What UNC and UCLA Won? God Damn Bigfoot Ruined My Weekend and This Poor 'Tards Life

While you guys were probably watching Davidson beat Wisconsin, and UCLA and Carolina advance to the Final Four, I was busy...getting busy. Gene Morrill can relate. This guy who may or may not been the star of Life Goes On, was arrested on molestation charges after trying to solicit young boys, most likely in an AOL 4.0 Private Chat Room...But wait, he has a legitimate excuse! During his own childhood, he was molested by a sick, dirty man...bipedal hominid. He claims he was molested by Bigfoot. Yes, he says Bigfoot stuck his Gigantopithecus blacki inside of him. I guess they are going to have to change the mascot for the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver. We can't have a mysterious Nordic-Jumping molester who dreams of one day becoming the next Patrick Roy representing our greatest Winter Sports, whatever they may be.

Just For the Record...the Eskimo Tip

I am embarrassed to talk about this, but...

First of all, since my homie at A Tasty Pint decided to expose and advertise the Eskimo Tip, I thought I should at the very least say a little something about my creation. The Eskimo Tip is a secret / curse I unearthed in the year 2006. Its origins date back to 2001, but back then I was just casually poking my wiener around, all hopped up on marijuana and mom's home cooking - living in a carefree, mistake-ridden, unpolished sexual utopia or lack thereof. I was too naive to realize what I had created. The Eskimo Tip is when you put...well, let's tell the whole story.

It all started innocently enough. One night after work, I gave this...let's call her a...a...Polar Bear a ride home from work. She invited me onto her iceberg and eventually into her home. A few minutes of hibernation talk and I was in. After three strokes, I needed to delay or else it would be too late. So like a dork, I pulled out and amateurishly began to Eskimo kiss said Polar Bear. Fifty-five seconds and two weeks later, I had a problem on my hand. This Arctic mammal kinda liked me. In fact, she kinda loved me and I kinda liked my friends, and weed, and playing hockey, and porn a lot more than I liked her. I just figured she liked me 'cause I was kind of a badass. What a child I was!

So a few years later, I innocently enough thought I would bust the Eskimo Tip out with the sole purpose of making myself laugh - Just like when I bust my old Charlotte Hornets Starter jacket out...a throwback, just to be funny. I mean, the Eskimo Tip IS kinda cute...like Knut. I had been making a lot of "Just the Tip" jokes, and was going through a period where I was trying to acquire comedy wherever I could find it. So one night, I put it in this...let's call her, how about a Black Bear. Anyway, I just barely put it in, and decided I'd say, "Ohhh. Ahhh. Wait...Uhhh...You know you want it," as I simultaneously pulled out and began Eskimo kissing Mama Bear. Then, I put it in a little bit more, only to do the same thing again. I thought this was hilarious. Then I did whatever, giggled, and fell asleep in my basketball / j off shorts. I thought that was that. However, Smokey the Bear must have thought this was the greatest four minutes of her life because she was in love.

I had a feeling there was some kind of trend developing and it could have been due to the Eskimo kisses, but I had to be sure. So again, a few months later I ran into a hot, umm...let's call her an Arctic Muskrat. After much self-deliberation and many fearful nightmares, I decided it was time to unleash the Eskimo Tip on Musky and see what happened - for research purposes, of course. So I did it, and I did it good. One stroke - less than an inch still in. Some hardcore Eskimo kissing and "You want it, don't you"s. And wouldn't you know it, within a few days this...Arctic Furbearer was blowing up my phone and showing up at my igloo. Now that the Eskimo Tip has been tipped, all that I want to say is that you should use it at your own risk. Educate yourself. Know the risks and know the benefits. If you don't want a ManFluid loving Sperm Whale, a Lake Chub, or for you "suspects" out there, a Bearded Seal to fall in love with you, then don't bust this curse out. If you happen to bang Maria Sharapova, you might want to use it.

I know I invented it, but I never wanted this to go public. However, since one of my friends publicized and disseminated a classified item, I thought I would give you a brief history on the Eskimo Tip, what it really is, and how it originated. Sorry.