Saturday, March 15, 2008

Bill Buckner is a Huge Fan of the TV Series "Life Goes On"

Let's start the damn season already. I read something I wrote a few years back and it made me laugh. Here it is...

"This article begins with me stating my allegiance: I am a Yankees fan and I hope you have a problem with that. Your problems make me feel better about myself. Similar to many Yankee fans, I can’t stand being awake and/or alive after a Yankee loss and after a victory I feel like a million bucks. The effect that the Yanks results has on my soul can only be described as lunacy and can only be rivaled by the psychosis that Red Sox fans also possess. However, people are always complaining about my love for the Yankees. I often hear the quote, “Rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for the house in blackjack.” I heard this even more during the Playoffs That We Do Not Speak Of, when Braves, Rangers, Orioles, Giants, etc. fans were rooting for the self-proclaimed dumbass Red Sox.

Despite the fact that I am still not over the Playoffs That We Do Not Speak Of and things may never be the same, I was never really bothered by the comment, “Rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for the house,” because I expect and hope that you hate the Yankees. “Eff you,” I say, “We win and you suck.” However, the more I thought about that stupid rooting for the house comment and how everyone was and still is rooting for the Red Sox, the harder it became for me to understand how you could actually root for the Red Sox. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not saying anything about real Sox fans rooting for their team, but I decided that if I was not only going to have to listen to that idiotic rooting for the house comment, but also watch the idiotic Red Sox play against the Yankees 19+ times a season, that I had to come up with my own stupid quote also. [note: This is about to become an angry and perhaps offensive rant].

Not only did I make myself laugh, but this was I swear to god the first thing I though of.

Me (thinking to myself): “If rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for the house, then rooting for the Red Sox is like rooting for…(thinking for a total of about 3 seconds)…

“Rooting for the Red Sox is like rooting for a retarded child.” And I am not talking about rooting for some retarded kid who is your friend’s nephew to get a silver medal in the Special Olympics; I am talking about sitting in the waiting room before your first child’s birth and rooting that a retard pops out. Or even worse like saying to your wife when she is 6 months pregnant, “Do you think you could drink a little bit more and maybe smoke this rock of crack/cocaine that I just spent $30 on and don’t want to waste, because I really, really want to have a retarded child. Girl, boy…I don’t care as long as it is really fucking stupid, hard to deal with, and funny to look at after I come home from a hard day’s work.” That is the Red Sox in a nutshell: really fucking stupid, hard to deal with, and funny to look at after I come home from a hard day’s work, but at times rewarding when they do something remotely good.

I am not exactly sure how politically correct that is. I actually thought that I might have matured out of making such derogatory comments, but since I have been making fun of retards my entire life I could care less – hell is already awaiting my impending death. Let me say it again, “Rooting for the current Red Sox team is like rooting for a retarded child.” Is this not the Gods honest truth? And I do not just mean this seasons team; I am talking about the team for the previous few seasons. These guys are hilarious and by hilarious I obviously mean a disgrace. Now I may be a little biased and may be a little upset about that whole Playoffs That We Do Not Speak Of thing, but come on you have to agree with me somewhat. Now don’t get me wrong – I know and understand that they are a good baseball team with a great deal of talent, but Jesus Christ! [note: I could make a Johnny Damon joke, but since that was unintentional I will refrain].

I could go through and say something about every damn player on the roster, but I think that I will save that for part two…and the fact that if I did that I could not even comment on Abe Alvarez’s stupid hat and face, the stupid first names of all the Red Sox prospects such as Hanley, Anibal, and Cla – is that pronounced Claaaaaaaaa, like when you open your mouth at the dentist (although they may not be as bad as recent Yankee call up Melky), or Gabe Kapler’s trip to Japan, because they are not even on the roster.

The funny part is that when Millar was coming up with nicknames for the team as a whole – Cowboys, Dirtballs, Idiots, (he missed Clowns, but I think that was rhetorical) – he actually wasn’t that far off. In fact, maybe before the 2005 playoffs he will come right out and say it, “We’re a bunch of Fucking Retards.” That is if he isn’t traded in a few days so C-3POlerud’s helmet can play first.

Coming Soon: Part Two
1. A rundown of every player and his own retarded bio.
2. Answers to questions such as, “Why can’t Manny Ramirez speak English if he has lived in the United States for 25 years?” and even more puzzling, “Why can’t Johnny Damon either?” and “Is Bellhorn’s jewfro actually just taped onto his hat like a Halloween costume?” and “How to correctly pronounce Mueller?”
3. A contest of who can come closest without going over in guessing how many loads have been blown on Trot Nixon’s hat.
4. Revealing Secrets: The truth as to how much money Dale Sveum has to pay John Henry and Larry Luchino to remain the third base coach."

I'm guessing this song was a huge hit after last year's World Series. Why Sweet Caroline? Ohh, Sweet Corky Thatcher [wohh ohh ohh], good times never seemed so good [so good, so good, so good]. This is so much better.

1 comment:

Red Dastard said...

Retards aren't that retarded, they're just funny looking. I saw a rare Japanese kid w/ down syndrome...he looked American.