Italy's Shattered Dreams

Today a stuntman in Italy crashed 007's Aston Martin head-on into another car while filming a chase scene for the new James Bond movie. Apparently, he was gravely injured. But that's nothing compared to the injuries these Italians suffered at the hands of God back in '86. Shattered dreams and shattered backboards.



MJ toys with their emotions, waving the ball in their dirty noses like its a slice of Neapolitan pizza topped with San Marzano tomatoes from the volcanic planes of Mount Vesuvius (I tried to find a Dennis Miller font for the previous sentence, but couldn't find one). Then he goes all Jerome Lane on the Fascists and straight sends it it. Thanks to The Big Lead for linking this video via Docksquad's Sports World.

My God. Why Did Wisconsin Lose the Other Night? Glad You Asked

Stephen Curry? Getting outscored by 17 in the second half? 12 turnovers to Davidson's 5? No, no, and no.



That is Wisconsin basketball coach Bo Ryan. Apparently Bo is both a pimp and an accomplished dancer. I have a sneaking suspicion that he may also be black. Not only did he perfect and crank the Soulja Boy, but he also is an expert at the old plantation schoolyard classic the Hambone aka the Juba Dance. Inform yourself.

Seriously though, the stellar careers of Wisconsin seniors Michael Flowers, Brian Butch, and Greg Stiemsma are over. Truth be told, they had a pretty good run. And Bo is not only a pretty entertaining guy, but also a damn good basketball coach with a great defensive mind. He has taught me how to defend down screens and how to prevent low-post entry passes. Thanks, Bo. Keep hiding behind that JabbaWockeeZ mask and no one will ever suspect a thing.

What UNC and UCLA Won? God Damn Bigfoot Ruined My Weekend and This Poor 'Tards Life

While you guys were probably watching Davidson beat Wisconsin, and UCLA and Carolina advance to the Final Four, I was busy...getting busy. Gene Morrill can relate. This guy who may or may not been the star of Life Goes On, was arrested on molestation charges after trying to solicit young boys, most likely in an AOL 4.0 Private Chat Room...But wait, he has a legitimate excuse! During his own childhood, he was molested by a sick, dirty man...bipedal hominid. He claims he was molested by Bigfoot. Yes, he says Bigfoot stuck his Gigantopithecus blacki inside of him. I guess they are going to have to change the mascot for the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver. We can't have a mysterious Nordic-Jumping molester who dreams of one day becoming the next Patrick Roy representing our greatest Winter Sports, whatever they may be.

Time to Bust Out the Black Socks

Photo Courtesy: AP - 1991

The Sweet Sixteen kicks off today and Chris Webber has officially retired. And then there was one...One Shining Moment.

The David Lee Game as Told by Gus Johnson

I know that was awesome, but damn Gus. Damn. December 21, 2006. Double Overtime and David Lee somehow breaks the Trent Tucker Rule thanks to a tip-in with 00.1 second on the clock. But the real story is Gus Friggin' Johnson literally losing his shit. He sounded like me when I saw this...



Gotta love the NBA continuation. If you want more, here is the whole story on that play.

If You Want Your Students to Like You, Let Them Watch the Damn NCAA Tournament During Class

While some of you may prefer to watch five guys dance on roller skates while Albert Clifford Slater watches intently, it's time for the rest of us to plan out our weekend which starts Thursday at noon.

Now that the entire tournament is offered online, college students don't have to skip class to watch Thursday and Friday's (well let's be honest, if you have Friday classes you are either a dork or don't go anyway) games. But c'mon, most students will still skip class. And now high-school coaches can show one game on the class TV and the other games on their computer while secretly housing the kids who are skipping Ms. Bitchass's Enlgish and Mr. DeeBag's US History class.

I have been surveying the intraweb reading some stuff...

* Here is the official TV schedule with announcers included. The tourney starts off with Georgia and Xavier on one TV, and a 12-5 match-up being called by one Gus Johnson on the other TV. Looks like I'll be listening to two games at once.

* This website has all the shit you want to know about the tournament.

* Here are capsules for each game. Washington St. is 10-7 against teams in the NCAA field. That's a lot of games and a pretty good record.

* This guy is rooting for Belmont because he doesn't really like Duke all that much, and has some nice things to say about Coach K and Duke Point Guards.

* Deadspin previews the Georgia - Xavier game, referring to Dave Bliss as a "doofy tall white guy."



That's what it's all aboutz. No video needed. 'Nuff said.

Georgia is Better Than the Houston Rockets

Photo Courtesy: AP - Bill Haber

Dennis Felton talks about winning the SEC Championship and playing Xavier.

...and in Georgia football news, LB Marcus Washington will undergo shoulder surgery and is most likely out for the season. Time to man up Dewberry.

I Was Going To Graduate This Semester, but Then I Failed Film Class...and Life - We Failed at That Too

I know I almost failed "Music, Society, and Culture" my senior year, but holy geez.



"Smith sending in Obrzut, Pick and Rollin like we drew it!!! Pass the ball to Crawford, and get the Slam Dunk!!!!" Wow, you spit hot fire.

Lazy Tuesday?...more like Lazy Schoolwork. No I will not make out with you. Did ya hear that? This girl wants to make out with me in the middle of class. You got Kentucky Basketball Kids up there talking about God knows what and all she can talk about is making out with me. I'm here to learn, everybody, not to make out with you. Go on with the Kentucky Bas-KITT-ball.

Tim Floyd, Is There No Limit? This Story Makes Me Say Ugghhh

Finding a replacement for OJ Mayo. No problem. Just holler at Master P if you hear him. He's got the hook up. Lil' Romeo's best friend is the No. 5 ranked basketball prospect and top-ranked small forward in the country. And Lil' Romeo wants to go to USC's prestigious film school. Oh...and he wants to ball too. On scholarship. Even though he is not that good. And has a bum knee. What's that Tim Floyd? You are actually recruiting me? An offer? Well no one else was dumb enough...I mean, sure. It was that easy? So, your walk-ons aren't going to get mad or anything are they? Sorry John Bender. Looks like you'll have to wait another year. But hey, keep up the hustle in practice. We need you on scout team, giving your blood and sweat every day, getting abused by Mayo and Taj Gibson - helping them become NBA lottery picks. So what you have to pay $44,000 a year when your family only makes $60,000.

Tajuan Porter and Darren Collison, you guys better watch out. Lil' Romeo is so gonna shut you down next year. Oh, he's not going to play? Wait, so why...why is he getting a scholarship? "We may have more 11- to 17-year-old girls in the stands than we've had in the past," said Floyd. Ohh, I get it. But you like them that young, Mr. Floyd? I mean 17, sure, but come on?

All Eyes on Big Game Tonight in Boston

The two best teams in the NBA face off tonight in Boston, Mass., sans parquet. The Celtics will become the first team to clinch a playoff birth with a win tonight over the Detroit Pistons. Newly acquired Sam Cassell will not suit up for the Celts, but Theo Ratliff, signed by Detroit on Tuesday, may play. And contribute nothing.

Prediction: 'Sheed drains at least five 3-pointers, Bill Laimbeer punches Eddie House in the face, Brian Scalabrine misses the only shot he takes, and the Pistons steal one on the road. Detroit 90 - Boston Sucks 87.

7:30 p.m. Eastern start time. Follow the game live here. Or buy NBA League Pass.

Time For You To Break Up With Your Girlfriend

With actual baseball games being played and conference tournaments nearing, I think it's only fair to tell your girlfriend to go away for a while. Unless you are a Pirates or Orioles fan. In that case, you will already be 10 games out in May and it's probably a good idea to keep her and her crumpin' ass around. For the rest of you, don't worry. She'll still stop by and annoy you here and there and she'll still send a late night booty text a few times a week. And trust Randy Velarde when he says there is nothing better than hooking up with a girl while listening to Vin Scully at 1 a.m.

"All year long she looked to him to light the fire and all year long he answered the demands. High fly ball into right field. She is gone! In a year that has been so improbable, the impossible has happened."

That Didn't Last Long

Like a virgin boy on prom night. Or Bruce Pearl on a party boat. "You know I thug 'em, fuck 'em, love 'em, leave 'em cause I don't fuckin' need 'em." We doin Big Pimpin' up in Tennessee. Vandy whites out No. 1 Tennessee, 72-69.

This is My Senior Night...Let's Get it Onnnnn

Photo Courtesy: UTsports.com

Oh, Knox-Vegas. You have given us some of the greatest treats on Earth. Super Bowl Champions like Gibril Wilson and commercial whore Peyton Manning. My older brother Chad Pennington. Country music phenom Kenny Chesney. The woman of my dreams, Pat Summitt. Famous hillbillies Homer and Jethro. World Series of Poker champion Chris Moneymaker. The fastest man on the planet, Justin Gatlin. Great Knicks, Allan Houston and Bernard King. Potential Hall of Fame first-basemen like Todd Helton and old-school racists like Reggie White. The two greatest wrestlers of all time, "Double J" Jeff Jarrett and Big Daddy Cool Diesel, Kevin Nash. America's greatest author Kurt Vonnegut. Al Gore Sr. and Dr. Jerry Punch. You gave us Johnny Knoxville and Randy Orton. You gave us Dave Thomas, founder of the greatest fast food restaurant on the planet. Quentin Tarantino and all of his brilliance. You even gave us wrestling manager Mr. Fuji. So I never, never thought you could outdo yourself. But then I saw something even I couldn't believe...

With the national stage all to yourselves after a week of hype, you beat Memphis in a thriller Saturday night. Now you are the #1 college basketball team in the nation. That's great. No more talk about Calipari and an undefeated season. Now we can focus on the important things - things like UT backup-guard Jordan Howell. 5.4 ppg and full of soul. How you have managed to once again outdo yourself is beyond me. Here's to the world's greatest city...Knoxville - or Knoxvullll if you are a local. It makes oh so much sense that you also invented the Dumpster!



It's crazy how good he is. It's only fitting that he plays his instrument while sitting on a bench because that is where he has spent the past four years. If the spirit moves, then let me groove. Let your love come dooowwwn. Let me do what I wanna do. All I wanna do is drain this three on you. So let me do what I wanna do. All I wanna do is be your substitute. Gimme good feelings. Well played sir, well played.

NB Hey, Heeeeeeeeyyy...Much to My Brother's Dismay, I'm Coming Out of the Closet, the Closet

"You are a bad boy. Yes you are!"

I am not sure if this is the appropriate way to do this. I'm sorry you had to find out like this, I really am. I know you may be disappointed to hear this after all of these years brah, but I'm 24 years old and I think now is the right time for you to know. I'm sick of hiding from everyone. I'm sick of changing the channel when someone walks in the room. I'm sick of waiting for the 3 a.m. replays. I'm sick of DVR-ing Chuck, Jet, and Ernie and then deleting it before anyone sees it on the "My Recordings" list. I'm sick of having to go to girls houses because you would rather watch old Family Fued episodes. When you are around, I'm scared to even move over to the secondary / NES TV with my closet love. And now that Choose Your Own Adventure or Lost or whatever that stupid show is, comes on Thursday nights at the same time, I will no longer be home for Thursday Family Night at the Ivy's.

I love the NBA! There, I said it. What? You got an effin' problem? I don't care. I'll move to Massachusetts, where my love is legal, if I have to. How do you feel about that? You don't know what it feels like to have to constantly carry this weight...this burden on my shoulders, constantly looking over my back, checking to make sure no one is around. I'm sick of having to put on fake clothes when I leave the house and having to wait until I get to top of the driveway to change into my Ron Artest jersey .

You should have seen this coming. All of the telltale signs were there. You should have been suspicious when the first thing that I ever bought with my own money was a pair of Jordan VII's. You should have known when I went to college and straight wore out my pair of murdered-out Iverson I3's. You should have noticed the stains on our old Jordan posters. You should have been curious when you saw my sick crossover / fake jumper - get the defender in the air, unstoppable dribble-drive blow by move to the rack. Bucket! You should have been alarmed when you found my secret stash of old 1994 Finals VHS recordings. But you were stubborn. You didn't want to believe it was true.

You don't have to agree with my lifestyle, just understand that I am different than you. You like game shows and fantasy worlds of magic. You like fat girls and Mean Girls. You like the OC and old Britney songs. You like Dragon / Skull & Cross-bones shirts and bands that wear makeup and eye-liner. You're a goal-scorer, a location / movement pitcher. You're finesse. You're Kovalev, JT, and Corey Webster. I get it! But I'm RAW, son - Power-I!

I like dirrrrtyy, dirrrrtyy girls and Skynrd. I like a good skip pass and lockdown defenders. I like Starks, Mason, and Oak. I like Von Wafer, Jarvis Hayes, and old Survivor Series DVD's. I like Molly Hatchet and Chris Paul. I like a good, solid backdoor cut and high ball screens. I like 'Sheed and Jeff McInnis. I like Ghostface and Chef Raekwon. I like blood and I don't mind a facial. I like old X-tina videos, Ed Reed, and homeless people. So just get over it and accept me for who I am, brah. Or else I might have to pull out my Beretta...



"Searchin for my car keys tryin' to get on up out the door...Shit, Shit, Shit, Think, Shit, Quick put me in the closet. And now I'm in this darkened closet tryin' to figgerr out just how I'm gonna get my crazy ass up out this house...I cooked and ran your bath waaatttterrrrr..."

Youssif's Dad Traded After All - Meaning This Kidd Will Get Some Much Deserved Facetime

After a bunch of circumspection, the Mavericks and New Jersey Nets have completed the trade that will send PG Jason Kidd and his unfortunate son to Dallas. The completed deal sends Kidd, G/F Antoine Wright, and F Malik Allen to the Mavs in exchange for G Devin Harris, C DeSagana Diop, Maurice Ager (who I guess plays the 2, although I am not really sure if he actually plays at all), F Trenton Hassell, Keith Van Horn's coffin, two future first-round draft picks, and $3 million. Between expiring contracts and the salary cap, NBA trades are mostly ridiculous and this one was especially complicated with the Devean George mess, Stackhouse admitting to looking forward to thirty days of rest, and the swapping of retired players and dead bodies. But it got done. And now the Nets get their point guard of the future and some first-round picks, and the Mavs get the guy who can potentially lead them to a championship. Everyone should happy. Especially this Kidd...



Poor TJ. Sitting baseline, he got a little too close to the Suns. A frightened spectator and obvious NBA Jam fan shouted, "He's on Fire!" And just like that, his life changed forever. It's all good though. I hear Dallas has some of the best medical facilities in the world. Get Well Soon lil' Kidd. We look forward to seeing you pre-game ballin' on the American Airlines Center floor in no time.

Devean George Cock Blocks a Kidd

The Dallas Mavericks have a problem. Sure, they are 35-18 and only two games behind New Orleans for the best record in the West. But they are terrible away from American Airlines Center with road losses that include Atlanta, Portland, Indiana, Milwaukee, Sacramento, New Jersey, and Philly. The Mavs are 12-15 on the road. They also need a point guard, a leader. Devin Harris is a solid player with a chance to be really good, but Skip 2 My Lou averages more assists per game than Devin. He is right outside the Top 20 with a 5.3 APG average. That may be more indicative of the Mavericks style of play and may be a result of JT and Dirk handling the ball a lot as well. I love Devin Harris and I hate Jason Kidd, but you can't deny the truth. Kidd is one of the best ball handlers and game managers ever. His versatility, vision, and ability to make everyone on the court better makes him one of the greatest point guards in human history. Even at his age, he is still puttin' up ridiculous numbers - an 11 point, 8 board, 10 assist average. And the Mavs want him and are willing to give up a shit load to get him.

The proposed trade calls for J Kidd and Malik Allen to be swapped from NJ to Dallas in exchange for Devin Harris, Jerry Stackhouse, DeSagana Diop, Maurice Ager, Devean George, $3 million and two first-round picks. The Mavs would be giving up a lot. But they also realize that with 9 or 10 really good teams in the West, they need to do something to get them past defending champs San Antonio, Phoenix and the Lake Show who both have recently made moves aimed at winning a championship, and even Utah, New Orleans, and Golden State.

The only problem is that Devean George, who averages 15 min and 3.8 ppg, used his right to block the deal - "a right afforded to George via a little-known league rule affecting certain players with one-year contracts." Now I'm not going to bash Devean because he has the right to do this and I'm sure it would affect his livelihood and contract status. Plus, who the hell wants to go to Jersey? But after this was reported on Wednesday, George was allowed to play 33 minutes. And he wen't 0-11 from the field and 0-2 from the free throw line. 0-11! And they tried to give you two free points and you missed those too? There should be a little-known league rule that says if you block a trade and then go out and throw up 11 bricks in a row on the same day, you lose all of your rights. Not just the right to block a trade, but your right to free speech, right to bear arms, right to a speedy trial, right to vote, and right to participate in the pre-game layup drill and team introductions.

So here is J Kidd sitting at home, hoping he can go back to Dallas and help the General Avery Johnson win another ring. And there is Devean George - given an opportunity to start in the past few games, he has played 29, 32, 33, and 43 minutes in the previous four games. And boy has he responded. The Mavericks are 1-3 in those four, and George has gone 10-40 (.250) from the floor. Solid contribution son. Glad we are giving you meaningful minutes. I don't think Mark Cuban, Avery Johnson, or J Kidd is too happy.

"Not only did you get a ring in 2000-2001 when I deserved one, but now you are cock blocking me again. I will beat you like I beat Joum...my wi...i mean...ummm, nevermind."

World's Greatest Humanitarian Strikes Again

Adam Jones once again proves he is undoubtedly the World's Greatest Humanitarian. "Bloodied or Bruised? It's your choice." Seems as though, unlike my brother - who surprising and regrettingly chose bloodied, this broad went with the latter.

Sorry Timmy Hardaway. I know you too tried your hardest, no homo, to be a great humanitarian. Between the bi-weekly visits to the soup kitchen and the gay-bashing, it is true - you used to be somebody. But Ben Miller HONE-est-ly, you and your Aesop's fabled crossover have been replaced atop the list for a while now. (By the way, this is an actual card from 1991)


In 2003, I fell in love with a man. Yea, I said it! His name just happened to be Pacman. As a sophomore at West Vag, he was in on every tackle - Gibril Wilson style. He was making plays all over the field on D in addition to returning both punts and kicks. That season, there was a game against Miami, who finished 12-0 and made it to the national championship game, where Pac was THE man. He made every tackle. Miami kept moving Kellen Winslow around, motioning him, lining him up in the slot or out wide and WVU kept manin' him up with Jones. He kept jamming Winslow at the line and they kept talkin shiot and getting SEC-like "MAN" physical - hand to hand, Honor Roll Gangster to Fucking Soldier "we don't care about anybody but this U" combat stylee. He even Pacman Jones'ed a Hoe on Winslow.



Pacman also picked Brock Berlin in the endzone before half.



And after Quincy Wilson broke 3 tackles and then man-destroyed safety Brandon Merriweather on a screen pass and housed it with two minutes to go, it looked like WVU was going to win.



But then Winslow made this ridickilous catch on 4th and 13...



and Miami marched down the field and of course, kicked a go-ahead field goal. And then, got a game-sealing pick from the late Sean Taylor to preserve 22-20 victory and save their national title hopes...and...umm...what's the opposite of save? Willis McGahee's knee.

It's a real shame that Pacman now spits on / five across the eyes bitches on a regular basis. It's kinda hard to like a guy like that. But, at least he is consistent. I think Vince Lombardi or Dan Reeves, or maybe it was Ray Handley who once said CONSISTENCY is the main key to playing winning football.