Unfucking believable. You remember your middle school field trips, right? Playing "The Nervous Game" on the bus. Throwing egg salad sandwiches at the white trash bus driver. Watching monkeys j' off at the zoo. We've all had our fair share of school-sponsored escapades. But nothing, and I mean nothing, can top this fucking story.
"A 13-year-old girl touring Fenway Park on a school trip was attacked by Curt Schilling's Everquest Character a resident red-tailed hawk that drew blood from her scalp Thursday."
The poor 13-year-old victim's name? ... Alexa Rodriguez. That's right. Alexa Rodriguez, of glove-slapping, "I got it" fame - purple lips and all. This smells of a Curt Schilling Everquest spell gone terribly wrong.
'Now back to the World Of Norrath. Schilling's EverQuest habit came to light after a 2001 game when his former Philadelphia Phillies teammate Doug Glanville hit two homers off of Schilling, who had just joined the Arizona Diamondbacks. Glanville explained to a writer for ESPN.com that the homers were payback for Schilling's role in the death of Bing-bong, Glanville's beloved, dwarven paladin. Glanville's tale: 'One day, Schill was playing his character, Cylc, and he asked me to team up with him in Faydwer, in the zone of the Butcherblock Mountains, to kill Aviaks, which are basically walking birds.' The pair encountered danger, according to Glanville, and Schilling ran away: 'I vowed revenge on the soul of Bingbong, for the negligent actions of Cylc." Hence the two homers.'
So the baseball season is officially underway this morning as Dice-K and the Sox take on Joe Blanton and the Athletics. I am awake with StatTracker up and running, eating my Cinnamon Life and drinking a Busch at "some girls" house. I just did the old "crack the can open as quietly as possible" trick. To be honest, I am actually kind of scared she may wake up and wonder what I am doing in her living room wearing knee-high socks and eyeblack with all of the lights turned off at 5:30 am. But if she's gotz a problem, I got five solutions...across her eye. (By the way, other than the eyeblack that is all completely true). Let's go Oakland. Little Jap girls and Jap boys have skipped Shogakko to see Nancy Drew strikeout twice and ground into a rally-killing double play. Emil Brown is goin' 2-4 with 3 RBI, putting the Yankees in first place where they will reside for the remainder of the glorious '08 season. And of course, I have to listen to god damn Steve Phillips. Thanks ESPN, thanks. Oh, baseball. How I missed you. If this morning wood lasts longer than four hours, I ain't callin' the doctor. I hope it never goes away. Here we go A's.
Update: J.D. Drew was scratched from the lineup because his back was acting up. Let's see...it's 6:10 a.m., the baseball season has been underway for 30 seconds, and J.D. Drew is already injured. HaHaHa. I guess those kids who skipped school to see him ground into an inning-ending DP will have to settle for a Papi bomb. March 25 - 6:10 am
Let's start the damn season already. I read something I wrote a few years back and it made me laugh. Here it is...
"This article begins with me stating my allegiance: I am a Yankees fan and I hope you have a problem with that. Your problems make me feel better about myself. Similar to many Yankee fans, I can’t stand being awake and/or alive after a Yankee loss and after a victory I feel like a million bucks. The effect that the Yanks results has on my soul can only be described as lunacy and can only be rivaled by the psychosis that Red Sox fans also possess. However, people are always complaining about my love for the Yankees. I often hear the quote, “Rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for the house in blackjack.” I heard this even more during the Playoffs That We Do Not Speak Of, when Braves, Rangers, Orioles, Giants, etc. fans were rooting for the self-proclaimed dumbass Red Sox.
Despite the fact that I am still not over the Playoffs That We Do Not Speak Of and things may never be the same, I was never really bothered by the comment, “Rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for the house,” because I expect and hope that you hate the Yankees. “Eff you,” I say, “We win and you suck.” However, the more I thought about that stupid rooting for the house comment and how everyone was and still is rooting for the Red Sox, the harder it became for me to understand how you could actually root for the Red Sox. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not saying anything about real Sox fans rooting for their team, but I decided that if I was not only going to have to listen to that idiotic rooting for the house comment, but also watch the idiotic Red Sox play against the Yankees 19+ times a season, that I had to come up with my own stupid quote also. [note: This is about to become an angry and perhaps offensive rant].
Not only did I make myself laugh, but this was I swear to god the first thing I though of.
Me (thinking to myself): “If rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for the house, then rooting for the Red Sox is like rooting for…(thinking for a total of about 3 seconds)…
“Rooting for the Red Sox is like rooting for a retarded child.” And I am not talking about rooting for some retarded kid who is your friend’s nephew to get a silver medal in the Special Olympics; I am talking about sitting in the waiting room before your first child’s birth and rooting that a retard pops out. Or even worse like saying to your wife when she is 6 months pregnant, “Do you think you could drink a little bit more and maybe smoke this rock of crack/cocaine that I just spent $30 on and don’t want to waste, because I really, really want to have a retarded child. Girl, boy…I don’t care as long as it is really fucking stupid, hard to deal with, and funny to look at after I come home from a hard day’s work.” That is the Red Sox in a nutshell: really fucking stupid, hard to deal with, and funny to look at after I come home from a hard day’s work, but at times rewarding when they do something remotely good.
I am not exactly sure how politically correct that is. I actually thought that I might have matured out of making such derogatory comments, but since I have been making fun of retards my entire life I could care less – hell is already awaiting my impending death. Let me say it again, “Rooting for the current Red Sox team is like rooting for a retarded child.” Is this not the Gods honest truth? And I do not just mean this seasons team; I am talking about the team for the previous few seasons. These guys are hilarious and by hilarious I obviously mean a disgrace. Now I may be a little biased and may be a little upset about that whole Playoffs That We Do Not Speak Of thing, but come on you have to agree with me somewhat. Now don’t get me wrong – I know and understand that they are a good baseball team with a great deal of talent, but Jesus Christ! [note: I could make a Johnny Damon joke, but since that was unintentional I will refrain].
I could go through and say something about every damn player on the roster, but I think that I will save that for part two…and the fact that if I did that I could not even comment on Abe Alvarez’s stupid hat and face, the stupid first names of all the Red Sox prospects such as Hanley, Anibal, and Cla – is that pronounced Claaaaaaaaa, like when you open your mouth at the dentist (although they may not be as bad as recent Yankee call up Melky), or Gabe Kapler’s trip to Japan, because they are not even on the roster.
The funny part is that when Millar was coming up with nicknames for the team as a whole – Cowboys, Dirtballs, Idiots, (he missed Clowns, but I think that was rhetorical) – he actually wasn’t that far off. In fact, maybe before the 2005 playoffs he will come right out and say it, “We’re a bunch of Fucking Retards.” That is if he isn’t traded in a few days so C-3POlerud’s helmet can play first.
Coming Soon: Part Two 1. A rundown of every player and his own retarded bio. 2. Answers to questions such as, “Why can’t Manny Ramirez speak English if he has lived in the United States for 25 years?” and even more puzzling, “Why can’t Johnny Damon either?” and “Is Bellhorn’s jewfro actually just taped onto his hat like a Halloween costume?” and “How to correctly pronounce Mueller?” 3. A contest of who can come closest without going over in guessing how many loads have been blown on Trot Nixon’s hat. 4. Revealing Secrets: The truth as to how much money Dale Sveum has to pay John Henry and Larry Luchino to remain the third base coach."
I'm guessing this song was a huge hit after last year's World Series. Why Sweet Caroline? Ohh, Sweet Corky Thatcher [wohh ohh ohh], good times never seemed so good [so good, so good, so good]. This is so much better.
What's that? A beautiful day, Vin Scully, a sick 12-6 curve, and a Red Sox player getting rung to end an inning = the greatest video ever. Personally, I would have been sitting on a breaking pitch with a 1-2 count and ripped it through the hole between short and third, but I mean damn, Clayton Kershaw just made Sean Casey look silly.
Update: This video has been removed by MLB. However, Kershaw's curveball can be seen here. This video is of terrible quality and is announced by Sean McDonough who is no Vin Scully. But still at the 3:49 mark, Kershaw unleashes the filth. March 25 - 12:05 pm
The two best teams in the NBA face off tonight in Boston, Mass., sans parquet. The Celtics will become the first team to clinch a playoff birth with a win tonight over the Detroit Pistons. Newly acquired Sam Cassell will not suit up for the Celts, but Theo Ratliff, signed by Detroit on Tuesday, may play. And contribute nothing.
Prediction: 'Sheed drains at least five 3-pointers, Bill Laimbeer punches Eddie House in the face, Brian Scalabrine misses the only shot he takes, and the Pistons steal one on the road. Detroit 90 - Boston Sucks 87.
7:30 p.m. Eastern start time. Follow the game live here. Or buy NBA League Pass.
"If we're not the team to beat," Jonathan Papelbon said Thursday, "I'd like to know who is. I think that our No. 1 thing is to stay healthy. If we do that, I don't know who can really compete with us."
It's all good you think you are the team to beat. I have no probs with that, but you "don't know who can really compete with" you? Isn't this baseball where you are pretty much guaranteed to lose at least 60 games? Don't you play in the same league as the Yankees, Tigers, Indians, and Angels? Why even play the 2008 season? Just go ahead and give the Sox the trophy. While you are at it, pry the Lombardi Trophy out of Eli's hands and give it to Belichick and the Pats. Cancel the rest of the NBA season and crown Danny Ainge, the Truth, the Big Ticket, and Jesus Shuttlesworth NBA Champions. I mean, you did invent basketball, right? Give Matt Damon the Best Actor Oscar for The Bourne Ultimatum. Cause nobody can compete with Boston.
Next president - Mitt Romney by default. Bow down to us, ya facks. We are bettahhh than all of yahhhs. Greatest band evahhh - Dropkick Murphy's. Greatest movie evahhh - The Departed or maybe, Good Will Hunting. Greatest hittahhh evahhh - Ted Williams' frozen corpse. Greatest coach evahhh - tie between Belichick and Arnold Jacob Red Auerbach. Greatest beer evahhh - Sam Adams. Greatest hawkey playaah evahhhh - Bobby Orrrrrrrr. Greatest rawwwk evahhh - Plymouth. Greatest family evahhh - Kennedy's. Greatest airpawwrtt evahhh - Logan International. Greatest Red Sawwwwwkk Evahhh - Schilling's bloody one. Greatest school evahhh - MIT, no Hahhhhvaad. Greatest flowaahhh evahhh - the Mayflowahhh. Greatest hawwliday evahhh - St. Patty's Day. Greatest food evahhh - Chowwdahhh. And greatest human being evahhh - Johnny fackin' Appleseed.
Fuck off, Papelbon. You big douche. Listen to this while you j off and shut up.
2007 New York Champion Giants - Greatest Team Ever?
Watching Tom Brady play Super Bowl XLII from his back will forever be one of the greatest memories of my life. Joe Montana had just driven his team 80 yards and had hit Jerry Rice in the end zone for the go-ahead TD with 2:50 remaining. Then, little Awkward Elisha Manning marched onto the field and put together one of the greatest drives in football history. Former Pro-Bowler David Tyree made what is apparently the defining catch of the the history of the league. Then defensive Genius Bill Belichick decided to go Cover Zero and bring seven. I understand you are in the Red Zone, but no safety help...Really? Seriously? Plax, playing the X, gave a little slant move, Ellis Hobbs sat on it and got abused on a fade. "17 Go Get It." G-Men 17. Boston Patriots Failure. Losers.
I hope there are enough ShamWows still available to soak up all of the chowdery tears that you bean-eating arrogant Boston folk have shed. "Eighteen and One!"
Eli Manning is wishing upon a star, while Gisele is consoling a teary-eyed failure. Peyton was Tiger Sunday fist-pumping for his little bro. Shockey was advertising his G-Shock watch and simultaneously triple fisting a Budweiser, Margarita, and glass o Boxed Wine. Gibril got his ring. Strahan solidified one of the greatest careers of all-time. Madison Hedgecock called the Rams and personally thanked them for cutting him after Week 1. Domenik Hixon became the first player in NFL history to paralyze someone and win a Lombardi Trophy in the same season. I think he owes Kevin Everett his ring. Tiki got a text that said "What now biatch? <3 Your Pal Eli - Champion. Leader. From: Eli AM 12:36 2/4/08," then he called Ronde and asked if he could touch his trophy. Archie j'd off into a jar and froze his super-sperm just in case. Lawrence Taylor relapsed. I burned some mattresses and flipped some Cadillacs. Scotty Norwood woke up in a cold sweat from a nightmare and rolled off the wide right side of his bed. Joe "Willie" Namath finally got his kiss from Suzy. Randy Moss began negotiating a new contract to be payed in Straight Cash Homie. Welker's getting Whiter. Belichick already began thinking about his #7 Overall Draft Pick while sleeping under a bridge with a shopping cart full of cut-up hoodies. Big Papi spilled his milkshake. Curt Schilling threw away his Tedy Bear Bruschi jersey. Bill Simmoms hates life. And Carl rejoiced. What a great fucking day.
Super Bowl Champions - You can't ever take that away. Just ask Don Shula, John Madden, and Charile Batch.
