What UNC and UCLA Won? God Damn Bigfoot Ruined My Weekend and This Poor 'Tards Life

While you guys were probably watching Davidson beat Wisconsin, and UCLA and Carolina advance to the Final Four, I was busy...getting busy. Gene Morrill can relate. This guy who may or may not been the star of Life Goes On, was arrested on molestation charges after trying to solicit young boys, most likely in an AOL 4.0 Private Chat Room...But wait, he has a legitimate excuse! During his own childhood, he was molested by a sick, dirty man...bipedal hominid. He claims he was molested by Bigfoot. Yes, he says Bigfoot stuck his Gigantopithecus blacki inside of him. I guess they are going to have to change the mascot for the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver. We can't have a mysterious Nordic-Jumping molester who dreams of one day becoming the next Patrick Roy representing our greatest Winter Sports, whatever they may be.

I Was Going To Graduate This Semester, but Then I Failed Film Class...and Life - We Failed at That Too

I know I almost failed "Music, Society, and Culture" my senior year, but holy geez.



"Smith sending in Obrzut, Pick and Rollin like we drew it!!! Pass the ball to Crawford, and get the Slam Dunk!!!!" Wow, you spit hot fire.

Lazy Tuesday?...more like Lazy Schoolwork. No I will not make out with you. Did ya hear that? This girl wants to make out with me in the middle of class. You got Kentucky Basketball Kids up there talking about God knows what and all she can talk about is making out with me. I'm here to learn, everybody, not to make out with you. Go on with the Kentucky Bas-KITT-ball.

Make Sure to Set Your Tivo - It's Going to be So Wizard

In case you missed it, read this. 5:00 p.m. Eastern standard. Today...Thursday, March 6th. ESPN2 - Ginger Wizard in the 2007 Speed Pools Finals. Please watch. If you are not going to be home, please do yourself a favor and Tivo or DVR it. If you do not have this technology, dust off the VCR and record over some old WCW Nitro VHS's or Aersosmith videos starring Alicia Silverstone. If you can't do that, then you can come over my house and watch it this weekend. I'm having a cookout, I promise. No gingers allowed. Damn, I got you. You just got straight Rick Rolled.



Hahahaha...DORK!

The Ginger Wizard...Seriously? This Guy Once Again Proves That Red Hair = Automatic Dork

So I am watching ESPN2, listening to Tommy Smythe "yai-de-de-yai" about Arsenal knocking AC Milan out of the UEFA Champions League Round of 16, when the "2007 International Speed Pool Challenge: First Semifinal" comes on. Some guy with the grossest Hispanic mullet ever was playing and I was falling asleep until I heard the name of his opponent, "The Ginger Wizard." I looked up and saw a red-haired psycho sprinting around the table knocking random balls in random holes and shouting "Come On" and high-fiving the crowd. Understandably confused, I went to Google and searched "The Ginger Wizard." I WAS TAKEN HERE! Immediately I was told, "Be Prepared to be Amazed" while the site was simultaneously bumping some dope-ass house beats.

It turns out, the Ginger Wizard is really Dave Pearson, "the world's number one pool entertainer and the most exciting pool player the game has ever seen."

According to the afore mentioned website, "Dave is a marketing dream for any company’s corporate event. During events Dave will try to break world records and will perform his amazing trick shots that have to be seen to be believed. His humor has audiences in fits of laughter and his skill takes them to unbelievable levels." A marketing dream? Umm...come on. Not so much. Fits of laughter? Geez, I can only imagine - a ginger with a poolstick. Like I've never seen that before. This website is the greatest thing I have ever seen! According to his bio, "the next challenge for Dave was the 24 hour World record which he managed to run 16,499 balls in 24 hours, only resting a total of 35 minutes through this ordeal. I guess Dave attempted this record because his social life was not very good at the time." His social life was not very good at the time? Well, when your own biography is calling you a loser who can't get any ass, I think it is time to do something else. Time to put on the ole' button-up and brown belt and go out looking for some tail. I ask again, his social life was not very good at the time? Yeah, I bet it has improved drastically ever since that fateful record-breaking day.

Going even further, the website tels me "Dave is a unique individual. He brings together all the good qualities needed to make your night a memorable one." Noooo. Please. No. The night (ok, nights) I drank 11 Busch Lights and watched my brother play Everquest was more memorable than the one I will hypothetically never spend with Dave Pearson. And what exactly are the qualities needed for a memorable night? Strippers, cocaine, booze, and a wiffle ball bat. If he brings all of those things to the table, than maybe then and only then, just maybe, I will overlook the fact that he is a red-headed lunatic who makes a living running around a pool table, and I will think about spending a night with him. On second thought, nah. I'll stay home and watch FSU play UNC. Thanks for nothing Dave.

Watch his tricks here.

And read others testimonials here. Try not to laugh. I dare you.