the paper chase. I wanna fuck a fine hoe and Candy Paint the '88."

So what? You got a problem? I've been busy. Leave me the eff alone. DirectTV's Masters MegaMix and offering free online streams. The NHL playoffs starting and Sean Avery doin' work. Watching six baseball games at a time everyday. Gambling profusely. Watching the closing of the NBA season and the beginning of the playoffs. Chris Paul! Spring football. Catching bullpen sessions and sitting in the infield for another long, hot, and boring inning for the Pickles defense. Getting drunk and seeing what kind of dirty things these wildebeests will let me do to them. Getting a fade at the barber shop a la Johnny Starks '92. I might have even fell off the wagon and Rasheed Wallaced a few blunts in the past few weeks. And to top all of that off, apparently, I got arrested or something like that (That's not really me). What happens when all of this hits at the same time? Your blog suffers. And so do the readers. For that I apologize, but I'm still going to choose vajjggg over this shtuff every day of the week.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Sunday, April 6, 2008

gameCock Face Still Dreaming of Yesteryears

Photo Courtesy:

Hey Spurrier, if I were you, I'd spend more time worrying about keeping your players on the field and out of jail and less time remembering your old glory days with Florida.

When asked about Georgia and LSU, Spurrier responded,“I told people that when I was at Florida, we beat both of them 11 out of 12.”

Really? I told Jimmy you're still a douche. Want some proof?

Meanwhile, Georgia played their annual G-Day Spring Game...

Red tops Black in low scoring scrimmage - Red and Black
Checking in from Georgia's Spring Scrimmage -
UGA's spring game draws praise from coach -
Caleb King dazzles crowd at G-Day - Atlanta Journal Constitution
Analyzing the Dogs after spring practice - Atlanta Journal Constitution
Notebook: Moore makes a strong case - Athens Banner Herald
Bulldogs offense shines at G-Day - Chattanooga Times Free Press

Here are the highlights. Please mute the video unless one of the Baha Men is actually reading this. In that case, you can listen to your terrible song while Caleb King spins out of tackles, Asher Allen sticks people in the open field, and Mike Moore hauls in a few TD's.

Friday, April 4, 2008

Every Now and Then a Wild Bird Attack Story Comes Along That is too Good to be True

Photo Courtesy:

Unfucking believable. You remember your middle school field trips, right? Playing "The Nervous Game" on the bus. Throwing egg salad sandwiches at the white trash bus driver. Watching monkeys j' off at the zoo. We've all had our fair share of school-sponsored escapades. But nothing, and I mean nothing, can top this fucking story.

"A 13-year-old girl touring Fenway Park on a school trip was attacked by Curt Schilling's Everquest Character a resident red-tailed hawk that drew blood from her scalp Thursday."

The poor 13-year-old victim's name? ... Alexa Rodriguez. That's right. Alexa Rodriguez, of glove-slapping, "I got it" fame - purple lips and all. This smells of a Curt Schilling Everquest spell gone terribly wrong.

'Now back to the World Of Norrath. Schilling's EverQuest habit came to light after a 2001 game when his former Philadelphia Phillies teammate Doug Glanville hit two homers off of Schilling, who had just joined the Arizona Diamondbacks. Glanville explained to a writer for that the homers were payback for Schilling's role in the death of Bing-bong, Glanville's beloved, dwarven paladin. Glanville's tale: 'One day, Schill was playing his character, Cylc, and he asked me to team up with him in Faydwer, in the zone of the Butcherblock Mountains, to kill Aviaks, which are basically walking birds.' The pair encountered danger, according to Glanville, and Schilling ran away: 'I vowed revenge on the soul of Bingbong, for the negligent actions of Cylc." Hence the two homers.'

Oh. My. God.

Source: Hawk swoops from Fenway Park railing, attacks girl on school tour.

No really! I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried. Look for yourself.

Hawk1 Hawk2Hawk3

Photos via: AP.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Me'sa Pretty Good Pitcher. Dats Why You'sa Should Be Liken the Braves This Year

Braves pitcher Jair Jurrjens struck out five and gave up only two runs in 5 and 1/3 innings during last night's 10-2 Braves win over the Pirates. Here's to being the best pitcher on a staff that boasts two future Hall of Famers, an opening-day starter with the 5th best active and 20th best career winning percentage (.659), and another pitcher who is making $15 million to do pretty much nothing.

Today's Get Away Day Roundup

* White Sox 2 - Indians 1. W: Dotel (1-1) L: Westbrook (0-1) S: Jenks (1). HR - CHW: J. Crede (1), J. Uribe (1).

* Reds 3 - Diamonbacks 2. W: Cueto (1-0) L: Davis (0-1) S: Cordero (1). HR - ARI: J. Upton (1) - CIN: J. Keppinger (1).

* Royals 4 - Tigers 1. W: Greinke (1-0) L: Bonderman (0-1) S: Soria (2). HR - KAN: M. Teahen (1), A. Gordon (2) - DET: B. Inge (1).

* Angels 5 - Twins 4. W: Santana (1-0) L: Slowey (0-1) S: Rodriguez (2). HR - LAA: T. Hunter (1), G. Matthews Jr. (1), M. Napoli (2) - MIN: J. Kubel (1).

* Phillies 8 - Nationals 7. W: Condrey (1-0) L: Colome (0-1). HR - PHI: C. Coste (1).

* Cubs 6 - Brewers 3. W: Dempster (1-0) L: Bush (0-1) S: Wood (1). HR - CHC: A. Ramirez (1).

* Padres 3 - Astros 2. W: Gonzalez (1-0) L: Villareal (0-1) S: Hoffman (2). HR - SD: K. Kouzmanoff (1).

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

If You Ever Take a Trip Down to Cobb County, Georgia...

I didn't know Mike Boyce became a Cobb County police officer! Next time I see him, I'll have to ask what kind of sandwiches they serve in the Cobb County jail.

"You better read the signs, respect the Law and Order. He carries a big stick, a ball and chain too. You're lookin' for trouble, he'll be comin' after you."

R.I.P. Big Boss Weaver Ray Traylor. Keep standing tall and standing proud. Even is Heaven, you are indeed an Instrument of Justice. On the bright side, at least your gay brother is still roamin' around at the Bucket.

Aren't You Supposed to be Grrrrrrrrrreat?

Brian Bannister, Leo Nunez, and Joakim Soria just held the vaunted Tigers offense, or should I say Edgar Renteria, to three hits in a 4-0 victory. Renteria had all three of the Tigers hits, all singles. Placido Polanco struck out to end the game, starting his season 0-10 at the plate. Hey Tigers, you SUCK! Final: Royals 4 - Tigers 0. W: Bannister (1-0) L: Cheating Asshole Rogers (0-1)

Lunch Break? If Break Means That I'm Not Coming Back, Then Sure

KC Royals (Bannister) @ Detroit Tigers (Rogers) - Top 5th : No score through four innings. Kenny Rogers has only given up one hit while the Tigers have managed to collect only two hits off of Brian Bannister.

* Milwaukee Brewers (Suppan) @ Chicago Cubs (Lilly) - 2:20 pm : Some overpriced pitchers for your liking, but even better is Suppan batting 8th in front of Jason Kendall. Is Tony LaRussa managing the Brewers? Oh no, Jason Kendall is just fucking terrible. And we also have a Gabe Kapler sighting. I want to believe that the Brewers can win the NL Central, but with Gabe Kapler playing center, that seems doubtful. Why Mike Cameron? I know you have Adult ADD, but why must you snort Adderall.

* UEFA Champions League Soccer Quarterfinal: Arsenal vs. Liverpool - 2:30 pm : Tommy Smyth, "Ya-di-di-di-dee."

* Boston Red Sox (Lester) @ Oakland Athletics (Harden) - 3:05 pm : The first three games these teams have played have all been entertaining. Harden and Lester met last week in Japan, a 5-1 A's win. Harden went six innings, giving up only three hits, one being a Manny Ramirez solo home run, and striking out nine. John Lester had cancer. But he's aight now.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Today, I Consider Myself the Luckiest Man on the Face of the Earth

Photo Courtesy:

Yes sir! A-Rod is Good. No live-blogging for me today. I'll be watching this game Al Bundy style occasionally taking my hands out of my pants to waggle AS22's 33/30 Stealth in my hands a la Gary Sheffield. But if you're interested, follow the game live here.

7:30 pm
OK, so maybe I lied. Wang has broken three bats through 2+ innings and Frank Thomas is SLOW. and old.

7:35 pm
Jason Giambi just flipped the ball 40 feet to Jeter covering second on a slow-roller to first. Did I say Jeter? According to Paulie O, his name is Jete. Sorry. Giambi might not be able to throw, but he sure can pick it. Thanks Donnie.

7:45 pm
I love Rod Carew Robbie Cano. He can straight... And as much as I love Cano, George Posada <3's grounding into double plays even more.

7:50 pm
For those keeping track, that's one Jeter mini-Jump Hop on the season. Dreamy!
8:00 pm
And the first "inside-out" base hit for Jeter. There it is. And one caught stealing for my man Dastard whose argument is hilarious with the most worthless stats ever to back up his claim. Worst. Argument. Ever.

8:05 pm
This guy...
is a damn good defensive Center Fielder. Two ridiculous plays in the top of the 4th robbing the Jays of two extra-base hits. I love you Melky.

8:25 pm
Blue Jays take the lead on an RBI groundout from Shannon Stewart scoring Marco Scutaro. But Wang got a big strikeout on Alex Rios to end the top of the 5th. He's at 73 pitches. Blue Jays 2 - Yankees 1. Middle 5. Meanwhile in Florida, clown Pedro Martinez has given up home runs to Dan Uggla and Luis Gonzalez some other guy whose name has slipped my mind for some odd reason.

8:35 pm
Another broken bat induced by Wang to end the top half of the 6th. He is beginning to remind me of this manster...8:45 pm
Melky ties it up with a 320-foot home run to right. Send him to Minnesota.

1:20 am
Sorry. Wang ended up going seven strong, throwing only 92 pitches. In the bottom of the 7th, A-Rod led off with a single, followed by a Giambi walk. Robbie advanced the runners on a ground out and Halladay and the Jays opted to intentionally walk Posada to get to Matsui. Hideki hit a grounder to second which should have led to a double play, but Aaron Hill tried to backhand it and it hit off the heel of his glove. He shuffled it to Lil' Davy Eckstein for the force, but Alex scored to give the Yanks a 3-2 lead. Halladay struck out Melky to end the 7th. Joba in the 8th and Mo in the 9th. No Problems. John Sterling probably had something to say. Final: Yankees 3 - Blue Jays 2. W: Wang (1-0) L: Halladay (0-1) S: Rivera (1). HR - NYY: M. Cabrera (1).

And as I was typing this, Vin Scully and the Dodgers got a walk-off victory. With Rafael Furcal on second and two-out in the bottom of the 9th, Delwyn Young hit a ground ball in the hole at second. Ray Durham fielded, threw to first, but Young was safe. 1B Rich Aurilia immediately spun and threw home, but Furcal slid in safe to win. Gotta love some Vin Scully at 1:30 in the am.

1:30 am
The Mets lost to the Marlins 5-4 on a Robert Andino two-out walk-off home run, the first HR of his career, off Matt Wise in the bottom of the 10th. Petey Pedro started, giving up four runs in 3 and 1/3 innings before leaving with a strained hamstring. And in Oak-town, Dice-K, Okajima, and Johnny Fackin' Papelbon held the A's to three hits, one being a Travis Buck solo job, in a 2-1 victory. Papelbon came on and struck out the side in the bottom of the 9th. A win and two one-run losses for the A's against Boston so faahhhhhhhhhr, but no one can compete with the Sox.

Your Midweek Motto - D.W. Son