The Ginger Wizard...Seriously? This Guy Once Again Proves That Red Hair = Automatic Dork

So I am watching ESPN2, listening to Tommy Smythe "yai-de-de-yai" about Arsenal knocking AC Milan out of the UEFA Champions League Round of 16, when the "2007 International Speed Pool Challenge: First Semifinal" comes on. Some guy with the grossest Hispanic mullet ever was playing and I was falling asleep until I heard the name of his opponent, "The Ginger Wizard." I looked up and saw a red-haired psycho sprinting around the table knocking random balls in random holes and shouting "Come On" and high-fiving the crowd. Understandably confused, I went to Google and searched "The Ginger Wizard." I WAS TAKEN HERE! Immediately I was told, "Be Prepared to be Amazed" while the site was simultaneously bumping some dope-ass house beats.

It turns out, the Ginger Wizard is really Dave Pearson, "the world's number one pool entertainer and the most exciting pool player the game has ever seen."

According to the afore mentioned website, "Dave is a marketing dream for any company’s corporate event. During events Dave will try to break world records and will perform his amazing trick shots that have to be seen to be believed. His humor has audiences in fits of laughter and his skill takes them to unbelievable levels." A marketing dream? Umm...come on. Not so much. Fits of laughter? Geez, I can only imagine - a ginger with a poolstick. Like I've never seen that before. This website is the greatest thing I have ever seen! According to his bio, "the next challenge for Dave was the 24 hour World record which he managed to run 16,499 balls in 24 hours, only resting a total of 35 minutes through this ordeal. I guess Dave attempted this record because his social life was not very good at the time." His social life was not very good at the time? Well, when your own biography is calling you a loser who can't get any ass, I think it is time to do something else. Time to put on the ole' button-up and brown belt and go out looking for some tail. I ask again, his social life was not very good at the time? Yeah, I bet it has improved drastically ever since that fateful record-breaking day.

Going even further, the website tels me "Dave is a unique individual. He brings together all the good qualities needed to make your night a memorable one." Noooo. Please. No. The night (ok, nights) I drank 11 Busch Lights and watched my brother play Everquest was more memorable than the one I will hypothetically never spend with Dave Pearson. And what exactly are the qualities needed for a memorable night? Strippers, cocaine, booze, and a wiffle ball bat. If he brings all of those things to the table, than maybe then and only then, just maybe, I will overlook the fact that he is a red-headed lunatic who makes a living running around a pool table, and I will think about spending a night with him. On second thought, nah. I'll stay home and watch FSU play UNC. Thanks for nothing Dave.

Watch his tricks here.

And read others testimonials here. Try not to laugh. I dare you.