Friday, February 29, 2008

Say It Ain't So...The Gibril Wilson Sweepstakes Begins Today. And Jeff Garcia Has a New "Partner"

Today is the first day for NFL teams to sign free agents and Gibril Wilson is currently taking calls from potential suitors. The NY Post claims the Giants are preparing for Wilson's departure. We here at CPC would be devastated if Gibril goes elsewhere. Here is what else has happened so far.

* After the Jets granted Jonathan Vilma the right to seek a trade to anyone but the Patriots, the Saints pounced and traded an undisclosed draft pick for the former Pro-Bowl linebacker.

* Jerry Porter finally walked the plank and got the hell out of Oak-town signing a six-year, $30 million contract with Jacksonville. The Jaguars also swapped a sixth round draft pick with the Vikings in exchange for speedy receiver Troy Williamson.

* The Bills signed LB Kawika Mitchell fresh off a Super Bowl season with the Giants. Candy Painted Cadillacs and Giants fans everywhere wish you the best of luck. Lots of late-night bowling and ugly girls up there in Buffalo.

* The Cleveland Browns re-signed Derek Anderson to a three-year deal worth between $24 million to $26 million. I guess Brady Quinn will continue to have plenty of time to make terrible commercials and go out and get in drunken confrontations with the gays of Columbus.

* The Bengals must miss Bid Daddy Dan Wilkinson because they traded a third and a fifth-round pick to acquire 340 pound raw-meat eating Shaun Rogers from the Lions. They also reached a three-year agreement with linebacker and bow-tie enthusiast Dhani Jones.

* A kicker retired. Hey Morten Anderson, did you hear that? A kicker retired.

* The Falcons Chris Redman. Hahahahaha. DJ Shockley threw a party when he heard this news.

* Tedy Bruschi's heart, or what's still left of it, is still in New England and he decided to sign a multiyear contract with the Pats.

* The Bucs made former Saint Jeff Faine the highest paid Center in football. Does he know who their quarterback is? Faine is praying the Bucs will run a 90% shotgun orientated offense. Do you really want Jeff Garcia's hands on your junk 75 times every Sunday? And what about practice? Garcia usually asks to take extra snaps after everyone else has left the practice field, so beware Faine. Guard your Faint. Guard your Faint.

* Asante Samuel visited with the last-place Eagles. Santa Claus immediately called and warned Asante he had better be worth the $10 million a year that he is asking for.

David Eckstein Primed for Huge Season

A woman in Kentucky gave birth to a baby. No big deal, right? Well, it turns out the baby is already as big as her mother. Hwaaaahhh? You may be confused, but don't worry. If David Eckstein can win a World Series MVP, anything is possible. This friggin' guy is a two-time All-Star, a two-time World Series champion, and finished 11th in the 2002 AL MVP voting. So it is no surprise that a 28 1/2 inch woman who cruises around all day in a tricked-out Hoveround birthed a comparatively giant baby. Watch the video.

Eddie Gaedel rolled over in his grave and came storming through Kevin Costner's cornfield when he heard this story. I mean, wouldn't you feel slighted if they chose Moonlight Graham to be the focal point of an American movie classic instead of you. At least Eddie has a 1.000 OBP. What the fuck did Archie Graham ever do? Stand on deck with a donut on his bat? Wow! 3 foot 7 and full of fury, Eddie Gaedel killed Ray Kinsella, his whiny daughter, and their imaginary friends while they slept quietly in their rural Iowa home.

I know I already have Hanley Ramirez, but eff it. I'm taking David Eckstein with the first pick in my fantasy draft because God has shown me that 2008 is the year of the little people.

Friday's Lunch Special...Cadillac Pimpin'

Gotta keep the sponsors happy.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Time For You To Break Up With Your Girlfriend

With actual baseball games being played and conference tournaments nearing, I think it's only fair to tell your girlfriend to go away for a while. Unless you are a Pirates or Orioles fan. In that case, you will already be 10 games out in May and it's probably a good idea to keep her and her crumpin' ass around. For the rest of you, don't worry. She'll still stop by and annoy you here and there and she'll still send a late night booty text a few times a week. And trust Randy Velarde when he says there is nothing better than hooking up with a girl while listening to Vin Scully at 1 a.m.

"All year long she looked to him to light the fire and all year long he answered the demands. High fly ball into right field. She is gone! In a year that has been so improbable, the impossible has happened."

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

That Didn't Last Long

Like a virgin boy on prom night. Or Bruce Pearl on a party boat. "You know I thug 'em, fuck 'em, love 'em, leave 'em cause I don't fuckin' need 'em." We doin Big Pimpin' up in Tennessee. Vandy whites out No. 1 Tennessee, 72-69.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Roger Clemens is a Not a Manimal

Is this the photo from Canseco's party?

Source: Clemens Mum on Steroids at Astros' Camp

"KISSIMMEE, Fla. (AP) — Roger Clemens arrived at the Houston Astros' minor league clubhouse on Tuesday and walked straight to a fenced-in bullpen to greet his oldest son, Koby, a catcher in the Astros' system.

He snapped at a photographer who started clicking pictures.

"This isn't a zoo!" Clemens barked."

Good job writer. Clemens claims he is not a zoo animal and then you describe the area he walked into as a fenced-in bullpen. Ok. And then when he spoke, he didn't exclaim, assert, or declare, he barked. He growled. He woofed. He bellowed. He quacked. He cawed. He chirped. He squawked. He baaaaed. He gobbled. He moooed. He cuckooed.

And you "wrote" this article. Good work pal. Maybe your next article should be about how Clemens gets his work ethic from his "MaMa" and how much he loves Twizzlers.

Update: Deadspin keeps stealing my stuff! February 27 - 12:00 pm

Monday, February 25, 2008

Who's Bad?

I am. Yes, sir. Me Strong. Bad. Man.

and Fast.

Real. Fast. in Game. Forcefield.

This is My Senior Night...Let's Get it Onnnnn

Photo Courtesy:

Oh, Knox-Vegas. You have given us some of the greatest treats on Earth. Super Bowl Champions like Gibril Wilson and commercial whore Peyton Manning. My older brother Chad Pennington. Country music phenom Kenny Chesney. The woman of my dreams, Pat Summitt. Famous hillbillies Homer and Jethro. World Series of Poker champion Chris Moneymaker. The fastest man on the planet, Justin Gatlin. Great Knicks, Allan Houston and Bernard King. Potential Hall of Fame first-basemen like Todd Helton and old-school racists like Reggie White. The two greatest wrestlers of all time, "Double J" Jeff Jarrett and Big Daddy Cool Diesel, Kevin Nash. America's greatest author Kurt Vonnegut. Al Gore Sr. and Dr. Jerry Punch. You gave us Johnny Knoxville and Randy Orton. You gave us Dave Thomas, founder of the greatest fast food restaurant on the planet. Quentin Tarantino and all of his brilliance. You even gave us wrestling manager Mr. Fuji. So I never, never thought you could outdo yourself. But then I saw something even I couldn't believe...

With the national stage all to yourselves after a week of hype, you beat Memphis in a thriller Saturday night. Now you are the #1 college basketball team in the nation. That's great. No more talk about Calipari and an undefeated season. Now we can focus on the important things - things like UT backup-guard Jordan Howell. 5.4 ppg and full of soul. How you have managed to once again outdo yourself is beyond me. Here's to the world's greatest city...Knoxville - or Knoxvullll if you are a local. It makes oh so much sense that you also invented the Dumpster!

It's crazy how good he is. It's only fitting that he plays his instrument while sitting on a bench because that is where he has spent the past four years. If the spirit moves, then let me groove. Let your love come dooowwwn. Let me do what I wanna do. All I wanna do is drain this three on you. So let me do what I wanna do. All I wanna do is be your substitute. Gimme good feelings. Well played sir, well played.

NB Hey, Heeeeeeeeyyy...Much to My Brother's Dismay, I'm Coming Out of the Closet, the Closet

"You are a bad boy. Yes you are!"

I am not sure if this is the appropriate way to do this. I'm sorry you had to find out like this, I really am. I know you may be disappointed to hear this after all of these years brah, but I'm 24 years old and I think now is the right time for you to know. I'm sick of hiding from everyone. I'm sick of changing the channel when someone walks in the room. I'm sick of waiting for the 3 a.m. replays. I'm sick of DVR-ing Chuck, Jet, and Ernie and then deleting it before anyone sees it on the "My Recordings" list. I'm sick of having to go to girls houses because you would rather watch old Family Fued episodes. When you are around, I'm scared to even move over to the secondary / NES TV with my closet love. And now that Choose Your Own Adventure or Lost or whatever that stupid show is, comes on Thursday nights at the same time, I will no longer be home for Thursday Family Night at the Ivy's.

I love the NBA! There, I said it. What? You got an effin' problem? I don't care. I'll move to Massachusetts, where my love is legal, if I have to. How do you feel about that? You don't know what it feels like to have to constantly carry this weight...this burden on my shoulders, constantly looking over my back, checking to make sure no one is around. I'm sick of having to put on fake clothes when I leave the house and having to wait until I get to top of the driveway to change into my Ron Artest jersey .

You should have seen this coming. All of the telltale signs were there. You should have been suspicious when the first thing that I ever bought with my own money was a pair of Jordan VII's. You should have known when I went to college and straight wore out my pair of murdered-out Iverson I3's. You should have noticed the stains on our old Jordan posters. You should have been curious when you saw my sick crossover / fake jumper - get the defender in the air, unstoppable dribble-drive blow by move to the rack. Bucket! You should have been alarmed when you found my secret stash of old 1994 Finals VHS recordings. But you were stubborn. You didn't want to believe it was true.

You don't have to agree with my lifestyle, just understand that I am different than you. You like game shows and fantasy worlds of magic. You like fat girls and Mean Girls. You like the OC and old Britney songs. You like Dragon / Skull & Cross-bones shirts and bands that wear makeup and eye-liner. You're a goal-scorer, a location / movement pitcher. You're finesse. You're Kovalev, JT, and Corey Webster. I get it! But I'm RAW, son - Power-I!

I like dirrrrtyy, dirrrrtyy girls and Skynrd. I like a good skip pass and lockdown defenders. I like Starks, Mason, and Oak. I like Von Wafer, Jarvis Hayes, and old Survivor Series DVD's. I like Molly Hatchet and Chris Paul. I like a good, solid backdoor cut and high ball screens. I like 'Sheed and Jeff McInnis. I like Ghostface and Chef Raekwon. I like blood and I don't mind a facial. I like old X-tina videos, Ed Reed, and homeless people. So just get over it and accept me for who I am, brah. Or else I might have to pull out my Beretta...

"Searchin for my car keys tryin' to get on up out the door...Shit, Shit, Shit, Think, Shit, Quick put me in the closet. And now I'm in this darkened closet tryin' to figgerr out just how I'm gonna get my crazy ass up out this house...I cooked and ran your bath waaatttterrrrr..."

Friday, February 22, 2008

Dean Palmer is Pissed...Dicen Queso to Your Baseball Roundup

Juan: "Dicen Queso."
Rafael: [waving finger angrily] "I have never used an electric razor, period!"
Jose: [blink] "Has anyone [blink] seen hat?"
Pudge: "En una tarjeta de beisbol, realmente?
Jose: "Where th...e fuck is [blink] hat? Raaaaaaaarrrrr."
Juan: "Cuarenta cuadrangulares esta temporada."
Rafael: "Hurry up and take the picture. Mi B-Doce tiene frio"
Pudge: "Me encanta a tipos."
Jose: "Even [blink] Dean Palmer will hit 30 homers th..this year [blink] thanks to Hurry the fuck up chico."
Kenny Rogers: [attacking cameraman] "Take the picture already or else I'll break every fucking camera you have."

Here is some baseball stuff that happened recently...

* A little late on this, but my boy Brandon Phillips signed a four-year $27 million deal with the Reds. I love Brandon Phillips. He is already one of the top three or four 2B in all of the game. He plays hard, hits for power and average, has great speed, and can damn well flash the leather. Hopefully he can cut down on his K's this year and improve his K/BB ratio and his OBP.

* Based on on 2008 Projections Robbie Cano is due for another solid season, both offensive and defensively.

* Kyle Kendrick was traded to the Yomiuri Giants in exchange for Kobayashi or so he thought.

* Kevin Millar is still a joker. The self-proclaimed mentally challenged 1B/OF/DH predicts the Orioles will win the World Series. Just keep OF Adam Jones out of the D.C. strip clubs, will ya.

* Gary Sheffield wants to strangle Scott Boras claiming, "I shouldn't have ever introduced myself to him. Period. Bad person."

* Manny Ramirez actually speaks English and wants to stay with the Red Sox after this season. The Sox have team options for 2009 and 2010 at $20 million per season.

* Prince Fielder has stopped eating steaks. "I really do love meat," he said. "I just had to think about whether I really wanted to keep eating it or not. Since I started [to stop eating steak], I feel amazing. When I wake up, I'm up. I'm not lying around anymore." So no more trips to Mickey D's with Dad? Oh, you hate your father? He lives in a cardboard box now? That's right. Well, there's always the memories.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Save Your $10. I've Got Your Thursday Crack Fix...College Football

The NFL Combine is here. Today we got to watch Offensive Linemen and Tight Ends weigh-in wearing only their underwear, and it was Awes...Ful.'s Ed Thompson has a live blog running from Indianapolis. As worthless as it is to have a live blog running while guys are weighing-in and talking to the media, it is pro-BOB-ly worth reading if you got that itch.

Press Conferences air live on the NFL Network Friday at 2:30 pm and Saturday and Sunday at 2:00 pm.

Workouts also air live on NFL Network Saturday through Tuesday at 11:00 am.
* Saturday - Offensive Linemen, Tight Ends, and Kickers
* Sunday - Quarterbacks, Running Backs, and Wide Receivers
* Monday - Defensive Lineman and Linebackers
* Tuesday - Corners and Safeties

Good luck to Thomas Brown, Kregg Lumpkin, and Marcus Howard.

The SEC had a solid weekend of nonsense.

* LSU QB Ryan Perrilloux was suspended indefinitely for an undisclosed team violation. Everyone is saying Les Miles should dismiss him from the team, but Miles loves winning so we will see what happens.

* One of the Colquitt Clowns, Tennessee punter Britton, was suspended for the first five games of next season and had his scholarship revoked after a DUI over the weekend. It was reported he had a Zalad in the passenger seat.

* Some Gamecocks including WR Dion Lecorn got busted with a "leafy substance" and were suspended from all team activities indefinitely. Spurrier recruits love two things: weed and shankings.

Then there is this...

Me: "Hey baby! Baby, go home, man! It's 3 o'clock in the morning man, what the fuck are you doing up?"

Baby: "I'm drying my Jean Shorts."

And this Georgia football recruit ballin'...

Update: Chicken Wings & Haters decided today was a good day to talk about crack and Tyrone Biggums as well. Check it. Booyakasha! February 22 - 2:30 am

Don't You Know I'm A Super-Being, Holmes?

What a way for a true American to spend a Wednesday afternoon. That was one of the most asinine, outrageously filthy, "I'll do what I need to do to win because I'm the Greatest Human Being on the Planet" performances that I have ever seen.

Down three with five holes to play at the WGC-Accenture Match Play, Tiger was frustrated and J.B. Holmes was well on his way to a memorable upset and a surprising trip to the Second Round. Then out of nowhere, Tiger decided he'd go birdie, birdie, birdie on 14, 15, and 16 including the skraight drainage of a putts from 15 and 18 feet. No big deal. All square at 17, Tiger was in the rough and about 300 yards away. "Stevie, how about a 5-wood!" Is this friggin' guy serious? Super-Being proceeds to hammer it out of the rough and onto the green in two. Unreal. That shot was followed by a 35-foot eagle drain and Tiger was somehow up one heading to the tee at 18. Holmes was left to wonder, "How the eff did that just happen?" and missed an 8-footer on the 18th green that would have extended that match. And there I was, just sitting there, shaking my head in disbelief, in awe and wonderment. A freakin' 5-wood! From there?

Oh yeah, 31 other guys also won. And 31 bums lost. But seriously, who really cares about them?

That blast off the tee at Doral is my favorite.

A Candy Painted Countdown to the Masters.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Just For the Record...the Eskimo Tip

I am embarrassed to talk about this, but...

First of all, since my homie at A Tasty Pint decided to expose and advertise the Eskimo Tip, I thought I should at the very least say a little something about my creation. The Eskimo Tip is a secret / curse I unearthed in the year 2006. Its origins date back to 2001, but back then I was just casually poking my wiener around, all hopped up on marijuana and mom's home cooking - living in a carefree, mistake-ridden, unpolished sexual utopia or lack thereof. I was too naive to realize what I had created. The Eskimo Tip is when you put...well, let's tell the whole story.

It all started innocently enough. One night after work, I gave this...let's call her a...a...Polar Bear a ride home from work. She invited me onto her iceberg and eventually into her home. A few minutes of hibernation talk and I was in. After three strokes, I needed to delay or else it would be too late. So like a dork, I pulled out and amateurishly began to Eskimo kiss said Polar Bear. Fifty-five seconds and two weeks later, I had a problem on my hand. This Arctic mammal kinda liked me. In fact, she kinda loved me and I kinda liked my friends, and weed, and playing hockey, and porn a lot more than I liked her. I just figured she liked me 'cause I was kind of a badass. What a child I was!

So a few years later, I innocently enough thought I would bust the Eskimo Tip out with the sole purpose of making myself laugh - Just like when I bust my old Charlotte Hornets Starter jacket out...a throwback, just to be funny. I mean, the Eskimo Tip IS kinda Knut. I had been making a lot of "Just the Tip" jokes, and was going through a period where I was trying to acquire comedy wherever I could find it. So one night, I put it in this...let's call her, how about a Black Bear. Anyway, I just barely put it in, and decided I'd say, "Ohhh. Ahhh. Wait...Uhhh...You know you want it," as I simultaneously pulled out and began Eskimo kissing Mama Bear. Then, I put it in a little bit more, only to do the same thing again. I thought this was hilarious. Then I did whatever, giggled, and fell asleep in my basketball / j off shorts. I thought that was that. However, Smokey the Bear must have thought this was the greatest four minutes of her life because she was in love.

I had a feeling there was some kind of trend developing and it could have been due to the Eskimo kisses, but I had to be sure. So again, a few months later I ran into a hot, umm...let's call her an Arctic Muskrat. After much self-deliberation and many fearful nightmares, I decided it was time to unleash the Eskimo Tip on Musky and see what happened - for research purposes, of course. So I did it, and I did it good. One stroke - less than an inch still in. Some hardcore Eskimo kissing and "You want it, don't you"s. And wouldn't you know it, within a few days this...Arctic Furbearer was blowing up my phone and showing up at my igloo. Now that the Eskimo Tip has been tipped, all that I want to say is that you should use it at your own risk. Educate yourself. Know the risks and know the benefits. If you don't want a ManFluid loving Sperm Whale, a Lake Chub, or for you "suspects" out there, a Bearded Seal to fall in love with you, then don't bust this curse out. If you happen to bang Maria Sharapova, you might want to use it.

I know I invented it, but I never wanted this to go public. However, since one of my friends publicized and disseminated a classified item, I thought I would give you a brief history on the Eskimo Tip, what it really is, and how it originated. Sorry.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Youssif's Dad Traded After All - Meaning This Kidd Will Get Some Much Deserved Facetime

After a bunch of circumspection, the Mavericks and New Jersey Nets have completed the trade that will send PG Jason Kidd and his unfortunate son to Dallas. The completed deal sends Kidd, G/F Antoine Wright, and F Malik Allen to the Mavs in exchange for G Devin Harris, C DeSagana Diop, Maurice Ager (who I guess plays the 2, although I am not really sure if he actually plays at all), F Trenton Hassell, Keith Van Horn's coffin, two future first-round draft picks, and $3 million. Between expiring contracts and the salary cap, NBA trades are mostly ridiculous and this one was especially complicated with the Devean George mess, Stackhouse admitting to looking forward to thirty days of rest, and the swapping of retired players and dead bodies. But it got done. And now the Nets get their point guard of the future and some first-round picks, and the Mavs get the guy who can potentially lead them to a championship. Everyone should happy. Especially this Kidd...

Poor TJ. Sitting baseline, he got a little too close to the Suns. A frightened spectator and obvious NBA Jam fan shouted, "He's on Fire!" And just like that, his life changed forever. It's all good though. I hear Dallas has some of the best medical facilities in the world. Get Well Soon lil' Kidd. We look forward to seeing you pre-game ballin' on the American Airlines Center floor in no time.

Friday, February 15, 2008

Papelbon Predicts 162-0 Season

God, I hate you more than 90 Day Jane.

Here's the quote...

"If we're not the team to beat," Jonathan Papelbon said Thursday, "I'd like to know who is. I think that our No. 1 thing is to stay healthy. If we do that, I don't know who can really compete with us."

It's all good you think you are the team to beat. I have no probs with that, but you "don't know who can really compete with" you? Isn't this baseball where you are pretty much guaranteed to lose at least 60 games? Don't you play in the same league as the Yankees, Tigers, Indians, and Angels? Why even play the 2008 season? Just go ahead and give the Sox the trophy. While you are at it, pry the Lombardi Trophy out of Eli's hands and give it to Belichick and the Pats. Cancel the rest of the NBA season and crown Danny Ainge, the Truth, the Big Ticket, and Jesus Shuttlesworth NBA Champions. I mean, you did invent basketball, right? Give Matt Damon the Best Actor Oscar for The Bourne Ultimatum. Cause nobody can compete with Boston.

Next president - Mitt Romney by default. Bow down to us, ya facks. We are bettahhh than all of yahhhs. Greatest band evahhh - Dropkick Murphy's. Greatest movie evahhh - The Departed or maybe, Good Will Hunting. Greatest hittahhh evahhh - Ted Williams' frozen corpse. Greatest coach evahhh - tie between Belichick and Arnold Jacob Red Auerbach. Greatest beer evahhh - Sam Adams. Greatest hawkey playaah evahhhh - Bobby Orrrrrrrr. Greatest rawwwk evahhh - Plymouth. Greatest family evahhh - Kennedy's. Greatest airpawwrtt evahhh - Logan International. Greatest Red Sawwwwwkk Evahhh - Schilling's bloody one. Greatest school evahhh - MIT, no Hahhhhvaad. Greatest flowaahhh evahhh - the Mayflowahhh. Greatest hawwliday evahhh - St. Patty's Day. Greatest food evahhh - Chowwdahhh. And greatest human being evahhh - Johnny fackin' Appleseed.

Fuck off, Papelbon. You big douche. Listen to this while you j off and shut up.

Devean George Cock Blocks a Kidd

The Dallas Mavericks have a problem. Sure, they are 35-18 and only two games behind New Orleans for the best record in the West. But they are terrible away from American Airlines Center with road losses that include Atlanta, Portland, Indiana, Milwaukee, Sacramento, New Jersey, and Philly. The Mavs are 12-15 on the road. They also need a point guard, a leader. Devin Harris is a solid player with a chance to be really good, but Skip 2 My Lou averages more assists per game than Devin. He is right outside the Top 20 with a 5.3 APG average. That may be more indicative of the Mavericks style of play and may be a result of JT and Dirk handling the ball a lot as well. I love Devin Harris and I hate Jason Kidd, but you can't deny the truth. Kidd is one of the best ball handlers and game managers ever. His versatility, vision, and ability to make everyone on the court better makes him one of the greatest point guards in human history. Even at his age, he is still puttin' up ridiculous numbers - an 11 point, 8 board, 10 assist average. And the Mavs want him and are willing to give up a shit load to get him.

The proposed trade calls for J Kidd and Malik Allen to be swapped from NJ to Dallas in exchange for Devin Harris, Jerry Stackhouse, DeSagana Diop, Maurice Ager, Devean George, $3 million and two first-round picks. The Mavs would be giving up a lot. But they also realize that with 9 or 10 really good teams in the West, they need to do something to get them past defending champs San Antonio, Phoenix and the Lake Show who both have recently made moves aimed at winning a championship, and even Utah, New Orleans, and Golden State.

The only problem is that Devean George, who averages 15 min and 3.8 ppg, used his right to block the deal - "a right afforded to George via a little-known league rule affecting certain players with one-year contracts." Now I'm not going to bash Devean because he has the right to do this and I'm sure it would affect his livelihood and contract status. Plus, who the hell wants to go to Jersey? But after this was reported on Wednesday, George was allowed to play 33 minutes. And he wen't 0-11 from the field and 0-2 from the free throw line. 0-11! And they tried to give you two free points and you missed those too? There should be a little-known league rule that says if you block a trade and then go out and throw up 11 bricks in a row on the same day, you lose all of your rights. Not just the right to block a trade, but your right to free speech, right to bear arms, right to a speedy trial, right to vote, and right to participate in the pre-game layup drill and team introductions.

So here is J Kidd sitting at home, hoping he can go back to Dallas and help the General Avery Johnson win another ring. And there is Devean George - given an opportunity to start in the past few games, he has played 29, 32, 33, and 43 minutes in the previous four games. And boy has he responded. The Mavericks are 1-3 in those four, and George has gone 10-40 (.250) from the floor. Solid contribution son. Glad we are giving you meaningful minutes. I don't think Mark Cuban, Avery Johnson, or J Kidd is too happy.

"Not only did you get a ring in 2000-2001 when I deserved one, but now you are cock blocking me again. I will beat you like I beat wi...i mean...ummm, nevermind."

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Is This Necessary Anymore?

As I was driving down a familiar residential area today, I noticed this sign...

And I realized that I drive by this sign every day, yet I never once have seen a child. I HAVE been watching, but I can't find a one. I thought about all of the possible reasons why children are so hard to find. Maybe a convicted sex offender moved into the neighborhood. Maybe they are playing the greatest non-sports related game EVAR that we used to play as kids...We called it "Cars Can't See Us." It's pretty self-explanatory, but it was so awesome - throwing yourself in bushes, hiding under parked cars, jumping fences, stealing the neighborhood ginger's hiding spot. Or Maybe the sign was put up in 1979 and the children have just grown up and evolved into productive members of society. But then, wouldn't at least some of them have their own children playing?

The sad truth jus ta'int playing outside anymore. Between the intraweb, XBOX Live, Rockband, WoW, and 350 channels of television entertainment, the youth has shit to do inside...Rain or Shine. And that sucks. We had Nintendo, Genesis, and HBO, but we still played outside all day everyday. We played in the woods. We rode bikes. We played intense games of Wiffle Ball, and you better believe we kept stats. We broke windows with line drives off wiffle ball bats using tennis balls. We were Barry Sandersin' folks with NERF balls. Backyard football, football in the street, in the snow, it didn't matter. We played football games with three people called QB/Reciever/DB. We built forts and tree houses. We played tag, flashlight tag, hide n' seek in the dark. We played kickball. We made up games with rubber basketballs and wiffle ball bats and called it BoccieBall because we didn't care for the real Italian version. We played basketball in the rain, snow, cold, 100-degree heat, and under the lights at night - with good hoops, double rims, wooden goal posts, plastic backboards, crappy hoops, goals filled with sand and water. We played pick-up BBall at the park and gym - Horse, Around-the-World, and made up two-person games like "Splash." One-on-One, Two-on-Two, Three-on-Three, half court, full court. We shot each other with bee bee guns and paint balls. We squirted each first with lame-ass hand gun water guns, then with SuperSoakers. We went crazy on Slip-n-Slides and Crocodile Miles. We went swimming. We made up games to play in the pool. We played water polo. We played Marco Polo...

We went fishing. We went to the pond to catch turtles and frogs. We threw rocks and "dirtbombs" at each other. We played more kickball...a lot more. We played street and roller hockey. Someone took one for the team and strapped on the goalie pads and got abused. We got in fights...bloody ones. We skated on frozen ponds and played pick-up hockey games on ice. We ran in the skreets. We played "Smear the Queer" and fake-ass versions of rugby. We played catch and games we called "grounders" and "one hops" - first to miss three lost. We threw baseballs against cement walls. We played "Pickle." We climbed trees. We played wall ball and dodge ball. We built snow forts, had snowball fights, and went sledding. At night, we just ran around till we got tired. We went to the park and played on playgrounds, and swing sets, and the infamous monkey bars. Sometimes we just slept outside. And I'm talking about girls too.

But today, I'm not really sure what kids do. I'm sure they do some of these things, but all that I am saying is that I am done "watching for them" and even slowing down for them. If anything, I'm gonna speed up before they run inside and I miss my chance of seeing them. So if I run over a kid or two, I'm sorry. Don't punish me but rather, thank me for finding these rascals. I should get a prize - or something. A high-five, hand-job, buy one get one free coupon...Something.

Pimp My Friends

Since I am receiving about 400,000 hits a day, I think it is only right that I pimp out my homies...

A Tasty Pint

Chicken Wings & Haters

Pickles Baseball

SB's and Tuxedo T's

And buy some Pickles Merchandise while you're at it.

You guys can thank me later.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Daddy, Uncle Trevor Touched Me

ESPN the Magazine's Tom Friend wrote a great article and suprisingly, it is actually about baseball and not misrememberences.

It's about these guys...

Now them is some badasses!

Debbie Clemens Is A Cheater

Congress is disgracing our great nation with this nonsense.

Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrr...Why did you inject my wife with HGH? I was not at the Canseco party. I'll kill you!

In the meantime...

* The Twins signed Livan Hernandez to a one-year, $5 million contract. National League pitchers can now sleep at night.

* Craig Biggio was hired by the Astros to serve as "a special assistant to general manager Ed Wade, a similar role held by Jeff Bagwell." Awwww...Bigg <3's Bags. They can't quit each other.

* Kevin Mench went back to the Rangers, agreeing to a minor league contract. The Dallas Morning News reports, "the Rangers are in a reunion kind of mood. A week after bringing back Nolan Ryan, the club decided to reunite with Kevin Mench as well." My god, that is some terrible journalism. Here is what happened when Nolan Ryan heard he had just been mentioned in the same sentence as Kevin Mench.

* The Padres avoided arbitration with Khalil Greene and agreed to a two-year deal worth $11 million. It's too bad because here is what the arbitration hearing would have looked like.

* They found Lil Wayne's duffle bag. And it wasn't full of money this time.

* Scientists found a flying Dino-SAUR in China. Here's a photograph Captain Caveman took a few years back.

Update: Photo has been deleted. Here is an artists rendering via: AP. March 19 - 3:00 pm

* And here is some football news to help ease your shakes while you eagerly wait for the Combine. looks at the top receivers and apparently, the Colt Brennan bashing has begun. Actually, Marcus Howard started that in New Orleans a little over a month ago.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Don't Write A Check Yo Ass Can't Cash Congressman

The state of Georgia is in a historic drought. 38,000 acre Lake Lanier is dried up. And now Georgia wants what it rightfully deserves.

Lawmakers Say Part Of Tenn. Belongs To Ga.

The state of Georgia says its "border is supposed to be the 35th parallel, but an 1818 survey put it just about a mile south of there, and they said they want a new survey." If this is true, they would lay claim to a portion of the Tennessee River and this may help solve its water woes.

In response, Tennessee state Rep. Andy Berk issued a challenge. “My first thought was maybe we can settle this over a game of college football, but that would be unfair to the citizens of Georgia.” Seriously? Bring that shit on! We will step on your face with a hobnail boot and break your nose. We will crush your face. Bring your Rocky Top chanting, clipboard-carrying asses to the border and get some! Bring Peyton Manning if you want. It don't effin' matter. Georgia is better than the Patriots. And if you really want to issue a ridiculous challenge like that Congressman, you had better be ready to put your faith in Phil Fulmer's fat donut-eating ass. Believe me when I say that he will find a way to piss away your precious river with field goals and Clausens starting meaningful games for you for six straight years of futility. Go ahead and annex the state of Hawaii over to Georgia while you are at it. Maybe their Samoans and volcanoes can pray to the water gods and give my father his god damn lake back. Fuck you Rep. Berk. Strap your chinstrap up real tight, put on your big boy shoulder pads and get ready to be HIT IN THE MOUTH. Bill Bates style. We will crank dat all over your hillbilly Appalachian faces. Get ready. Set an early bed check and eat plenty of Wheaties because Herschel Walker, David Greene, Sean Jones, and the boys are coming for you and this time it's for realz.

Remember this...bitch!

Monday, February 11, 2008

What do Chris Berman and Project Pat Have in Common? Aunt Jemima Solves the Riddle

Updating My Previous Post: I'm Sorry, Bruce. These Boys Get That Syrup in 'Em, They Get All Antsy in Their Pantsy.

I just found this. Apparently Chris "Triple Deux" Berman loves Codeine as well. Da Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiders.

Be careful Boomer or else you may wind up next to DJ Screw and Pimp C...In the sand, like most of your golf shots this past weekend at the Pebble Beach Pro-Am. God, you were terrible...and sweaty!

Update: This video has been removed by ESPN, but trust me it was hilarious. It was about sneaking Tylenol with Codeine across the Canadian border. February, 13 - 11:30 am

Update: You can find the video and much more here. Thanks Deadspin. February 13 - 2:30 pm

Hockey In the News Today...Finally

This guy got traded...

The Eastern Conference leading Ottawa Senators aqcuired that guy, Mike Commodore and F Cory Stillman from the Hurricanes for F Patrick Eaves and D Joe Corvo. The Hurricanes are currently in 10th place in the east, three points out the final playoff spot and Stillman has 56 points and Commodore has the sweetest get-up in human history. But apparently the Senators need more help and Hurricanes GM Jim Rutherford said, "We're very happy to address one of our needs, making our defense more mobile and adding a player like Joe that can play on the power play. Also, we view Patrick as a real character player, a real good young player that can fit into our style of play."

Stillman had to waive his no-trade clause. Wow, do I wanna play for the best team in the league and defending conference champions in one of the best hockey cities around or do I want to play in North Carolina...Raliegh, North Carolina...for a 10th place team? Tough choice. I know his heart was really in Carolina, along with the tobacco, bootleggers, and racists. I hope he can get over it by bangin' hockey-crazy broads in Canada, hunting giant moose, and sippin out of the Cup come June.

Ohh yeah...This guy got his neck sliced open too.

Baseball...So Close I Can Smell It.

Nails woke up today, threw in a chaw and started tellin' tales of the good ole days. So I thought it was a good time to start talking baseball. Anyone who knows me knows that baseball is my life and I plan on going Cadillac crazy with baseball talk.

Fuck the Mitchell Report!

Let's look at what really happened this off-season.

* A-Rod opted out and then slapped his free-agency papers out of Scott Boras' hands and re-signed with the Yankees for 10 years and $275 mil. Championship!

* The Braves traded SS Edgar Renteria to Detroit for RHP Jair Jurrjens and 20-year-old OF prospect Gorkys Hernandez. The Tigers also acquired 3Beast Miguel Cabrera and P Dontrelle Willis from the Marlins for LHP Andrew Miller, OF Cameron Maybin, C Mike Rabelo, and prospects Eulogio de la Cruz, Dallas Trahern and Burke Badenhop.

* The Twins had a busy off-season. First they traded RHP Matt Garza, INF Jason Bartlett, and AA RHP Eduardo Morlan to the Rays for OF Delmon Young, INF Brendan Harris, and AAA OF Jason Pridie. Then after overplaying their hands with the Yankees and Red Sox, traded their ace, LHP Johan Santana to the Mets for prospects OF Carlos Gomez, RHP Philip Humber, RHP Kevin Mulvey, and 18-year-old RHP Deolis Guerra. The Mets then gave Johan a six-year $137.5 million contract.

* The Orioles traded LHP Erik Bedard for OF Adam Jones, loogy George Sherrill, and minor-league pitchers Tony Butler, Chris Tillman and Kam Mickolio.

These were all interesting moves for me and my fantasy team. I am in a keeper league and have Jurrjens, Willis, Miller, Maybin, Humber, Bedard, and Jones on my roster. I also have Phil Hughes who was part of the Yankees proposed package for Santana. So needless to say, I too had a busy off-season.

* The Yankees also did something they never do and locked up my favorite player Robbie Cano to a long-term deal and the Rockies locked up the Derek Jeter lovin Troy Tulowitzki.

I will eventually analyze all of these trades and tell you what they mean, but for know enjoy my boy Hanley. The Best Player...wait for all of baseball!

I'm Sorry, Bruce. These Boys Get That Syrup in 'Em, They Get All Antsy in Their Pantsy

There is currently a drug epidemic in the United States that many people have absolutely no idea about. According to Wikipedia, the drug is known as Purple drank, but from my experiences it is best known as Sizzurp or Syrup. Liquid Friggin' Codeine. You are pro-BOB-ly asking yourself, "How serious can this be?"

This is huge in the southern rap scene, especially in Houston where DJ Screw was known for two things. The first was slowing down tracks of a cut when he was mixing them. Anyone who knows about Three Six Mafia knows what I am talking about. And if you don't know about the Triple Six ummm...killa's, then you need to do some research. I mean, we have been bumpin that shit since middle school around here. No 8th Grade party was complete without some 3-6. The next was that...dat Syrup.

Anyway, DJ Screw, UGK (Pimp C and Bun B), Three Six, Z-Ro, Project Pat, Lil Wayne, etc. started rapping about Sippin on that Sizzurp. And then people who listened to this stuff, began trying to get their hands on liquid codeine. And I guess, they began realizing that it isn't really that difficult to do. God knows I have seen my fair share of this stuff. If I were a real journalist, I would probably attempt to write a story about this because anyone outside of this particular music scene is most likely unaware of the severity of the problem.

DJ Screw, the so called originator of the "purple scene," died from a codeine overdose in 2000 after releasing discs and mix-tapes with classic titles such as "Codeine Fiend," "Sippin' Codeine," and "Syrup Sippers." Then Big Moe, creator of classic CD's "City of Syrup" and "Purple World" died of an overdose in October of 2007. And on December 4, 2007, everyone's favorite Pimp...C, was found dead in a West Hollywood hotel. I'll give you one guess how he died.

Naturally, my first question is how much of this shit do you have to consume before Barney starts singing Enter Sandman and you are comatose? I always knew what Lil Wayne was talking about when he said he liked his Sprite Easter pink. But just look at these retards making "Lean." Are these guys drinking this shit nonstop like that one annoying guy who carries his water bottle around all day? Wake up. Drink some Sprite. Take shower. Drink more Sprite. Go to Work. Smoke Blunt. Check Blackberry. Drink more Sprite. Pass out. Never wake up again. Sounds fun.

In 2006, Terrence Kiel, who at the time was the San Diego Chargers starting safety, was arrested at the team facility for felony possession of codeine-based cough syrup with the intent to distribute. Kiel is from Texas and played at Texas A&M and was also tryin' to make that lean.

In case you are wondering here is the recipe...

"-Promethazine w/Codeine VC <- Sizzurp (active ingredient)
-Original Sprite Soda <- Mixing ingredient (although different flavors of sprite are now used, such as sprite remix)
-Jolly rancher candy <- Flavor additive"

I don't really have much to add to this issue other than that this shit is ridiculous and I thought that I should at least let people know what is going on in the world today or else you will keep walking around with a blind eye...Looking both ways before you cross the street, drinking your Starbuck's mocha-fagga-lotta, reading the New York Times, and failing to see what the hell is really going on in the world. Unless, of course, you watch Fox News because they report and you decide.

Uploaded by skaybn

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Can't Spell Destiny without a NY. Boston Sucks! Eighteen and One. How 'Bout Them Apples.

2007 New York Champion Giants - Greatest Team Ever?

Watching Tom Brady play Super Bowl XLII from his back will forever be one of the greatest memories of my life. Joe Montana had just driven his team 80 yards and had hit Jerry Rice in the end zone for the go-ahead TD with 2:50 remaining. Then, little Awkward Elisha Manning marched onto the field and put together one of the greatest drives in football history. Former Pro-Bowler David Tyree made what is apparently the defining catch of the the history of the league. Then defensive Genius Bill Belichick decided to go Cover Zero and bring seven. I understand you are in the Red Zone, but no safety help...Really? Seriously? Plax, playing the X, gave a little slant move, Ellis Hobbs sat on it and got abused on a fade. "17 Go Get It." G-Men 17. Boston Patriots Failure. Losers.

I hope there are enough ShamWows still available to soak up all of the chowdery tears that you bean-eating arrogant Boston folk have shed. "Eighteen and One!"

Eli Manning is wishing upon a star, while Gisele is consoling a teary-eyed failure. Peyton was Tiger Sunday fist-pumping for his little bro. Shockey was advertising his G-Shock watch and simultaneously triple fisting a Budweiser, Margarita, and glass o Boxed Wine. Gibril got his ring. Strahan solidified one of the greatest careers of all-time. Madison Hedgecock called the Rams and personally thanked them for cutting him after Week 1. Domenik Hixon became the first player in NFL history to paralyze someone and win a Lombardi Trophy in the same season. I think he owes Kevin Everett his ring. Tiki got a text that said "What now biatch? <3 Your Pal Eli - Champion. Leader. From: Eli AM 12:36 2/4/08," then he called Ronde and asked if he could touch his trophy. Archie j'd off into a jar and froze his super-sperm just in case. Lawrence Taylor relapsed. I burned some mattresses and flipped some Cadillacs. Scotty Norwood woke up in a cold sweat from a nightmare and rolled off the wide right side of his bed. Joe "Willie" Namath finally got his kiss from Suzy. Randy Moss began negotiating a new contract to be payed in Straight Cash Homie. Welker's getting Whiter. Belichick already began thinking about his #7 Overall Draft Pick while sleeping under a bridge with a shopping cart full of cut-up hoodies. Big Papi spilled his milkshake. Curt Schilling threw away his Tedy Bear Bruschi jersey. Bill Simmoms hates life. And Carl rejoiced. What a great fucking day.

Super Bowl Champions - You can't ever take that away. Just ask Don Shula, John Madden, and Charile Batch.