If I Liked Dudes...I'm Just Saying

Here is a great article on my BFF Robbie Cano. And just so my other boyfriend doesn't get jealous, here you are Hanley. And Gibril you can take your money and run because, "I still don't have the reason. And you don't have the time. And it really makes me wonder if I ever gave a fuck about you." JK. I still <3 U! Good luck in Oakland.

And if you have ever wondered what a conversation between Kurt Warner and Jon Kitna would sound like, Kissing Suzy Kolber has supplied the answer. It is hilarious!

Thanks For the Favre, Brett

The last throw of Brett Favre's career was his best. Thanks for a great career. Between the Vicodin, ill-advised throws, silly scrambles, and post-game interviews with a dip in your mouth, you still somehow managed to leave the game as one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time and more importantly, one of the greatest Americans ever.

Say It Ain't So...The Gibril Wilson Sweepstakes Begins Today. And Jeff Garcia Has a New "Partner"

Today is the first day for NFL teams to sign free agents and Gibril Wilson is currently taking calls from potential suitors. The NY Post claims the Giants are preparing for Wilson's departure. We here at CPC would be devastated if Gibril goes elsewhere. Here is what else has happened so far.

* After the Jets granted Jonathan Vilma the right to seek a trade to anyone but the Patriots, the Saints pounced and traded an undisclosed draft pick for the former Pro-Bowl linebacker.

* Jerry Porter finally walked the plank and got the hell out of Oak-town signing a six-year, $30 million contract with Jacksonville. The Jaguars also swapped a sixth round draft pick with the Vikings in exchange for speedy receiver Troy Williamson.

* The Bills signed LB Kawika Mitchell fresh off a Super Bowl season with the Giants. Candy Painted Cadillacs and Giants fans everywhere wish you the best of luck. Lots of late-night bowling and ugly girls up there in Buffalo.

* The Cleveland Browns re-signed Derek Anderson to a three-year deal worth between $24 million to $26 million. I guess Brady Quinn will continue to have plenty of time to make terrible commercials and go out and get in drunken confrontations with the gays of Columbus.

* The Bengals must miss Bid Daddy Dan Wilkinson because they traded a third and a fifth-round pick to acquire 340 pound raw-meat eating Shaun Rogers from the Lions. They also reached a three-year agreement with linebacker and bow-tie enthusiast Dhani Jones.

* A kicker retired. Hey Morten Anderson, did you hear that? A kicker retired.

* The Falcons re-signed...hahahaha...re-signed Chris Redman. Hahahahaha. DJ Shockley threw a party when he heard this news.

* Tedy Bruschi's heart, or what's still left of it, is still in New England and he decided to sign a multiyear contract with the Pats.

* The Bucs made former Saint Jeff Faine the highest paid Center in football. Does he know who their quarterback is? Faine is praying the Bucs will run a 90% shotgun orientated offense. Do you really want Jeff Garcia's hands on your junk 75 times every Sunday? And what about practice? Garcia usually asks to take extra snaps after everyone else has left the practice field, so beware Faine. Guard your Faint. Guard your Faint.

* Asante Samuel visited with the last-place Eagles. Santa Claus immediately called and warned Asante he had better be worth the $10 million a year that he is asking for.

Can't Spell Destiny without a NY. Boston Sucks! Eighteen and One. How 'Bout Them Apples.

2007 New York Champion Giants - Greatest Team Ever?

Watching Tom Brady play Super Bowl XLII from his back will forever be one of the greatest memories of my life. Joe Montana had just driven his team 80 yards and had hit Jerry Rice in the end zone for the go-ahead TD with 2:50 remaining. Then, little Awkward Elisha Manning marched onto the field and put together one of the greatest drives in football history. Former Pro-Bowler David Tyree made what is apparently the defining catch of the the history of the league. Then defensive Genius Bill Belichick decided to go Cover Zero and bring seven. I understand you are in the Red Zone, but no safety help...Really? Seriously? Plax, playing the X, gave a little slant move, Ellis Hobbs sat on it and got abused on a fade. "17 Go Get It." G-Men 17. Boston Patriots Failure. Losers.

I hope there are enough ShamWows still available to soak up all of the chowdery tears that you bean-eating arrogant Boston folk have shed. "Eighteen and One!"

Eli Manning is wishing upon a star, while Gisele is consoling a teary-eyed failure. Peyton was Tiger Sunday fist-pumping for his little bro. Shockey was advertising his G-Shock watch and simultaneously triple fisting a Budweiser, Margarita, and glass o Boxed Wine. Gibril got his ring. Strahan solidified one of the greatest careers of all-time. Madison Hedgecock called the Rams and personally thanked them for cutting him after Week 1. Domenik Hixon became the first player in NFL history to paralyze someone and win a Lombardi Trophy in the same season. I think he owes Kevin Everett his ring. Tiki got a text that said "What now biatch? <3 Your Pal Eli - Champion. Leader. From: Eli AM 12:36 2/4/08," then he called Ronde and asked if he could touch his trophy. Archie j'd off into a jar and froze his super-sperm just in case. Lawrence Taylor relapsed. I burned some mattresses and flipped some Cadillacs. Scotty Norwood woke up in a cold sweat from a nightmare and rolled off the wide right side of his bed. Joe "Willie" Namath finally got his kiss from Suzy. Randy Moss began negotiating a new contract to be payed in Straight Cash Homie. Welker's getting Whiter. Belichick already began thinking about his #7 Overall Draft Pick while sleeping under a bridge with a shopping cart full of cut-up hoodies. Big Papi spilled his milkshake. Curt Schilling threw away his Tedy Bear Bruschi jersey. Bill Simmoms hates life. And Carl rejoiced. What a great fucking day.

Super Bowl Champions - You can't ever take that away. Just ask Don Shula, John Madden, and Charile Batch.

Oh...You Didn't Know? Your Ass Betta Call Somebody!

Ladies and Gentleman, Boys and Girls, Children of all ages. Candy Painted Cadillacs proudly brings to you, the new NFC Foot - Ball Champions of the World...the Road Warrior - Gibril Wilson, the Bad Ass - Eli Manning...The New - York - Giants.

Only 3 Weeks - 21 Days Till...

Pitchers and Catchers Report.

Meanwhile, the Joker danced with the Devil for real and Gibril and the G-Men are playing the Patriots in Super Bowl XLII. Here's some stuff to do instead of - or in between watching the Australian Open, old Fresh Prince episodes, and Super Bowl XXXII (or in my case XXV over and over again) highlights...


* This shtuff from Kissing Suzy Kolber is hitlarjewous.

- 16-0..."Why don’t you go snort some cocaine and drive your car into a telephone pole, you stupid daaaaaa-kie!"

- 17-0..."So fack you, Jagwuhs. Or Jagwiuhs. Or whatever kinda fackin' jungle animal you ahhhh!"

- Super Bowl..."Tommy Brady's droppin tha Hulk Hogan big boot..."

* Go Here (AdultSwim.com) and search for "Carl" or "I'm pissed."

* My boy over at A Tasty Pint has something for all you Cabbagetown Crack Whore lovin' hipsters.

* Ever wonder another name for the E-Brake or Handbrake Turn?

* And here are two videos my sponsor Cadillac has donated for all my thugsta's out there...



"True to the gizzame, stopped in the projects - sold a half an ounce of cocaine. Hit interstate ten, to Texas. Listening to DJ Screw just raised the Lexus. Called up Pimp C..."



"Country Ass Boy. Country like LeAnn Rimes. Mississippi David Banner and Lil Weezyana."