Monday, March 31, 2008

Here We Fuckin Go Again...Like A Hobo I Was Born to Walk Alone. It's Baseball Season Bitches

Oh my god. Oh my god. An' I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time. But here I go again, here I go again. And I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time. Here I go again on my own. Goin' down the only road I've ever known. Like a drifter I was born to walk alone. Cause I know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams.

1:45 pm
Toronto Blue Jays (Halladay) @ NY Yankees (Wang) - in a rain delay.

KC Royals (Meche) @ Detroit Tigers (Verlander) - 1-0 Tigers in the 2nd. RBI single up the middle from Edgar Renteria on a Gil Meche hanging curveball, plating Carlos Guillen.

1:50 pm
KC Royals (Meche) @ Detroit Tigers (Verlander) - 1-0 in the bottom of the 3rd. Royals CF David DeJesus is already out of the game replaced by one car-jumping Joey Gathright. Meche already has four K's. Magglio is 2-2 with a single and double and currently on second base with one out and Miguel Cabrera at the plate.

2:00 pm
KC Royals (Meche) @ Detroit Tigers (Verlander) - 2-out single through the right side from Carlos Guillen. The not-yet suspended Jose Gullien unleashed a cannon and threw Mags out at home to end the inning. Still 1-0 Tigers through three innings. Gil Meche's pitch count is already at 53 and Verlander has yet to give up a hit.

2:10 pm
KC Royals (Meche) @ Detroit Tigers (Verlander) - Billy Butler breaks up Verlander's no-hitter with a base hit by a diving Miguel Cabrera. But he got Mark Teahen to ground out to first to end the inning. Apparently, David DeJesus re-injured the ankle he originally twisted during spring training. Tigers 1-0.

2:20 pm
Arizona Diamondbacks (Webb) @ Cincinnati Reds (Harang) - in a rain delay.

Milwaukee Brewers (Sheets) @ Chicago Cubs (Zambrano) - also in a rain delay.

2:25 pm
KC Royals (Meche) @ Detroit Tigers (Verlander) - With 2 out, the bases loaded and an 0-2 count, Sheffield takes four straight balls to score Pudge. Meche then got Magglio to fly out to right, stranding three runners. He's at 84 pitches through four. Tigers 2-0.

2:30 pm
Toronto Blue Jays (Halladay) @ NY Yankees (Wang) - game PPD. Game rescheduled for 7:05 pm tomorrow night. God damnit. I can't wait any longer.

KC Royals (Meche) @ Detroit Tigers (Verlander) - Verlander retired Ross Gload, John Buck, and Tony Pena Jr. in order, striking out Buck and Pena. He has six K's on 71 pitches through five innings. Still 2-0 Tigers.

KC Royals (Meche) @ Detroit Tigers (Verlander) - Miguel Cabrera leads off the 5th with a blast on a hanging off-speed pitch. He also is currently rocking a Hispanic Kid n' Play haircut. It can be seen here. MVP? Tigers 3-0.

KC Royals (Meche) @ Detroit Tigers (Verlander)
After a Gathright groundout and Grundlesack single, George Brett Alex Gordon hit a 2-run bomb to right. Butler and Jose Guillen then flied out to complete the top half of the 6th. Tigers 3 - Royals 2.

KC Royals (Meche) @ Detroit Tigers (Verlander) - Meche retired the Tigers in order. 99 pitches through six. He may be done.

Arizona Diamondbacks (Webb) @ Cincinnati Reds (Harang) - About to start.

Milwaukee Brewers (Sheets) @ Chicago Cubs (Zambrano) - About to start.

Chicago White Sox (Buehrle) @ Cleveland Indians (Sabathia) - 3:05 pm start

Washington Nationals (Chico) @ Philadelphia Phillies (Wife-Beating Myers) - 3:05 pm start

Tampa Bay Rays (Shields) @ Baltimore Orioles (Guthrie) - 3:05 pm start.

KC Royals (Meche) @ Detroit Tigers (Grilli) - Verlander walked Teahen to start the inning. Gload singled him to third. And he was pulled for Jason Grilli. John Buck singled in Teahen. Nobody out. Tigers 3 - Royals 3.

Milwaukee Brewers (Sheets) @ Chicago Cubs (Zambrano) - Zambrano struck out Rickie Weeks on three pitches. Tony Gwynn Jr. with a one-out single and stolen base. Two-outs, Gwynn on second.

Chicago White Sox (Buehrle) @ Cleveland Indians (Sabathia) - After a one-out walk to Orlando Cabrera, Jim Thome hit a homerun off Sabathia. CCy then struck out Paul Konerko and Jermaine Dye to end the top of the 1st. White Sox 2-0.

KC Royals (Tomko) @ Detroit Tigers (Lopez) - Bobby Seay replaced Grilli and got Gathright to line out to short, then was replaced by Aquilino Lopez. Grundlesack singled home Gload before Lopez got Gordon to fly out. Brett Tomko, wait...Brett Tomko is now in to pitch for KC against Sheff, Mags, and Cabrera. Yikes! Royals 4 - Tigers 3.

Washington Nationals (Chico) @ Philadelphia Phillies (Wife-Beating Myers) - Small ball for the Phills. MVP Rollins with a lead-off double. Shane Victorino sac bunt. Chase Utley sac fly. Ryan Howard ground out. Phillies 1-0 after one.

Tampa Bay Rays (Shields) @ Baltimore Orioles (Guthrie) - With future-Cub Brian Roberts and Nick Markakis on base and one out, Carl Crawford misplayed a deep Kowboy Kevin Millar fly ball. Two runs scored. Orioles 2-0 through the 1st.

Arizona Diamondbacks (Webb) @ Cincinnati Reds (Harang) - Orlando Hudson scored on a Conner Jackson single. D-Bags 1-0 through one.

Chicago White Sox (Buehrle) @ Cleveland Indians (Sabathia) - Indians start off the bottom of the 2nd single, single, single, bases-loaded fielder's choice to score Victor Martinez. Followed by a Franklin Gutierrez 3-run jack. Grady Sizemore also hit a solo job and the Tribe has batted around in the 2nd. Buehrle sucks. Indians 5 - White Sox 2.

KC Royals (Tomko) @ Detroit Tigers (Jones) - Carlos Guillen homered off Tomko to lead off the bottom of the 8th. Todd Jones is now in to pitch the 9th for Detroit. Tigers 4 - Royals 4.

Arizona Diamondbacks (Webb) @ Cincinnati Reds (Harang) - Chris Young and Eric Byrnes homered off Harang in the 3rd. D-Bags 3-0.

Chicago White Sox (Masset) @ Cleveland Indians (Sabathia) - Buehrle out, Indians still batting. Tribe 7 - Sox 2.

Tampa Bay Rays (Shields) @ Baltimore Orioles (Guthrie) - Rays get three runs in the 3rd. Rays 3 - Orioles 2.

Milwaukee Brewers (Sheets) @ Chicago Cubs (Zambrano) - Back in a rain delay after Zambrano struck out to lead off the top of the 3rd. Each team with 1 hit. No score.

KC Royals (Soria) @ Detroit Tigers (Bautista) - With Denny Bautista on the mound for his second inning of work, Mark Teahen led off the top of the 11th with a walk. Gload then "sac"ked him over. John Buck singled up the middle and new "Center Fielder" Brandon Inge gunned Teahen out at home with Buck advancing to second on the throw. However, Tony Pena followed that with a huge two-out single to plate Buck and give the Royals the lead. Royals closer Joakim Soria came on to pitch the bottom half of the 11th and after a lead-off double by Clete Thomas and a sac bunt by Brandon Inge, Soria struck out Renteria. With two down Polanco ripped one down to third where Alex Gordon made a beautiful game-saving diving stop to rob Polanco of the tying hit. Final: Royals 5 - Tigers 4. W: Nunez (1-0) L: Bautista (0-1) S: Soria (1). HR - KAN: A. Gordon (1) DET: C. Guillen (1), M. Cabrera (1)

And I'm spent.

Bravo! Say Hello to Your First Place Trashionals

Photo Courtesy: AP - Pablo Martinez Monsivais

Ryan Zimmerman. Walk. Off. Washington Cast-Offs victorious. Aren't you glad that everyone is picking you to represent the NL in the Word Series, Bravos? Say hello to the cellar. I'm sure the Marlins will enjoy not being there for a day or two. I know for a fact that this Expos Nats fan is happy.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

My God. Why Did Wisconsin Lose the Other Night? Glad You Asked

Stephen Curry? Getting outscored by 17 in the second half? 12 turnovers to Davidson's 5? No, no, and no.

That is Wisconsin basketball coach Bo Ryan. Apparently Bo is both a pimp and an accomplished dancer. I have a sneaking suspicion that he may also be black. Not only did he perfect and crank the Soulja Boy, but he also is an expert at the old plantation schoolyard classic the Hambone aka the Juba Dance. Inform yourself.

Seriously though, the stellar careers of Wisconsin seniors Michael Flowers, Brian Butch, and Greg Stiemsma are over. Truth be told, they had a pretty good run. And Bo is not only a pretty entertaining guy, but also a damn good basketball coach with a great defensive mind. He has taught me how to defend down screens and how to prevent low-post entry passes. Thanks, Bo. Keep hiding behind that JabbaWockeeZ mask and no one will ever suspect a thing.

What UNC and UCLA Won? God Damn Bigfoot Ruined My Weekend and This Poor 'Tards Life

While you guys were probably watching Davidson beat Wisconsin, and UCLA and Carolina advance to the Final Four, I was busy...getting busy. Gene Morrill can relate. This guy who may or may not been the star of Life Goes On, was arrested on molestation charges after trying to solicit young boys, most likely in an AOL 4.0 Private Chat Room...But wait, he has a legitimate excuse! During his own childhood, he was molested by a sick, dirty man...bipedal hominid. He claims he was molested by Bigfoot. Yes, he says Bigfoot stuck his Gigantopithecus blacki inside of him. I guess they are going to have to change the mascot for the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver. We can't have a mysterious Nordic-Jumping molester who dreams of one day becoming the next Patrick Roy representing our greatest Winter Sports, whatever they may be.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Time to Bust Out the Black Socks

Photo Courtesy: AP - 1991

The Sweet Sixteen kicks off today and Chris Webber has officially retired. And then there was one...One Shining Moment.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

The David Lee Game as Told by Gus Johnson

I know that was awesome, but damn Gus. Damn. December 21, 2006. Double Overtime and David Lee somehow breaks the Trent Tucker Rule thanks to a tip-in with 00.1 second on the clock. But the real story is Gus Friggin' Johnson literally losing his shit. He sounded like me when I saw this...

Gotta love the NBA continuation. If you want more, here is the whole story on that play.

Get Your Duck Sauce Ready...It's Baseball for Breakfast

Photo Courtesy: Wikipedia

So the baseball season is officially underway this morning as Dice-K and the Sox take on Joe Blanton and the Athletics. I am awake with StatTracker up and running, eating my Cinnamon Life and drinking a Busch at "some girls" house. I just did the old "crack the can open as quietly as possible" trick. To be honest, I am actually kind of scared she may wake up and wonder what I am doing in her living room wearing knee-high socks and eyeblack with all of the lights turned off at 5:30 am. But if she's gotz a problem, I got five solutions...across her eye. (By the way, other than the eyeblack that is all completely true). Let's go Oakland. Little Jap girls and Jap boys have skipped Shogakko to see Nancy Drew strikeout twice and ground into a rally-killing double play. Emil Brown is goin' 2-4 with 3 RBI, putting the Yankees in first place where they will reside for the remainder of the glorious '08 season. And of course, I have to listen to god damn Steve Phillips. Thanks ESPN, thanks. Oh, baseball. How I missed you. If this morning wood lasts longer than four hours, I ain't callin' the doctor. I hope it never goes away. Here we go A's.

Update: J.D. Drew was scratched from the lineup because his back was acting up. Let's's 6:10 a.m., the baseball season has been underway for 30 seconds, and J.D. Drew is already injured. HaHaHa. I guess those kids who skipped school to see him ground into an inning-ending DP will have to settle for a Papi bomb. March 25 - 6:10 am

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

If You Want Your Students to Like You, Let Them Watch the Damn NCAA Tournament During Class

While some of you may prefer to watch five guys dance on roller skates while Albert Clifford Slater watches intently, it's time for the rest of us to plan out our weekend which starts Thursday at noon.

Now that the entire tournament is offered online, college students don't have to skip class to watch Thursday and Friday's (well let's be honest, if you have Friday classes you are either a dork or don't go anyway) games. But c'mon, most students will still skip class. And now high-school coaches can show one game on the class TV and the other games on their computer while secretly housing the kids who are skipping Ms. Bitchass's Enlgish and Mr. DeeBag's US History class.

I have been surveying the intraweb reading some stuff...

* Here is the official TV schedule with announcers included. The tourney starts off with Georgia and Xavier on one TV, and a 12-5 match-up being called by one Gus Johnson on the other TV. Looks like I'll be listening to two games at once.

* This website has all the shit you want to know about the tournament.

* Here are capsules for each game. Washington St. is 10-7 against teams in the NCAA field. That's a lot of games and a pretty good record.

* This guy is rooting for Belmont because he doesn't really like Duke all that much, and has some nice things to say about Coach K and Duke Point Guards.

* Deadspin previews the Georgia - Xavier game, referring to Dave Bliss as a "doofy tall white guy."

That's what it's all aboutz. No video needed. 'Nuff said.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Goodbye Dodgertown

Photo Courtesy: Reuters - Hans Deryk

So the Dodgers are moving their Spring home to Arizona and people are sad. Apparently historic Dodgertown in Vero Beach, Florida, is full of rich memories. But really, I just wanted an excuse to let you listen to some Tommy Lasorda. Did you hear that? He farted. Boy, do we love us some of this guy.

I Love Speed

And this guy is FAST. (Thanks to Throwing Into Traffic)

That's former ECU Running Back and NFL Combine star Chris Johnson. Sure, he's not in his Timberlands and sweats like this guy...

Ryuuuuken. Nevertheless, he is still the fastest mothereffer I have seen since this crew. He runs a GPA in the 40. Good luck catching this guy in open space. NFL Defensive Backs beware, there is no good angle to take on Chris Johnson.

Georgia is Better Than the Houston Rockets

Photo Courtesy: AP - Bill Haber

Dennis Felton talks about winning the SEC Championship and playing Xavier.

...and in Georgia football news, LB Marcus Washington will undergo shoulder surgery and is most likely out for the season. Time to man up Dewberry.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Bill Buckner is a Huge Fan of the TV Series "Life Goes On"

Let's start the damn season already. I read something I wrote a few years back and it made me laugh. Here it is...

"This article begins with me stating my allegiance: I am a Yankees fan and I hope you have a problem with that. Your problems make me feel better about myself. Similar to many Yankee fans, I can’t stand being awake and/or alive after a Yankee loss and after a victory I feel like a million bucks. The effect that the Yanks results has on my soul can only be described as lunacy and can only be rivaled by the psychosis that Red Sox fans also possess. However, people are always complaining about my love for the Yankees. I often hear the quote, “Rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for the house in blackjack.” I heard this even more during the Playoffs That We Do Not Speak Of, when Braves, Rangers, Orioles, Giants, etc. fans were rooting for the self-proclaimed dumbass Red Sox.

Despite the fact that I am still not over the Playoffs That We Do Not Speak Of and things may never be the same, I was never really bothered by the comment, “Rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for the house,” because I expect and hope that you hate the Yankees. “Eff you,” I say, “We win and you suck.” However, the more I thought about that stupid rooting for the house comment and how everyone was and still is rooting for the Red Sox, the harder it became for me to understand how you could actually root for the Red Sox. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not saying anything about real Sox fans rooting for their team, but I decided that if I was not only going to have to listen to that idiotic rooting for the house comment, but also watch the idiotic Red Sox play against the Yankees 19+ times a season, that I had to come up with my own stupid quote also. [note: This is about to become an angry and perhaps offensive rant].

Not only did I make myself laugh, but this was I swear to god the first thing I though of.

Me (thinking to myself): “If rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for the house, then rooting for the Red Sox is like rooting for…(thinking for a total of about 3 seconds)…

“Rooting for the Red Sox is like rooting for a retarded child.” And I am not talking about rooting for some retarded kid who is your friend’s nephew to get a silver medal in the Special Olympics; I am talking about sitting in the waiting room before your first child’s birth and rooting that a retard pops out. Or even worse like saying to your wife when she is 6 months pregnant, “Do you think you could drink a little bit more and maybe smoke this rock of crack/cocaine that I just spent $30 on and don’t want to waste, because I really, really want to have a retarded child. Girl, boy…I don’t care as long as it is really fucking stupid, hard to deal with, and funny to look at after I come home from a hard day’s work.” That is the Red Sox in a nutshell: really fucking stupid, hard to deal with, and funny to look at after I come home from a hard day’s work, but at times rewarding when they do something remotely good.

I am not exactly sure how politically correct that is. I actually thought that I might have matured out of making such derogatory comments, but since I have been making fun of retards my entire life I could care less – hell is already awaiting my impending death. Let me say it again, “Rooting for the current Red Sox team is like rooting for a retarded child.” Is this not the Gods honest truth? And I do not just mean this seasons team; I am talking about the team for the previous few seasons. These guys are hilarious and by hilarious I obviously mean a disgrace. Now I may be a little biased and may be a little upset about that whole Playoffs That We Do Not Speak Of thing, but come on you have to agree with me somewhat. Now don’t get me wrong – I know and understand that they are a good baseball team with a great deal of talent, but Jesus Christ! [note: I could make a Johnny Damon joke, but since that was unintentional I will refrain].

I could go through and say something about every damn player on the roster, but I think that I will save that for part two…and the fact that if I did that I could not even comment on Abe Alvarez’s stupid hat and face, the stupid first names of all the Red Sox prospects such as Hanley, Anibal, and Cla – is that pronounced Claaaaaaaaa, like when you open your mouth at the dentist (although they may not be as bad as recent Yankee call up Melky), or Gabe Kapler’s trip to Japan, because they are not even on the roster.

The funny part is that when Millar was coming up with nicknames for the team as a whole – Cowboys, Dirtballs, Idiots, (he missed Clowns, but I think that was rhetorical) – he actually wasn’t that far off. In fact, maybe before the 2005 playoffs he will come right out and say it, “We’re a bunch of Fucking Retards.” That is if he isn’t traded in a few days so C-3POlerud’s helmet can play first.

Coming Soon: Part Two
1. A rundown of every player and his own retarded bio.
2. Answers to questions such as, “Why can’t Manny Ramirez speak English if he has lived in the United States for 25 years?” and even more puzzling, “Why can’t Johnny Damon either?” and “Is Bellhorn’s jewfro actually just taped onto his hat like a Halloween costume?” and “How to correctly pronounce Mueller?”
3. A contest of who can come closest without going over in guessing how many loads have been blown on Trot Nixon’s hat.
4. Revealing Secrets: The truth as to how much money Dale Sveum has to pay John Henry and Larry Luchino to remain the third base coach."

I'm guessing this song was a huge hit after last year's World Series. Why Sweet Caroline? Ohh, Sweet Corky Thatcher [wohh ohh ohh], good times never seemed so good [so good, so good, so good]. This is so much better.

Thursday, March 13, 2008


What's that? A beautiful day, Vin Scully, a sick 12-6 curve, and a Red Sox player getting rung to end an inning = the greatest video ever. Personally, I would have been sitting on a breaking pitch with a 1-2 count and ripped it through the hole between short and third, but I mean damn, Clayton Kershaw just made Sean Casey look silly.

Update: This video has been removed by MLB. However, Kershaw's curveball can be seen here. This video is of terrible quality and is announced by Sean McDonough who is no Vin Scully. But still at the 3:49 mark, Kershaw unleashes the filth. March 25 - 12:05 pm

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Hell Yeah. It's Fishin' Season

So crack open a gold-top and go catch ya' a large mouth. Whether you prefer a Daredevle spoon, a crankbait, or the classic plastic worm, you better have plenty of Busch Beers at your disposal. Gold-top, Silver-top, Camoflauge, or Busch Ice...Don't matter, it's all delicious - a delectable treat preserved for only the greatest of men, true Americans.

So do yourself a favor and head for the mountains...

Find me a friggin' horse. I'm buying a horse. Right. Now. And goin ridin'...hhhwasted.

Or start a fire. Don't be alarmed, however. I'll be there to save the day. Just gimme a second to crack open a Silver-top before I slide down the pole and head out alongside some other great American heroes...Firefighters.

I Was Going To Graduate This Semester, but Then I Failed Film Class...and Life - We Failed at That Too

I know I almost failed "Music, Society, and Culture" my senior year, but holy geez.

"Smith sending in Obrzut, Pick and Rollin like we drew it!!! Pass the ball to Crawford, and get the Slam Dunk!!!!" Wow, you spit hot fire.

Lazy Tuesday?...more like Lazy Schoolwork. No I will not make out with you. Did ya hear that? This girl wants to make out with me in the middle of class. You got Kentucky Basketball Kids up there talking about God knows what and all she can talk about is making out with me. I'm here to learn, everybody, not to make out with you. Go on with the Kentucky Bas-KITT-ball.

Friday, March 7, 2008

Tim Floyd, Is There No Limit? This Story Makes Me Say Ugghhh

Finding a replacement for OJ Mayo. No problem. Just holler at Master P if you hear him. He's got the hook up. Lil' Romeo's best friend is the No. 5 ranked basketball prospect and top-ranked small forward in the country. And Lil' Romeo wants to go to USC's prestigious film school. Oh...and he wants to ball too. On scholarship. Even though he is not that good. And has a bum knee. What's that Tim Floyd? You are actually recruiting me? An offer? Well no one else was dumb enough...I mean, sure. It was that easy? So, your walk-ons aren't going to get mad or anything are they? Sorry John Bender. Looks like you'll have to wait another year. But hey, keep up the hustle in practice. We need you on scout team, giving your blood and sweat every day, getting abused by Mayo and Taj Gibson - helping them become NBA lottery picks. So what you have to pay $44,000 a year when your family only makes $60,000.

Tajuan Porter and Darren Collison, you guys better watch out. Lil' Romeo is so gonna shut you down next year. Oh, he's not going to play? Wait, so why...why is he getting a scholarship? "We may have more 11- to 17-year-old girls in the stands than we've had in the past," said Floyd. Ohh, I get it. But you like them that young, Mr. Floyd? I mean 17, sure, but come on?

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Election '08

McCain, Obama, Hil? Fuck no. Only one man deserves your vote this November. This man...

Greatest speech EVER. In the history of Mankind - that word should have new meaning for all of us today. MLK, JFK, FDR, and even Reagan are all jealous. and dead. Vote Thomas J. Whitmore - President 2008. He belongs in the air.

Make Sure to Set Your Tivo - It's Going to be So Wizard

In case you missed it, read this. 5:00 p.m. Eastern standard. Today...Thursday, March 6th. ESPN2 - Ginger Wizard in the 2007 Speed Pools Finals. Please watch. If you are not going to be home, please do yourself a favor and Tivo or DVR it. If you do not have this technology, dust off the VCR and record over some old WCW Nitro VHS's or Aersosmith videos starring Alicia Silverstone. If you can't do that, then you can come over my house and watch it this weekend. I'm having a cookout, I promise. No gingers allowed. Damn, I got you. You just got straight Rick Rolled.


Wednesday, March 5, 2008

All Eyes on Big Game Tonight in Boston

The two best teams in the NBA face off tonight in Boston, Mass., sans parquet. The Celtics will become the first team to clinch a playoff birth with a win tonight over the Detroit Pistons. Newly acquired Sam Cassell will not suit up for the Celts, but Theo Ratliff, signed by Detroit on Tuesday, may play. And contribute nothing.

Prediction: 'Sheed drains at least five 3-pointers, Bill Laimbeer punches Eddie House in the face, Brian Scalabrine misses the only shot he takes, and the Pistons steal one on the road. Detroit 90 - Boston Sucks 87.

7:30 p.m. Eastern start time. Follow the game live here. Or buy NBA League Pass.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

If I Liked Dudes...I'm Just Saying

Here is a great article on my BFF Robbie Cano. And just so my other boyfriend doesn't get jealous, here you are Hanley. And Gibril you can take your money and run because, "I still don't have the reason. And you don't have the time. And it really makes me wonder if I ever gave a fuck about you." JK. I still <3 U! Good luck in Oakland.

And if you have ever wondered what a conversation between Kurt Warner and Jon Kitna would sound like, Kissing Suzy Kolber has supplied the answer. It is hilarious!

The Ginger Wizard...Seriously? This Guy Once Again Proves That Red Hair = Automatic Dork

So I am watching ESPN2, listening to Tommy Smythe "yai-de-de-yai" about Arsenal knocking AC Milan out of the UEFA Champions League Round of 16, when the "2007 International Speed Pool Challenge: First Semifinal" comes on. Some guy with the grossest Hispanic mullet ever was playing and I was falling asleep until I heard the name of his opponent, "The Ginger Wizard." I looked up and saw a red-haired psycho sprinting around the table knocking random balls in random holes and shouting "Come On" and high-fiving the crowd. Understandably confused, I went to Google and searched "The Ginger Wizard." I WAS TAKEN HERE! Immediately I was told, "Be Prepared to be Amazed" while the site was simultaneously bumping some dope-ass house beats.

It turns out, the Ginger Wizard is really Dave Pearson, "the world's number one pool entertainer and the most exciting pool player the game has ever seen."

According to the afore mentioned website, "Dave is a marketing dream for any company’s corporate event. During events Dave will try to break world records and will perform his amazing trick shots that have to be seen to be believed. His humor has audiences in fits of laughter and his skill takes them to unbelievable levels." A marketing dream? Umm...come on. Not so much. Fits of laughter? Geez, I can only imagine - a ginger with a poolstick. Like I've never seen that before. This website is the greatest thing I have ever seen! According to his bio, "the next challenge for Dave was the 24 hour World record which he managed to run 16,499 balls in 24 hours, only resting a total of 35 minutes through this ordeal. I guess Dave attempted this record because his social life was not very good at the time." His social life was not very good at the time? Well, when your own biography is calling you a loser who can't get any ass, I think it is time to do something else. Time to put on the ole' button-up and brown belt and go out looking for some tail. I ask again, his social life was not very good at the time? Yeah, I bet it has improved drastically ever since that fateful record-breaking day.

Going even further, the website tels me "Dave is a unique individual. He brings together all the good qualities needed to make your night a memorable one." Noooo. Please. No. The night (ok, nights) I drank 11 Busch Lights and watched my brother play Everquest was more memorable than the one I will hypothetically never spend with Dave Pearson. And what exactly are the qualities needed for a memorable night? Strippers, cocaine, booze, and a wiffle ball bat. If he brings all of those things to the table, than maybe then and only then, just maybe, I will overlook the fact that he is a red-headed lunatic who makes a living running around a pool table, and I will think about spending a night with him. On second thought, nah. I'll stay home and watch FSU play UNC. Thanks for nothing Dave.

Watch his tricks here.

And read others testimonials here. Try not to laugh. I dare you.

Thanks For the Favre, Brett

The last throw of Brett Favre's career was his best. Thanks for a great career. Between the Vicodin, ill-advised throws, silly scrambles, and post-game interviews with a dip in your mouth, you still somehow managed to leave the game as one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time and more importantly, one of the greatest Americans ever.