Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Has Anyone Ever Been Less Deserving of a Bad-Ass Nickname than This Douche?

Photo Courtesy: RazorFine.com

Michael Sullo is a douche. Now I know why you never talked in school. I am officially taking back the nickname I once gave to you.

In a strange twist of fate that can only happen on nights when you frequent the worst of places, we just happened to run into one of the ridiculous names that we had mentioned previously in the night. There were many names being tossed around and bandied about, but this one was extra special. I mean this kid probably hasn't been thought of by anyone in years, let alone had an entire conversation based solely around him (except that one time when it was cold outside and I told Chapter H he had a nice Sullo face going on) and yet, there he is - only minutes after his name was mentioned for the first time in years...he appears like fucking Beetlejuice. And what an appearance it was. This might have been one of the most convincing signs of God's existance that I have experienced in my life, and boy, God must hate one of us.

Let me begin with his introduction. We are standing around talking to his rosy face for no more than ten seconds when Johnny Liberty mentions that he might have seen him at Home Depot a few days earlier.

JL: "Hey man were you at Home Depot a few days ago? I think I may have seen you looking for some power tools."

Han Sullo: "Oh yeah. I thought I might have seen you too, but then I looked and you looked like you were twelve years old so I didn't say anything [Giggle]."

Wait a second. He said, "I thought I might have seen you too, but then I looked and you looked like you were twelve years old," to a tall man with a slighly graying(sorry man) head of hair? BURN! For real? It took you twelve years to come up with that one? Seriously, you've had twelve years to sit quietly, face blushing like a school girl with a crush on her teacher, and that is the best you can come up with. Twelve years to come up with something to say and you bust out that gem? Weak, so weak.

Then Sullo proceeded to say that the rest of us look like we are fourteen, and any kind of comment directed at starting a conversation with him responded with the worst insults of all-time. Not even insults, just childish deflections. I mean he finally talked, and he talked a lot. Yet, everything that came out of his mouth made me yearn for the days when he sat in class like Helen Keller and rejected my heartfelt offers asking if he wanted a glass of "wa-wa."

A cruel twist of fate may have brought us together, the best stocking stuffer of all-time if you will. So here's to you Michael "Han" Sullo. Here's to being the biggest douche in a room full of douches. The only problem was I like all the other douches. Here's to hoping the trail from your backyard to the Rudy's parking lot lasts forever. I liked you better when you didn't talk. Merry Christmas douche.

* I apologize for the personal attack and assasination of this guy's character, but holy geez.

Friday, May 9, 2008

Editor's Note

So I took some time off to get my life together and some of you fruits have responded with anger. Take it easy. I'm fragile right now. Buzz Bissinger forced me to take a long, hard look at myself in the mirror. What I have come to realize is that although I have a big nose, I'd still fuck me.

The time off hasn't really helped much. I have already swung and missed (twice) and struck out (twice) more in one game than I did all of last season. I got a job working for a J.T. Marlin-like company and when I realized that this place was nothing more than a chop shop sports marketing firm, I began replacing the requisite business professional attire with my newly acquired Stone Cold Steve Austin vest, only no one seemed to care. They thought I was the best best employee ever. What they failed to realize was that I was simply showing up at work to make a complete mockery of everyone in the "office." I also tried to fuck my "boss" and to my surprise, she didn't seem to mind my advances. I didn't get the job done, but hey I tried. Anyway, I'm really going to try bring CPC back to relevancy. When A Tasty Pint is posting more frequently than you are, you have some serious problems.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Italy's Shattered Dreams

Today a stuntman in Italy crashed 007's Aston Martin head-on into another car while filming a chase scene for the new James Bond movie. Apparently, he was gravely injured. But that's nothing compared to the injuries these Italians suffered at the hands of God back in '86. Shattered dreams and shattered backboards.



MJ toys with their emotions, waving the ball in their dirty noses like its a slice of Neapolitan pizza topped with San Marzano tomatoes from the volcanic planes of Mount Vesuvius (I tried to find a Dennis Miller font for the previous sentence, but couldn't find one). Then he goes all Jerome Lane on the Fascists and straight sends it it. Thanks to The Big Lead for linking this video via Docksquad's Sports World.

Guess Who's Bizack?



"Guess who's bizack. You still smellin' crack in my clothes. Don't make me have to relapse on these hoes. I'm out here to grind mo' rapped up in the paper chase. I wanna fuck a fine hoe and Candy Paint the '88."

So what? You got a problem? I've been busy. Leave me the eff alone. DirectTV's Masters MegaMix and masters.org offering free online streams. The NHL playoffs starting and Sean Avery doin' work. Watching six baseball games at a time everyday. Gambling profusely. Watching the closing of the NBA season and the beginning of the playoffs. Chris Paul! Spring football. Catching bullpen sessions and sitting in the infield for another long, hot, and boring inning for the Pickles defense. Getting drunk and seeing what kind of dirty things these wildebeests will let me do to them. Getting a fade at the barber shop a la Johnny Starks '92. I might have even fell off the wagon and Rasheed Wallaced a few blunts in the past few weeks. And to top all of that off, apparently, I got arrested or something like that (That's not really me). What happens when all of this hits at the same time? Your blog suffers. And so do the readers. For that I apologize, but I'm still going to choose vajjggg over this shtuff every day of the week.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Sunday, April 6, 2008

gameCock Face Still Dreaming of Yesteryears

Photo Courtesy: OnlineAthens.com

Hey Spurrier, if I were you, I'd spend more time worrying about keeping your players on the field and out of jail and less time remembering your old glory days with Florida.

When asked about Georgia and LSU, Spurrier responded,“I told people that when I was at Florida, we beat both of them 11 out of 12.”

Really? I told Jimmy you're still a douche. Want some proof?



Meanwhile, Georgia played their annual G-Day Spring Game...

Red tops Black in low scoring scrimmage - Red and Black
Checking in from Georgia's Spring Scrimmage - SportingNews.com
UGA's spring game draws praise from coach - SportingNews.com
Caleb King dazzles crowd at G-Day - Atlanta Journal Constitution
Analyzing the Dogs after spring practice - Atlanta Journal Constitution
Notebook: Moore makes a strong case - Athens Banner Herald
Bulldogs offense shines at G-Day - Chattanooga Times Free Press

Here are the highlights. Please mute the video unless one of the Baha Men is actually reading this. In that case, you can listen to your terrible song while Caleb King spins out of tackles, Asher Allen sticks people in the open field, and Mike Moore hauls in a few TD's.

Friday, April 4, 2008

Every Now and Then a Wild Bird Attack Story Comes Along That is too Good to be True

Photo Courtesy: NoMaas.org

Unfucking believable. You remember your middle school field trips, right? Playing "The Nervous Game" on the bus. Throwing egg salad sandwiches at the white trash bus driver. Watching monkeys j' off at the zoo. We've all had our fair share of school-sponsored escapades. But nothing, and I mean nothing, can top this fucking story.

"A 13-year-old girl touring Fenway Park on a school trip was attacked by Curt Schilling's Everquest Character a resident red-tailed hawk that drew blood from her scalp Thursday."

The poor 13-year-old victim's name? ... Alexa Rodriguez. That's right. Alexa Rodriguez, of glove-slapping, "I got it" fame - purple lips and all. This smells of a Curt Schilling Everquest spell gone terribly wrong.

'Now back to the World Of Norrath. Schilling's EverQuest habit came to light after a 2001 game when his former Philadelphia Phillies teammate Doug Glanville hit two homers off of Schilling, who had just joined the Arizona Diamondbacks. Glanville explained to a writer for ESPN.com that the homers were payback for Schilling's role in the death of Bing-bong, Glanville's beloved, dwarven paladin. Glanville's tale: 'One day, Schill was playing his character, Cylc, and he asked me to team up with him in Faydwer, in the zone of the Butcherblock Mountains, to kill Aviaks, which are basically walking birds.' The pair encountered danger, according to Glanville, and Schilling ran away: 'I vowed revenge on the soul of Bingbong, for the negligent actions of Cylc." Hence the two homers.'

Oh. My. God.

Source: Hawk swoops from Fenway Park railing, attacks girl on school tour.

No really! I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried. Look for yourself.


Hawk1 Hawk2Hawk3




Photos via: AP.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Me'sa Pretty Good Pitcher. Dats Why You'sa Should Be Liken the Braves This Year

Braves pitcher Jair Jurrjens struck out five and gave up only two runs in 5 and 1/3 innings during last night's 10-2 Braves win over the Pirates. Here's to being the best pitcher on a staff that boasts two future Hall of Famers, an opening-day starter with the 5th best active and 20th best career winning percentage (.659), and another pitcher who is making $15 million to do pretty much nothing.

Today's Get Away Day Roundup

* White Sox 2 - Indians 1. W: Dotel (1-1) L: Westbrook (0-1) S: Jenks (1). HR - CHW: J. Crede (1), J. Uribe (1).

* Reds 3 - Diamonbacks 2. W: Cueto (1-0) L: Davis (0-1) S: Cordero (1). HR - ARI: J. Upton (1) - CIN: J. Keppinger (1).

* Royals 4 - Tigers 1. W: Greinke (1-0) L: Bonderman (0-1) S: Soria (2). HR - KAN: M. Teahen (1), A. Gordon (2) - DET: B. Inge (1).

* Angels 5 - Twins 4. W: Santana (1-0) L: Slowey (0-1) S: Rodriguez (2). HR - LAA: T. Hunter (1), G. Matthews Jr. (1), M. Napoli (2) - MIN: J. Kubel (1).

* Phillies 8 - Nationals 7. W: Condrey (1-0) L: Colome (0-1). HR - PHI: C. Coste (1).

* Cubs 6 - Brewers 3. W: Dempster (1-0) L: Bush (0-1) S: Wood (1). HR - CHC: A. Ramirez (1).

* Padres 3 - Astros 2. W: Gonzalez (1-0) L: Villareal (0-1) S: Hoffman (2). HR - SD: K. Kouzmanoff (1).

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

If You Ever Take a Trip Down to Cobb County, Georgia...



I didn't know Mike Boyce became a Cobb County police officer! Next time I see him, I'll have to ask what kind of sandwiches they serve in the Cobb County jail.

"You better read the signs, respect the Law and Order. He carries a big stick, a ball and chain too. You're lookin' for trouble, he'll be comin' after you."



R.I.P. Big Boss Weaver Ray Traylor. Keep standing tall and standing proud. Even is Heaven, you are indeed an Instrument of Justice. On the bright side, at least your gay brother is still roamin' around at the Bucket.

Aren't You Supposed to be Grrrrrrrrrreat?

Brian Bannister, Leo Nunez, and Joakim Soria just held the vaunted Tigers offense, or should I say Edgar Renteria, to three hits in a 4-0 victory. Renteria had all three of the Tigers hits, all singles. Placido Polanco struck out to end the game, starting his season 0-10 at the plate. Hey Tigers, you SUCK! Final: Royals 4 - Tigers 0. W: Bannister (1-0) L: Cheating Asshole Rogers (0-1)

Lunch Break? If Break Means That I'm Not Coming Back, Then Sure


KC Royals (Bannister) @ Detroit Tigers (Rogers) - Top 5th : No score through four innings. Kenny Rogers has only given up one hit while the Tigers have managed to collect only two hits off of Brian Bannister.

* Milwaukee Brewers (Suppan) @ Chicago Cubs (Lilly) - 2:20 pm : Some overpriced pitchers for your liking, but even better is Suppan batting 8th in front of Jason Kendall. Is Tony LaRussa managing the Brewers? Oh no, Jason Kendall is just fucking terrible. And we also have a Gabe Kapler sighting. I want to believe that the Brewers can win the NL Central, but with Gabe Kapler playing center, that seems doubtful. Why Mike Cameron? I know you have Adult ADD, but why must you snort Adderall.

* UEFA Champions League Soccer Quarterfinal: Arsenal vs. Liverpool - 2:30 pm : Tommy Smyth, "Ya-di-di-di-dee."

* Boston Red Sox (Lester) @ Oakland Athletics (Harden) - 3:05 pm : The first three games these teams have played have all been entertaining. Harden and Lester met last week in Japan, a 5-1 A's win. Harden went six innings, giving up only three hits, one being a Manny Ramirez solo home run, and striking out nine. John Lester had cancer. But he's aight now.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Today, I Consider Myself the Luckiest Man on the Face of the Earth

Photo Courtesy: Art.com

Yes sir! A-Rod is Good. No live-blogging for me today. I'll be watching this game Al Bundy style occasionally taking my hands out of my pants to waggle AS22's 33/30 Stealth in my hands a la Gary Sheffield. But if you're interested, follow the game live here.

7:30 pm
OK, so maybe I lied. Wang has broken three bats through 2+ innings and Frank Thomas is SLOW. and old.

7:35 pm
Jason Giambi just flipped the ball 40 feet to Jeter covering second on a slow-roller to first. Did I say Jeter? According to Paulie O, his name is Jete. Sorry. Giambi might not be able to throw, but he sure can pick it. Thanks Donnie.

7:45 pm
I love Rod Carew Robbie Cano. He can straight... And as much as I love Cano, George Posada <3's grounding into double plays even more.

7:50 pm
For those keeping track, that's one Jeter mini-Jump Hop on the season. Dreamy!
8:00 pm
And the first "inside-out" base hit for Jeter. There it is. And one caught stealing for my man Dastard whose argument is hilarious with the most worthless stats ever to back up his claim. Worst. Argument. Ever.

8:05 pm
This guy...
is a damn good defensive Center Fielder. Two ridiculous plays in the top of the 4th robbing the Jays of two extra-base hits. I love you Melky.

8:25 pm
Blue Jays take the lead on an RBI groundout from Shannon Stewart scoring Marco Scutaro. But Wang got a big strikeout on Alex Rios to end the top of the 5th. He's at 73 pitches. Blue Jays 2 - Yankees 1. Middle 5. Meanwhile in Florida, clown Pedro Martinez has given up home runs to Dan Uggla and Luis Gonzalez some other guy whose name has slipped my mind for some odd reason.

8:35 pm
Another broken bat induced by Wang to end the top half of the 6th. He is beginning to remind me of this manster...8:45 pm
Melky ties it up with a 320-foot home run to right. Send him to Minnesota.

1:20 am
Sorry. Wang ended up going seven strong, throwing only 92 pitches. In the bottom of the 7th, A-Rod led off with a single, followed by a Giambi walk. Robbie advanced the runners on a ground out and Halladay and the Jays opted to intentionally walk Posada to get to Matsui. Hideki hit a grounder to second which should have led to a double play, but Aaron Hill tried to backhand it and it hit off the heel of his glove. He shuffled it to Lil' Davy Eckstein for the force, but Alex scored to give the Yanks a 3-2 lead. Halladay struck out Melky to end the 7th. Joba in the 8th and Mo in the 9th. No Problems. John Sterling probably had something to say. Final: Yankees 3 - Blue Jays 2. W: Wang (1-0) L: Halladay (0-1) S: Rivera (1). HR - NYY: M. Cabrera (1).

And as I was typing this, Vin Scully and the Dodgers got a walk-off victory. With Rafael Furcal on second and two-out in the bottom of the 9th, Delwyn Young hit a ground ball in the hole at second. Ray Durham fielded, threw to first, but Young was safe. 1B Rich Aurilia immediately spun and threw home, but Furcal slid in safe to win. Gotta love some Vin Scully at 1:30 in the am.

1:30 am
The Mets lost to the Marlins 5-4 on a Robert Andino two-out walk-off home run, the first HR of his career, off Matt Wise in the bottom of the 10th. Petey Pedro started, giving up four runs in 3 and 1/3 innings before leaving with a strained hamstring. And in Oak-town, Dice-K, Okajima, and Johnny Fackin' Papelbon held the A's to three hits, one being a Travis Buck solo job, in a 2-1 victory. Papelbon came on and struck out the side in the bottom of the 9th. A win and two one-run losses for the A's against Boston so faahhhhhhhhhr, but no one can compete with the Sox.

Your Midweek Motto - D.W. Son

Monday, March 31, 2008

Here We Fuckin Go Again...Like A Hobo I Was Born to Walk Alone. It's Baseball Season Bitches


Oh my god. Oh my god. An' I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time. But here I go again, here I go again. And I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time. Here I go again on my own. Goin' down the only road I've ever known. Like a drifter I was born to walk alone. Cause I know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams.

1:45 pm
Toronto Blue Jays (Halladay) @ NY Yankees (Wang) - in a rain delay.

KC Royals (Meche) @ Detroit Tigers (Verlander) - 1-0 Tigers in the 2nd. RBI single up the middle from Edgar Renteria on a Gil Meche hanging curveball, plating Carlos Guillen.

1:50 pm
KC Royals (Meche) @ Detroit Tigers (Verlander) - 1-0 in the bottom of the 3rd. Royals CF David DeJesus is already out of the game replaced by one car-jumping Joey Gathright. Meche already has four K's. Magglio is 2-2 with a single and double and currently on second base with one out and Miguel Cabrera at the plate.

2:00 pm
KC Royals (Meche) @ Detroit Tigers (Verlander) - 2-out single through the right side from Carlos Guillen. The not-yet suspended Jose Gullien unleashed a cannon and threw Mags out at home to end the inning. Still 1-0 Tigers through three innings. Gil Meche's pitch count is already at 53 and Verlander has yet to give up a hit.

2:10 pm
KC Royals (Meche) @ Detroit Tigers (Verlander) - Billy Butler breaks up Verlander's no-hitter with a base hit by a diving Miguel Cabrera. But he got Mark Teahen to ground out to first to end the inning. Apparently, David DeJesus re-injured the ankle he originally twisted during spring training. Tigers 1-0.

2:20 pm
Arizona Diamondbacks (Webb) @ Cincinnati Reds (Harang) - in a rain delay.

Milwaukee Brewers (Sheets) @ Chicago Cubs (Zambrano) - also in a rain delay.

2:25 pm
KC Royals (Meche) @ Detroit Tigers (Verlander) - With 2 out, the bases loaded and an 0-2 count, Sheffield takes four straight balls to score Pudge. Meche then got Magglio to fly out to right, stranding three runners. He's at 84 pitches through four. Tigers 2-0.

2:30 pm
Toronto Blue Jays (Halladay) @ NY Yankees (Wang) - game PPD. Game rescheduled for 7:05 pm tomorrow night. God damnit. I can't wait any longer.

2:35pm
KC Royals (Meche) @ Detroit Tigers (Verlander) - Verlander retired Ross Gload, John Buck, and Tony Pena Jr. in order, striking out Buck and Pena. He has six K's on 71 pitches through five innings. Still 2-0 Tigers.

2:40pm
KC Royals (Meche) @ Detroit Tigers (Verlander) - Miguel Cabrera leads off the 5th with a blast on a hanging off-speed pitch. He also is currently rocking a Hispanic Kid n' Play haircut. It can be seen here. MVP? Tigers 3-0.

2:50pm
KC Royals (Meche) @ Detroit Tigers (Verlander)
After a Gathright groundout and Grundlesack single, George Brett Alex Gordon hit a 2-run bomb to right. Butler and Jose Guillen then flied out to complete the top half of the 6th. Tigers 3 - Royals 2.

3:00pm
KC Royals (Meche) @ Detroit Tigers (Verlander) - Meche retired the Tigers in order. 99 pitches through six. He may be done.

Arizona Diamondbacks (Webb) @ Cincinnati Reds (Harang) - About to start.

Milwaukee Brewers (Sheets) @ Chicago Cubs (Zambrano) - About to start.

Chicago White Sox (Buehrle) @ Cleveland Indians (Sabathia) - 3:05 pm start

Washington Nationals (Chico) @ Philadelphia Phillies (Wife-Beating Myers) - 3:05 pm start

Tampa Bay Rays (Shields) @ Baltimore Orioles (Guthrie) - 3:05 pm start.

3:10pm
KC Royals (Meche) @ Detroit Tigers (Grilli) - Verlander walked Teahen to start the inning. Gload singled him to third. And he was pulled for Jason Grilli. John Buck singled in Teahen. Nobody out. Tigers 3 - Royals 3.

Milwaukee Brewers (Sheets) @ Chicago Cubs (Zambrano) - Zambrano struck out Rickie Weeks on three pitches. Tony Gwynn Jr. with a one-out single and stolen base. Two-outs, Gwynn on second.

3:20pm
Chicago White Sox (Buehrle) @ Cleveland Indians (Sabathia) - After a one-out walk to Orlando Cabrera, Jim Thome hit a homerun off Sabathia. CCy then struck out Paul Konerko and Jermaine Dye to end the top of the 1st. White Sox 2-0.

KC Royals (Tomko) @ Detroit Tigers (Lopez) - Bobby Seay replaced Grilli and got Gathright to line out to short, then was replaced by Aquilino Lopez. Grundlesack singled home Gload before Lopez got Gordon to fly out. Brett Tomko, wait...Brett Tomko is now in to pitch for KC against Sheff, Mags, and Cabrera. Yikes! Royals 4 - Tigers 3.

Washington Nationals (Chico) @ Philadelphia Phillies (Wife-Beating Myers) - Small ball for the Phills. MVP Rollins with a lead-off double. Shane Victorino sac bunt. Chase Utley sac fly. Ryan Howard ground out. Phillies 1-0 after one.

3:30pm
Tampa Bay Rays (Shields) @ Baltimore Orioles (Guthrie) - With future-Cub Brian Roberts and Nick Markakis on base and one out, Carl Crawford misplayed a deep Kowboy Kevin Millar fly ball. Two runs scored. Orioles 2-0 through the 1st.

Arizona Diamondbacks (Webb) @ Cincinnati Reds (Harang) - Orlando Hudson scored on a Conner Jackson single. D-Bags 1-0 through one.

3:40pm
Chicago White Sox (Buehrle) @ Cleveland Indians (Sabathia) - Indians start off the bottom of the 2nd single, single, single, bases-loaded fielder's choice to score Victor Martinez. Followed by a Franklin Gutierrez 3-run jack. Grady Sizemore also hit a solo job and the Tribe has batted around in the 2nd. Buehrle sucks. Indians 5 - White Sox 2.

3:45pm
KC Royals (Tomko) @ Detroit Tigers (Jones) - Carlos Guillen homered off Tomko to lead off the bottom of the 8th. Todd Jones is now in to pitch the 9th for Detroit. Tigers 4 - Royals 4.

3:50pm
Arizona Diamondbacks (Webb) @ Cincinnati Reds (Harang) - Chris Young and Eric Byrnes homered off Harang in the 3rd. D-Bags 3-0.

Chicago White Sox (Masset) @ Cleveland Indians (Sabathia) - Buehrle out, Indians still batting. Tribe 7 - Sox 2.

Tampa Bay Rays (Shields) @ Baltimore Orioles (Guthrie) - Rays get three runs in the 3rd. Rays 3 - Orioles 2.

Milwaukee Brewers (Sheets) @ Chicago Cubs (Zambrano) - Back in a rain delay after Zambrano struck out to lead off the top of the 3rd. Each team with 1 hit. No score.

4:45pm
KC Royals (Soria) @ Detroit Tigers (Bautista) - With Denny Bautista on the mound for his second inning of work, Mark Teahen led off the top of the 11th with a walk. Gload then "sac"ked him over. John Buck singled up the middle and new "Center Fielder" Brandon Inge gunned Teahen out at home with Buck advancing to second on the throw. However, Tony Pena followed that with a huge two-out single to plate Buck and give the Royals the lead. Royals closer Joakim Soria came on to pitch the bottom half of the 11th and after a lead-off double by Clete Thomas and a sac bunt by Brandon Inge, Soria struck out Renteria. With two down Polanco ripped one down to third where Alex Gordon made a beautiful game-saving diving stop to rob Polanco of the tying hit. Final: Royals 5 - Tigers 4. W: Nunez (1-0) L: Bautista (0-1) S: Soria (1). HR - KAN: A. Gordon (1) DET: C. Guillen (1), M. Cabrera (1)

And I'm spent.

Bravo! Say Hello to Your First Place Trashionals

Photo Courtesy: AP - Pablo Martinez Monsivais

Ryan Zimmerman. Walk. Off. Washington Cast-Offs victorious. Aren't you glad that everyone is picking you to represent the NL in the Word Series, Bravos? Say hello to the cellar. I'm sure the Marlins will enjoy not being there for a day or two. I know for a fact that this Expos Nats fan is happy.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

My God. Why Did Wisconsin Lose the Other Night? Glad You Asked

Stephen Curry? Getting outscored by 17 in the second half? 12 turnovers to Davidson's 5? No, no, and no.



That is Wisconsin basketball coach Bo Ryan. Apparently Bo is both a pimp and an accomplished dancer. I have a sneaking suspicion that he may also be black. Not only did he perfect and crank the Soulja Boy, but he also is an expert at the old plantation schoolyard classic the Hambone aka the Juba Dance. Inform yourself.

Seriously though, the stellar careers of Wisconsin seniors Michael Flowers, Brian Butch, and Greg Stiemsma are over. Truth be told, they had a pretty good run. And Bo is not only a pretty entertaining guy, but also a damn good basketball coach with a great defensive mind. He has taught me how to defend down screens and how to prevent low-post entry passes. Thanks, Bo. Keep hiding behind that JabbaWockeeZ mask and no one will ever suspect a thing.

What UNC and UCLA Won? God Damn Bigfoot Ruined My Weekend and This Poor 'Tards Life


While you guys were probably watching Davidson beat Wisconsin, and UCLA and Carolina advance to the Final Four, I was busy...getting busy. Gene Morrill can relate. This guy who may or may not been the star of Life Goes On, was arrested on molestation charges after trying to solicit young boys, most likely in an AOL 4.0 Private Chat Room...But wait, he has a legitimate excuse! During his own childhood, he was molested by a sick, dirty man...bipedal hominid. He claims he was molested by Bigfoot. Yes, he says Bigfoot stuck his Gigantopithecus blacki inside of him. I guess they are going to have to change the mascot for the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver. We can't have a mysterious Nordic-Jumping molester who dreams of one day becoming the next Patrick Roy representing our greatest Winter Sports, whatever they may be.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Time to Bust Out the Black Socks

Photo Courtesy: AP - 1991

The Sweet Sixteen kicks off today and Chris Webber has officially retired. And then there was one...One Shining Moment.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

The David Lee Game as Told by Gus Johnson



I know that was awesome, but damn Gus. Damn. December 21, 2006. Double Overtime and David Lee somehow breaks the Trent Tucker Rule thanks to a tip-in with 00.1 second on the clock. But the real story is Gus Friggin' Johnson literally losing his shit. He sounded like me when I saw this...



Gotta love the NBA continuation. If you want more, here is the whole story on that play.

Get Your Duck Sauce Ready...It's Baseball for Breakfast

Photo Courtesy: Wikipedia

So the baseball season is officially underway this morning as Dice-K and the Sox take on Joe Blanton and the Athletics. I am awake with StatTracker up and running, eating my Cinnamon Life and drinking a Busch at "some girls" house. I just did the old "crack the can open as quietly as possible" trick. To be honest, I am actually kind of scared she may wake up and wonder what I am doing in her living room wearing knee-high socks and eyeblack with all of the lights turned off at 5:30 am. But if she's gotz a problem, I got five solutions...across her eye. (By the way, other than the eyeblack that is all completely true). Let's go Oakland. Little Jap girls and Jap boys have skipped Shogakko to see Nancy Drew strikeout twice and ground into a rally-killing double play. Emil Brown is goin' 2-4 with 3 RBI, putting the Yankees in first place where they will reside for the remainder of the glorious '08 season. And of course, I have to listen to god damn Steve Phillips. Thanks ESPN, thanks. Oh, baseball. How I missed you. If this morning wood lasts longer than four hours, I ain't callin' the doctor. I hope it never goes away. Here we go A's.

Update: J.D. Drew was scratched from the lineup because his back was acting up. Let's see...it's 6:10 a.m., the baseball season has been underway for 30 seconds, and J.D. Drew is already injured. HaHaHa. I guess those kids who skipped school to see him ground into an inning-ending DP will have to settle for a Papi bomb. March 25 - 6:10 am

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

If You Want Your Students to Like You, Let Them Watch the Damn NCAA Tournament During Class


While some of you may prefer to watch five guys dance on roller skates while Albert Clifford Slater watches intently, it's time for the rest of us to plan out our weekend which starts Thursday at noon.

Now that the entire tournament is offered online, college students don't have to skip class to watch Thursday and Friday's (well let's be honest, if you have Friday classes you are either a dork or don't go anyway) games. But c'mon, most students will still skip class. And now high-school coaches can show one game on the class TV and the other games on their computer while secretly housing the kids who are skipping Ms. Bitchass's Enlgish and Mr. DeeBag's US History class.

I have been surveying the intraweb reading some stuff...

* Here is the official TV schedule with announcers included. The tourney starts off with Georgia and Xavier on one TV, and a 12-5 match-up being called by one Gus Johnson on the other TV. Looks like I'll be listening to two games at once.

* This website has all the shit you want to know about the tournament.

* Here are capsules for each game. Washington St. is 10-7 against teams in the NCAA field. That's a lot of games and a pretty good record.

* This guy is rooting for Belmont because he doesn't really like Duke all that much, and has some nice things to say about Coach K and Duke Point Guards.

* Deadspin previews the Georgia - Xavier game, referring to Dave Bliss as a "doofy tall white guy."



That's what it's all aboutz. No video needed. 'Nuff said.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Goodbye Dodgertown

Photo Courtesy: Reuters - Hans Deryk

So the Dodgers are moving their Spring home to Arizona and people are sad. Apparently historic Dodgertown in Vero Beach, Florida, is full of rich memories. But really, I just wanted an excuse to let you listen to some Tommy Lasorda. Did you hear that? He farted. Boy, do we love us some of this guy.

I Love Speed


And this guy is FAST. (Thanks to Throwing Into Traffic)



That's former ECU Running Back and NFL Combine star Chris Johnson. Sure, he's not in his Timberlands and sweats like this guy...



Ryuuuuken. Nevertheless, he is still the fastest mothereffer I have seen since this crew. He runs a GPA in the 40. Good luck catching this guy in open space. NFL Defensive Backs beware, there is no good angle to take on Chris Johnson.

Georgia is Better Than the Houston Rockets

Photo Courtesy: AP - Bill Haber

Dennis Felton talks about winning the SEC Championship and playing Xavier.

...and in Georgia football news, LB Marcus Washington will undergo shoulder surgery and is most likely out for the season. Time to man up Dewberry.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Bill Buckner is a Huge Fan of the TV Series "Life Goes On"


Let's start the damn season already. I read something I wrote a few years back and it made me laugh. Here it is...

"This article begins with me stating my allegiance: I am a Yankees fan and I hope you have a problem with that. Your problems make me feel better about myself. Similar to many Yankee fans, I can’t stand being awake and/or alive after a Yankee loss and after a victory I feel like a million bucks. The effect that the Yanks results has on my soul can only be described as lunacy and can only be rivaled by the psychosis that Red Sox fans also possess. However, people are always complaining about my love for the Yankees. I often hear the quote, “Rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for the house in blackjack.” I heard this even more during the Playoffs That We Do Not Speak Of, when Braves, Rangers, Orioles, Giants, etc. fans were rooting for the self-proclaimed dumbass Red Sox.

Despite the fact that I am still not over the Playoffs That We Do Not Speak Of and things may never be the same, I was never really bothered by the comment, “Rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for the house,” because I expect and hope that you hate the Yankees. “Eff you,” I say, “We win and you suck.” However, the more I thought about that stupid rooting for the house comment and how everyone was and still is rooting for the Red Sox, the harder it became for me to understand how you could actually root for the Red Sox. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not saying anything about real Sox fans rooting for their team, but I decided that if I was not only going to have to listen to that idiotic rooting for the house comment, but also watch the idiotic Red Sox play against the Yankees 19+ times a season, that I had to come up with my own stupid quote also. [note: This is about to become an angry and perhaps offensive rant].

Not only did I make myself laugh, but this was I swear to god the first thing I though of.

Me (thinking to myself): “If rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for the house, then rooting for the Red Sox is like rooting for…(thinking for a total of about 3 seconds)…

“Rooting for the Red Sox is like rooting for a retarded child.” And I am not talking about rooting for some retarded kid who is your friend’s nephew to get a silver medal in the Special Olympics; I am talking about sitting in the waiting room before your first child’s birth and rooting that a retard pops out. Or even worse like saying to your wife when she is 6 months pregnant, “Do you think you could drink a little bit more and maybe smoke this rock of crack/cocaine that I just spent $30 on and don’t want to waste, because I really, really want to have a retarded child. Girl, boy…I don’t care as long as it is really fucking stupid, hard to deal with, and funny to look at after I come home from a hard day’s work.” That is the Red Sox in a nutshell: really fucking stupid, hard to deal with, and funny to look at after I come home from a hard day’s work, but at times rewarding when they do something remotely good.

I am not exactly sure how politically correct that is. I actually thought that I might have matured out of making such derogatory comments, but since I have been making fun of retards my entire life I could care less – hell is already awaiting my impending death. Let me say it again, “Rooting for the current Red Sox team is like rooting for a retarded child.” Is this not the Gods honest truth? And I do not just mean this seasons team; I am talking about the team for the previous few seasons. These guys are hilarious and by hilarious I obviously mean a disgrace. Now I may be a little biased and may be a little upset about that whole Playoffs That We Do Not Speak Of thing, but come on you have to agree with me somewhat. Now don’t get me wrong – I know and understand that they are a good baseball team with a great deal of talent, but Jesus Christ! [note: I could make a Johnny Damon joke, but since that was unintentional I will refrain].

I could go through and say something about every damn player on the roster, but I think that I will save that for part two…and the fact that if I did that I could not even comment on Abe Alvarez’s stupid hat and face, the stupid first names of all the Red Sox prospects such as Hanley, Anibal, and Cla – is that pronounced Claaaaaaaaa, like when you open your mouth at the dentist (although they may not be as bad as recent Yankee call up Melky), or Gabe Kapler’s trip to Japan, because they are not even on the roster.

The funny part is that when Millar was coming up with nicknames for the team as a whole – Cowboys, Dirtballs, Idiots, (he missed Clowns, but I think that was rhetorical) – he actually wasn’t that far off. In fact, maybe before the 2005 playoffs he will come right out and say it, “We’re a bunch of Fucking Retards.” That is if he isn’t traded in a few days so C-3POlerud’s helmet can play first.

Coming Soon: Part Two
1. A rundown of every player and his own retarded bio.
2. Answers to questions such as, “Why can’t Manny Ramirez speak English if he has lived in the United States for 25 years?” and even more puzzling, “Why can’t Johnny Damon either?” and “Is Bellhorn’s jewfro actually just taped onto his hat like a Halloween costume?” and “How to correctly pronounce Mueller?”
3. A contest of who can come closest without going over in guessing how many loads have been blown on Trot Nixon’s hat.
4. Revealing Secrets: The truth as to how much money Dale Sveum has to pay John Henry and Larry Luchino to remain the third base coach."



I'm guessing this song was a huge hit after last year's World Series. Why Sweet Caroline? Ohh, Sweet Corky Thatcher [wohh ohh ohh], good times never seemed so good [so good, so good, so good]. This is so much better.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Filth

What's that? A beautiful day, Vin Scully, a sick 12-6 curve, and a Red Sox player getting rung to end an inning = the greatest video ever. Personally, I would have been sitting on a breaking pitch with a 1-2 count and ripped it through the hole between short and third, but I mean damn, Clayton Kershaw just made Sean Casey look silly.



Update: This video has been removed by MLB. However, Kershaw's curveball can be seen here. This video is of terrible quality and is announced by Sean McDonough who is no Vin Scully. But still at the 3:49 mark, Kershaw unleashes the filth. March 25 - 12:05 pm

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Hell Yeah. It's Fishin' Season


So crack open a gold-top and go catch ya' a large mouth. Whether you prefer a Daredevle spoon, a crankbait, or the classic plastic worm, you better have plenty of Busch Beers at your disposal. Gold-top, Silver-top, Camoflauge, or Busch Ice...Don't matter, it's all delicious - a delectable treat preserved for only the greatest of men, true Americans.

So do yourself a favor and head for the mountains...



Find me a friggin' horse. I'm buying a horse. Right. Now. And goin ridin'...hhhwasted.

Or start a fire. Don't be alarmed, however. I'll be there to save the day. Just gimme a second to crack open a Silver-top before I slide down the pole and head out alongside some other great American heroes...Firefighters.

I Was Going To Graduate This Semester, but Then I Failed Film Class...and Life - We Failed at That Too

I know I almost failed "Music, Society, and Culture" my senior year, but holy geez.



"Smith sending in Obrzut, Pick and Rollin like we drew it!!! Pass the ball to Crawford, and get the Slam Dunk!!!!" Wow, you spit hot fire.

Lazy Tuesday?...more like Lazy Schoolwork. No I will not make out with you. Did ya hear that? This girl wants to make out with me in the middle of class. You got Kentucky Basketball Kids up there talking about God knows what and all she can talk about is making out with me. I'm here to learn, everybody, not to make out with you. Go on with the Kentucky Bas-KITT-ball.

Friday, March 7, 2008

Tim Floyd, Is There No Limit? This Story Makes Me Say Ugghhh


Finding a replacement for OJ Mayo. No problem. Just holler at Master P if you hear him. He's got the hook up. Lil' Romeo's best friend is the No. 5 ranked basketball prospect and top-ranked small forward in the country. And Lil' Romeo wants to go to USC's prestigious film school. Oh...and he wants to ball too. On scholarship. Even though he is not that good. And has a bum knee. What's that Tim Floyd? You are actually recruiting me? An offer? Well no one else was dumb enough...I mean, sure. It was that easy? So, your walk-ons aren't going to get mad or anything are they? Sorry John Bender. Looks like you'll have to wait another year. But hey, keep up the hustle in practice. We need you on scout team, giving your blood and sweat every day, getting abused by Mayo and Taj Gibson - helping them become NBA lottery picks. So what you have to pay $44,000 a year when your family only makes $60,000.

Tajuan Porter and Darren Collison, you guys better watch out. Lil' Romeo is so gonna shut you down next year. Oh, he's not going to play? Wait, so why...why is he getting a scholarship? "We may have more 11- to 17-year-old girls in the stands than we've had in the past," said Floyd. Ohh, I get it. But you like them that young, Mr. Floyd? I mean 17, sure, but come on?

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Election '08

McCain, Obama, Hil? Fuck no. Only one man deserves your vote this November. This man...



Greatest speech EVER. In the history of Mankind - that word should have new meaning for all of us today. MLK, JFK, FDR, and even Reagan are all jealous. and dead. Vote Thomas J. Whitmore - President 2008. He belongs in the air.

Make Sure to Set Your Tivo - It's Going to be So Wizard

In case you missed it, read this. 5:00 p.m. Eastern standard. Today...Thursday, March 6th. ESPN2 - Ginger Wizard in the 2007 Speed Pools Finals. Please watch. If you are not going to be home, please do yourself a favor and Tivo or DVR it. If you do not have this technology, dust off the VCR and record over some old WCW Nitro VHS's or Aersosmith videos starring Alicia Silverstone. If you can't do that, then you can come over my house and watch it this weekend. I'm having a cookout, I promise. No gingers allowed. Damn, I got you. You just got straight Rick Rolled.



Hahahaha...DORK!

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

All Eyes on Big Game Tonight in Boston


The two best teams in the NBA face off tonight in Boston, Mass., sans parquet. The Celtics will become the first team to clinch a playoff birth with a win tonight over the Detroit Pistons. Newly acquired Sam Cassell will not suit up for the Celts, but Theo Ratliff, signed by Detroit on Tuesday, may play. And contribute nothing.

Prediction: 'Sheed drains at least five 3-pointers, Bill Laimbeer punches Eddie House in the face, Brian Scalabrine misses the only shot he takes, and the Pistons steal one on the road. Detroit 90 - Boston Sucks 87.

7:30 p.m. Eastern start time. Follow the game live here. Or buy NBA League Pass.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

If I Liked Dudes...I'm Just Saying


Here is a great article on my BFF Robbie Cano. And just so my other boyfriend doesn't get jealous, here you are Hanley. And Gibril you can take your money and run because, "I still don't have the reason. And you don't have the time. And it really makes me wonder if I ever gave a fuck about you." JK. I still <3 U! Good luck in Oakland.

And if you have ever wondered what a conversation between Kurt Warner and Jon Kitna would sound like, Kissing Suzy Kolber has supplied the answer. It is hilarious!

The Ginger Wizard...Seriously? This Guy Once Again Proves That Red Hair = Automatic Dork


So I am watching ESPN2, listening to Tommy Smythe "yai-de-de-yai" about Arsenal knocking AC Milan out of the UEFA Champions League Round of 16, when the "2007 International Speed Pool Challenge: First Semifinal" comes on. Some guy with the grossest Hispanic mullet ever was playing and I was falling asleep until I heard the name of his opponent, "The Ginger Wizard." I looked up and saw a red-haired psycho sprinting around the table knocking random balls in random holes and shouting "Come On" and high-fiving the crowd. Understandably confused, I went to Google and searched "The Ginger Wizard." I WAS TAKEN HERE! Immediately I was told, "Be Prepared to be Amazed" while the site was simultaneously bumping some dope-ass house beats.

It turns out, the Ginger Wizard is really Dave Pearson, "the world's number one pool entertainer and the most exciting pool player the game has ever seen."

According to the afore mentioned website, "Dave is a marketing dream for any company’s corporate event. During events Dave will try to break world records and will perform his amazing trick shots that have to be seen to be believed. His humor has audiences in fits of laughter and his skill takes them to unbelievable levels." A marketing dream? Umm...come on. Not so much. Fits of laughter? Geez, I can only imagine - a ginger with a poolstick. Like I've never seen that before. This website is the greatest thing I have ever seen! According to his bio, "the next challenge for Dave was the 24 hour World record which he managed to run 16,499 balls in 24 hours, only resting a total of 35 minutes through this ordeal. I guess Dave attempted this record because his social life was not very good at the time." His social life was not very good at the time? Well, when your own biography is calling you a loser who can't get any ass, I think it is time to do something else. Time to put on the ole' button-up and brown belt and go out looking for some tail. I ask again, his social life was not very good at the time? Yeah, I bet it has improved drastically ever since that fateful record-breaking day.

Going even further, the website tels me "Dave is a unique individual. He brings together all the good qualities needed to make your night a memorable one." Noooo. Please. No. The night (ok, nights) I drank 11 Busch Lights and watched my brother play Everquest was more memorable than the one I will hypothetically never spend with Dave Pearson. And what exactly are the qualities needed for a memorable night? Strippers, cocaine, booze, and a wiffle ball bat. If he brings all of those things to the table, than maybe then and only then, just maybe, I will overlook the fact that he is a red-headed lunatic who makes a living running around a pool table, and I will think about spending a night with him. On second thought, nah. I'll stay home and watch FSU play UNC. Thanks for nothing Dave.

Watch his tricks here.

And read others testimonials here. Try not to laugh. I dare you.

Thanks For the Favre, Brett


The last throw of Brett Favre's career was his best. Thanks for a great career. Between the Vicodin, ill-advised throws, silly scrambles, and post-game interviews with a dip in your mouth, you still somehow managed to leave the game as one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time and more importantly, one of the greatest Americans ever.

Friday, February 29, 2008

Say It Ain't So...The Gibril Wilson Sweepstakes Begins Today. And Jeff Garcia Has a New "Partner"


Today is the first day for NFL teams to sign free agents and Gibril Wilson is currently taking calls from potential suitors. The NY Post claims the Giants are preparing for Wilson's departure. We here at CPC would be devastated if Gibril goes elsewhere. Here is what else has happened so far.

* After the Jets granted Jonathan Vilma the right to seek a trade to anyone but the Patriots, the Saints pounced and traded an undisclosed draft pick for the former Pro-Bowl linebacker.

* Jerry Porter finally walked the plank and got the hell out of Oak-town signing a six-year, $30 million contract with Jacksonville. The Jaguars also swapped a sixth round draft pick with the Vikings in exchange for speedy receiver Troy Williamson.

* The Bills signed LB Kawika Mitchell fresh off a Super Bowl season with the Giants. Candy Painted Cadillacs and Giants fans everywhere wish you the best of luck. Lots of late-night bowling and ugly girls up there in Buffalo.

* The Cleveland Browns re-signed Derek Anderson to a three-year deal worth between $24 million to $26 million. I guess Brady Quinn will continue to have plenty of time to make terrible commercials and go out and get in drunken confrontations with the gays of Columbus.

* The Bengals must miss Bid Daddy Dan Wilkinson because they traded a third and a fifth-round pick to acquire 340 pound raw-meat eating Shaun Rogers from the Lions. They also reached a three-year agreement with linebacker and bow-tie enthusiast Dhani Jones.

* A kicker retired. Hey Morten Anderson, did you hear that? A kicker retired.

* The Falcons re-signed...hahahaha...re-signed Chris Redman. Hahahahaha. DJ Shockley threw a party when he heard this news.

* Tedy Bruschi's heart, or what's still left of it, is still in New England and he decided to sign a multiyear contract with the Pats.

* The Bucs made former Saint Jeff Faine the highest paid Center in football. Does he know who their quarterback is? Faine is praying the Bucs will run a 90% shotgun orientated offense. Do you really want Jeff Garcia's hands on your junk 75 times every Sunday? And what about practice? Garcia usually asks to take extra snaps after everyone else has left the practice field, so beware Faine. Guard your Faint. Guard your Faint.

* Asante Samuel visited with the last-place Eagles. Santa Claus immediately called and warned Asante he had better be worth the $10 million a year that he is asking for.

David Eckstein Primed for Huge Season


A woman in Kentucky gave birth to a baby. No big deal, right? Well, it turns out the baby is already as big as her mother. Hwaaaahhh? You may be confused, but don't worry. If David Eckstein can win a World Series MVP, anything is possible. This friggin' guy is a two-time All-Star, a two-time World Series champion, and finished 11th in the 2002 AL MVP voting. So it is no surprise that a 28 1/2 inch woman who cruises around all day in a tricked-out Hoveround birthed a comparatively giant baby. Watch the video.

Eddie Gaedel rolled over in his grave and came storming through Kevin Costner's cornfield when he heard this story. I mean, wouldn't you feel slighted if they chose Moonlight Graham to be the focal point of an American movie classic instead of you. At least Eddie has a 1.000 OBP. What the fuck did Archie Graham ever do? Stand on deck with a donut on his bat? Wow! 3 foot 7 and full of fury, Eddie Gaedel killed Ray Kinsella, his whiny daughter, and their imaginary friends while they slept quietly in their rural Iowa home.

I know I already have Hanley Ramirez, but eff it. I'm taking David Eckstein with the first pick in my fantasy draft because God has shown me that 2008 is the year of the little people.

Friday's Lunch Special...Cadillac Pimpin'


Gotta keep the sponsors happy.



Thursday, February 28, 2008

Time For You To Break Up With Your Girlfriend


With actual baseball games being played and conference tournaments nearing, I think it's only fair to tell your girlfriend to go away for a while. Unless you are a Pirates or Orioles fan. In that case, you will already be 10 games out in May and it's probably a good idea to keep her and her crumpin' ass around. For the rest of you, don't worry. She'll still stop by and annoy you here and there and she'll still send a late night booty text a few times a week. And trust Randy Velarde when he says there is nothing better than hooking up with a girl while listening to Vin Scully at 1 a.m.

"All year long she looked to him to light the fire and all year long he answered the demands. High fly ball into right field. She is gone! In a year that has been so improbable, the impossible has happened."

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

That Didn't Last Long


Like a virgin boy on prom night. Or Bruce Pearl on a party boat. "You know I thug 'em, fuck 'em, love 'em, leave 'em cause I don't fuckin' need 'em." We doin Big Pimpin' up in Tennessee. Vandy whites out No. 1 Tennessee, 72-69.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Roger Clemens is a Not a Manimal

Is this the photo from Canseco's party?

Source: Clemens Mum on Steroids at Astros' Camp

"KISSIMMEE, Fla. (AP) — Roger Clemens arrived at the Houston Astros' minor league clubhouse on Tuesday and walked straight to a fenced-in bullpen to greet his oldest son, Koby, a catcher in the Astros' system.

He snapped at a photographer who started clicking pictures.

"This isn't a zoo!" Clemens barked."

Good job writer. Clemens claims he is not a zoo animal and then you describe the area he walked into as a fenced-in bullpen. Ok. And then when he spoke, he didn't exclaim, assert, or declare, he barked. He growled. He woofed. He bellowed. He quacked. He cawed. He chirped. He squawked. He baaaaed. He gobbled. He moooed. He cuckooed.

And you "wrote" this article. Good work pal. Maybe your next article should be about how Clemens gets his work ethic from his "MaMa" and how much he loves Twizzlers.



Update: Deadspin keeps stealing my stuff! February 27 - 12:00 pm

Monday, February 25, 2008

Who's Bad?


I am. Yes, sir. Me Strong. Bad. Man.



and Fast.



Real. Fast. in Game. Forcefield.

This is My Senior Night...Let's Get it Onnnnn

Photo Courtesy: UTsports.com

Oh, Knox-Vegas. You have given us some of the greatest treats on Earth. Super Bowl Champions like Gibril Wilson and commercial whore Peyton Manning. My older brother Chad Pennington. Country music phenom Kenny Chesney. The woman of my dreams, Pat Summitt. Famous hillbillies Homer and Jethro. World Series of Poker champion Chris Moneymaker. The fastest man on the planet, Justin Gatlin. Great Knicks, Allan Houston and Bernard King. Potential Hall of Fame first-basemen like Todd Helton and old-school racists like Reggie White. The two greatest wrestlers of all time, "Double J" Jeff Jarrett and Big Daddy Cool Diesel, Kevin Nash. America's greatest author Kurt Vonnegut. Al Gore Sr. and Dr. Jerry Punch. You gave us Johnny Knoxville and Randy Orton. You gave us Dave Thomas, founder of the greatest fast food restaurant on the planet. Quentin Tarantino and all of his brilliance. You even gave us wrestling manager Mr. Fuji. So I never, never thought you could outdo yourself. But then I saw something even I couldn't believe...

With the national stage all to yourselves after a week of hype, you beat Memphis in a thriller Saturday night. Now you are the #1 college basketball team in the nation. That's great. No more talk about Calipari and an undefeated season. Now we can focus on the important things - things like UT backup-guard Jordan Howell. 5.4 ppg and full of soul. How you have managed to once again outdo yourself is beyond me. Here's to the world's greatest city...Knoxville - or Knoxvullll if you are a local. It makes oh so much sense that you also invented the Dumpster!



It's crazy how good he is. It's only fitting that he plays his instrument while sitting on a bench because that is where he has spent the past four years. If the spirit moves, then let me groove. Let your love come dooowwwn. Let me do what I wanna do. All I wanna do is drain this three on you. So let me do what I wanna do. All I wanna do is be your substitute. Gimme good feelings. Well played sir, well played.

NB Hey, Heeeeeeeeyyy...Much to My Brother's Dismay, I'm Coming Out of the Closet, the Closet

"You are a bad boy. Yes you are!"

I am not sure if this is the appropriate way to do this. I'm sorry you had to find out like this, I really am. I know you may be disappointed to hear this after all of these years brah, but I'm 24 years old and I think now is the right time for you to know. I'm sick of hiding from everyone. I'm sick of changing the channel when someone walks in the room. I'm sick of waiting for the 3 a.m. replays. I'm sick of DVR-ing Chuck, Jet, and Ernie and then deleting it before anyone sees it on the "My Recordings" list. I'm sick of having to go to girls houses because you would rather watch old Family Fued episodes. When you are around, I'm scared to even move over to the secondary / NES TV with my closet love. And now that Choose Your Own Adventure or Lost or whatever that stupid show is, comes on Thursday nights at the same time, I will no longer be home for Thursday Family Night at the Ivy's.

I love the NBA! There, I said it. What? You got an effin' problem? I don't care. I'll move to Massachusetts, where my love is legal, if I have to. How do you feel about that? You don't know what it feels like to have to constantly carry this weight...this burden on my shoulders, constantly looking over my back, checking to make sure no one is around. I'm sick of having to put on fake clothes when I leave the house and having to wait until I get to top of the driveway to change into my Ron Artest jersey .

You should have seen this coming. All of the telltale signs were there. You should have been suspicious when the first thing that I ever bought with my own money was a pair of Jordan VII's. You should have known when I went to college and straight wore out my pair of murdered-out Iverson I3's. You should have noticed the stains on our old Jordan posters. You should have been curious when you saw my sick crossover / fake jumper - get the defender in the air, unstoppable dribble-drive blow by move to the rack. Bucket! You should have been alarmed when you found my secret stash of old 1994 Finals VHS recordings. But you were stubborn. You didn't want to believe it was true.

You don't have to agree with my lifestyle, just understand that I am different than you. You like game shows and fantasy worlds of magic. You like fat girls and Mean Girls. You like the OC and old Britney songs. You like Dragon / Skull & Cross-bones shirts and bands that wear makeup and eye-liner. You're a goal-scorer, a location / movement pitcher. You're finesse. You're Kovalev, JT, and Corey Webster. I get it! But I'm RAW, son - Power-I!

I like dirrrrtyy, dirrrrtyy girls and Skynrd. I like a good skip pass and lockdown defenders. I like Starks, Mason, and Oak. I like Von Wafer, Jarvis Hayes, and old Survivor Series DVD's. I like Molly Hatchet and Chris Paul. I like a good, solid backdoor cut and high ball screens. I like 'Sheed and Jeff McInnis. I like Ghostface and Chef Raekwon. I like blood and I don't mind a facial. I like old X-tina videos, Ed Reed, and homeless people. So just get over it and accept me for who I am, brah. Or else I might have to pull out my Beretta...



"Searchin for my car keys tryin' to get on up out the door...Shit, Shit, Shit, Think, Shit, Quick put me in the closet. And now I'm in this darkened closet tryin' to figgerr out just how I'm gonna get my crazy ass up out this house...I cooked and ran your bath waaatttterrrrr..."