Who's Bad?

I am. Yes, sir. Me Strong. Bad. Man.



and Fast.



Real. Fast. in Game. Forcefield.

This is My Senior Night...Let's Get it Onnnnn

Photo Courtesy: UTsports.com

Oh, Knox-Vegas. You have given us some of the greatest treats on Earth. Super Bowl Champions like Gibril Wilson and commercial whore Peyton Manning. My older brother Chad Pennington. Country music phenom Kenny Chesney. The woman of my dreams, Pat Summitt. Famous hillbillies Homer and Jethro. World Series of Poker champion Chris Moneymaker. The fastest man on the planet, Justin Gatlin. Great Knicks, Allan Houston and Bernard King. Potential Hall of Fame first-basemen like Todd Helton and old-school racists like Reggie White. The two greatest wrestlers of all time, "Double J" Jeff Jarrett and Big Daddy Cool Diesel, Kevin Nash. America's greatest author Kurt Vonnegut. Al Gore Sr. and Dr. Jerry Punch. You gave us Johnny Knoxville and Randy Orton. You gave us Dave Thomas, founder of the greatest fast food restaurant on the planet. Quentin Tarantino and all of his brilliance. You even gave us wrestling manager Mr. Fuji. So I never, never thought you could outdo yourself. But then I saw something even I couldn't believe...

With the national stage all to yourselves after a week of hype, you beat Memphis in a thriller Saturday night. Now you are the #1 college basketball team in the nation. That's great. No more talk about Calipari and an undefeated season. Now we can focus on the important things - things like UT backup-guard Jordan Howell. 5.4 ppg and full of soul. How you have managed to once again outdo yourself is beyond me. Here's to the world's greatest city...Knoxville - or Knoxvullll if you are a local. It makes oh so much sense that you also invented the Dumpster!



It's crazy how good he is. It's only fitting that he plays his instrument while sitting on a bench because that is where he has spent the past four years. If the spirit moves, then let me groove. Let your love come dooowwwn. Let me do what I wanna do. All I wanna do is drain this three on you. So let me do what I wanna do. All I wanna do is be your substitute. Gimme good feelings. Well played sir, well played.

NB Hey, Heeeeeeeeyyy...Much to My Brother's Dismay, I'm Coming Out of the Closet, the Closet

"You are a bad boy. Yes you are!"

I am not sure if this is the appropriate way to do this. I'm sorry you had to find out like this, I really am. I know you may be disappointed to hear this after all of these years brah, but I'm 24 years old and I think now is the right time for you to know. I'm sick of hiding from everyone. I'm sick of changing the channel when someone walks in the room. I'm sick of waiting for the 3 a.m. replays. I'm sick of DVR-ing Chuck, Jet, and Ernie and then deleting it before anyone sees it on the "My Recordings" list. I'm sick of having to go to girls houses because you would rather watch old Family Fued episodes. When you are around, I'm scared to even move over to the secondary / NES TV with my closet love. And now that Choose Your Own Adventure or Lost or whatever that stupid show is, comes on Thursday nights at the same time, I will no longer be home for Thursday Family Night at the Ivy's.

I love the NBA! There, I said it. What? You got an effin' problem? I don't care. I'll move to Massachusetts, where my love is legal, if I have to. How do you feel about that? You don't know what it feels like to have to constantly carry this weight...this burden on my shoulders, constantly looking over my back, checking to make sure no one is around. I'm sick of having to put on fake clothes when I leave the house and having to wait until I get to top of the driveway to change into my Ron Artest jersey .

You should have seen this coming. All of the telltale signs were there. You should have been suspicious when the first thing that I ever bought with my own money was a pair of Jordan VII's. You should have known when I went to college and straight wore out my pair of murdered-out Iverson I3's. You should have noticed the stains on our old Jordan posters. You should have been curious when you saw my sick crossover / fake jumper - get the defender in the air, unstoppable dribble-drive blow by move to the rack. Bucket! You should have been alarmed when you found my secret stash of old 1994 Finals VHS recordings. But you were stubborn. You didn't want to believe it was true.

You don't have to agree with my lifestyle, just understand that I am different than you. You like game shows and fantasy worlds of magic. You like fat girls and Mean Girls. You like the OC and old Britney songs. You like Dragon / Skull & Cross-bones shirts and bands that wear makeup and eye-liner. You're a goal-scorer, a location / movement pitcher. You're finesse. You're Kovalev, JT, and Corey Webster. I get it! But I'm RAW, son - Power-I!

I like dirrrrtyy, dirrrrtyy girls and Skynrd. I like a good skip pass and lockdown defenders. I like Starks, Mason, and Oak. I like Von Wafer, Jarvis Hayes, and old Survivor Series DVD's. I like Molly Hatchet and Chris Paul. I like a good, solid backdoor cut and high ball screens. I like 'Sheed and Jeff McInnis. I like Ghostface and Chef Raekwon. I like blood and I don't mind a facial. I like old X-tina videos, Ed Reed, and homeless people. So just get over it and accept me for who I am, brah. Or else I might have to pull out my Beretta...



"Searchin for my car keys tryin' to get on up out the door...Shit, Shit, Shit, Think, Shit, Quick put me in the closet. And now I'm in this darkened closet tryin' to figgerr out just how I'm gonna get my crazy ass up out this house...I cooked and ran your bath waaatttterrrrr..."

Dean Palmer is Pissed...Dicen Queso to Your Baseball Roundup

Juan: "Dicen Queso."
Rafael: [waving finger angrily] "I have never used an electric razor, period!"
Jose: [blink] "Has anyone [blink] seen m...my hat?"
Pudge: "En una tarjeta de beisbol, realmente?
Jose: "Where th...e fuck is [blink] m...my hat? Raaaaaaaarrrrr."
Juan: "Cuarenta cuadrangulares esta temporada."
Rafael: "Hurry up and take the picture. Mi B-Doce tiene frio"
Pudge: "Me encanta a tipos."
Jose: "Even [blink] Dean Palmer will hit 30 homers th..this year [blink] thanks to u...us. Hurry the fuck up chico."
Kenny Rogers: [attacking cameraman] "Take the picture already or else I'll break every fucking camera you have."

Here is some baseball stuff that happened recently...

* A little late on this, but my boy Brandon Phillips signed a four-year $27 million deal with the Reds. I love Brandon Phillips. He is already one of the top three or four 2B in all of the game. He plays hard, hits for power and average, has great speed, and can damn well flash the leather. Hopefully he can cut down on his K's this year and improve his K/BB ratio and his OBP.

* Based on on 2008 Projections Robbie Cano is due for another solid season, both offensive and defensively.

* Kyle Kendrick was traded to the Yomiuri Giants in exchange for Kobayashi or so he thought.



* Kevin Millar is still a joker. The self-proclaimed mentally challenged 1B/OF/DH predicts the Orioles will win the World Series. Just keep OF Adam Jones out of the D.C. strip clubs, will ya.

* Gary Sheffield wants to strangle Scott Boras claiming, "I shouldn't have ever introduced myself to him. Period. Bad person."

* Manny Ramirez actually speaks English and wants to stay with the Red Sox after this season. The Sox have team options for 2009 and 2010 at $20 million per season.

* Prince Fielder has stopped eating steaks. "I really do love meat," he said. "I just had to think about whether I really wanted to keep eating it or not. Since I started [to stop eating steak], I feel amazing. When I wake up, I'm up. I'm not lying around anymore." So no more trips to Mickey D's with Dad? Oh, you hate your father? He lives in a cardboard box now? That's right. Well, there's always the memories.

Save Your $10. I've Got Your Thursday Crack Fix...College Football

The NFL Combine is here. Today we got to watch Offensive Linemen and Tight Ends weigh-in wearing only their underwear, and it was Awes...Ful.

Scout.com's Ed Thompson has a live blog running from Indianapolis. As worthless as it is to have a live blog running while guys are weighing-in and talking to the media, it is pro-BOB-ly worth reading if you got that itch.

Press Conferences air live on the NFL Network Friday at 2:30 pm and Saturday and Sunday at 2:00 pm.

Workouts also air live on NFL Network Saturday through Tuesday at 11:00 am.
* Saturday - Offensive Linemen, Tight Ends, and Kickers
* Sunday - Quarterbacks, Running Backs, and Wide Receivers
* Monday - Defensive Lineman and Linebackers
* Tuesday - Corners and Safeties

Good luck to Thomas Brown, Kregg Lumpkin, and Marcus Howard.

The SEC had a solid weekend of nonsense.

* LSU QB Ryan Perrilloux was suspended indefinitely for an undisclosed team violation. Everyone is saying Les Miles should dismiss him from the team, but Miles loves winning so we will see what happens.

* One of the Colquitt Clowns, Tennessee punter Britton, was suspended for the first five games of next season and had his scholarship revoked after a DUI over the weekend. It was reported he had a Zalad in the passenger seat.

* Some Gamecocks including WR Dion Lecorn got busted with a "leafy substance" and were suspended from all team activities indefinitely. Spurrier recruits love two things: weed and shankings.

Then there is this...

Me: "Hey baby! Baby, go home, man! It's 3 o'clock in the morning man, what the fuck are you doing up?"

Baby: "I'm drying my Jean Shorts."



And this Georgia football recruit ballin'...



Update: Chicken Wings & Haters decided today was a good day to talk about crack and Tyrone Biggums as well. Check it. Booyakasha! February 22 - 2:30 am

Don't You Know I'm A Super-Being, Holmes?

What a way for a true American to spend a Wednesday afternoon. That was one of the most asinine, outrageously filthy, "I'll do what I need to do to win because I'm the Greatest Human Being on the Planet" performances that I have ever seen.

Down three with five holes to play at the WGC-Accenture Match Play, Tiger was frustrated and J.B. Holmes was well on his way to a memorable upset and a surprising trip to the Second Round. Then out of nowhere, Tiger decided he'd go birdie, birdie, birdie on 14, 15, and 16 including the skraight drainage of a putts from 15 and 18 feet. No big deal. All square at 17, Tiger was in the rough and about 300 yards away. "Stevie, how about a 5-wood!" Is this friggin' guy serious? Super-Being proceeds to hammer it out of the rough and onto the green in two. Unreal. That shot was followed by a 35-foot eagle drain and Tiger was somehow up one heading to the tee at 18. Holmes was left to wonder, "How the eff did that just happen?" and missed an 8-footer on the 18th green that would have extended that match. And there I was, just sitting there, shaking my head in disbelief, in awe and wonderment. A freakin' 5-wood! From there?

Oh yeah, 31 other guys also won. And 31 bums lost. But seriously, who really cares about them?



That blast off the tee at Doral is my favorite.

A Candy Painted Countdown to the Masters.

Just For the Record...the Eskimo Tip

I am embarrassed to talk about this, but...

First of all, since my homie at A Tasty Pint decided to expose and advertise the Eskimo Tip, I thought I should at the very least say a little something about my creation. The Eskimo Tip is a secret / curse I unearthed in the year 2006. Its origins date back to 2001, but back then I was just casually poking my wiener around, all hopped up on marijuana and mom's home cooking - living in a carefree, mistake-ridden, unpolished sexual utopia or lack thereof. I was too naive to realize what I had created. The Eskimo Tip is when you put...well, let's tell the whole story.

It all started innocently enough. One night after work, I gave this...let's call her a...a...Polar Bear a ride home from work. She invited me onto her iceberg and eventually into her home. A few minutes of hibernation talk and I was in. After three strokes, I needed to delay or else it would be too late. So like a dork, I pulled out and amateurishly began to Eskimo kiss said Polar Bear. Fifty-five seconds and two weeks later, I had a problem on my hand. This Arctic mammal kinda liked me. In fact, she kinda loved me and I kinda liked my friends, and weed, and playing hockey, and porn a lot more than I liked her. I just figured she liked me 'cause I was kind of a badass. What a child I was!

So a few years later, I innocently enough thought I would bust the Eskimo Tip out with the sole purpose of making myself laugh - Just like when I bust my old Charlotte Hornets Starter jacket out...a throwback, just to be funny. I mean, the Eskimo Tip IS kinda cute...like Knut. I had been making a lot of "Just the Tip" jokes, and was going through a period where I was trying to acquire comedy wherever I could find it. So one night, I put it in this...let's call her, how about a Black Bear. Anyway, I just barely put it in, and decided I'd say, "Ohhh. Ahhh. Wait...Uhhh...You know you want it," as I simultaneously pulled out and began Eskimo kissing Mama Bear. Then, I put it in a little bit more, only to do the same thing again. I thought this was hilarious. Then I did whatever, giggled, and fell asleep in my basketball / j off shorts. I thought that was that. However, Smokey the Bear must have thought this was the greatest four minutes of her life because she was in love.

I had a feeling there was some kind of trend developing and it could have been due to the Eskimo kisses, but I had to be sure. So again, a few months later I ran into a hot, umm...let's call her an Arctic Muskrat. After much self-deliberation and many fearful nightmares, I decided it was time to unleash the Eskimo Tip on Musky and see what happened - for research purposes, of course. So I did it, and I did it good. One stroke - less than an inch still in. Some hardcore Eskimo kissing and "You want it, don't you"s. And wouldn't you know it, within a few days this...Arctic Furbearer was blowing up my phone and showing up at my igloo. Now that the Eskimo Tip has been tipped, all that I want to say is that you should use it at your own risk. Educate yourself. Know the risks and know the benefits. If you don't want a ManFluid loving Sperm Whale, a Lake Chub, or for you "suspects" out there, a Bearded Seal to fall in love with you, then don't bust this curse out. If you happen to bang Maria Sharapova, you might want to use it.

I know I invented it, but I never wanted this to go public. However, since one of my friends publicized and disseminated a classified item, I thought I would give you a brief history on the Eskimo Tip, what it really is, and how it originated. Sorry.

Youssif's Dad Traded After All - Meaning This Kidd Will Get Some Much Deserved Facetime

After a bunch of circumspection, the Mavericks and New Jersey Nets have completed the trade that will send PG Jason Kidd and his unfortunate son to Dallas. The completed deal sends Kidd, G/F Antoine Wright, and F Malik Allen to the Mavs in exchange for G Devin Harris, C DeSagana Diop, Maurice Ager (who I guess plays the 2, although I am not really sure if he actually plays at all), F Trenton Hassell, Keith Van Horn's coffin, two future first-round draft picks, and $3 million. Between expiring contracts and the salary cap, NBA trades are mostly ridiculous and this one was especially complicated with the Devean George mess, Stackhouse admitting to looking forward to thirty days of rest, and the swapping of retired players and dead bodies. But it got done. And now the Nets get their point guard of the future and some first-round picks, and the Mavs get the guy who can potentially lead them to a championship. Everyone should happy. Especially this Kidd...



Poor TJ. Sitting baseline, he got a little too close to the Suns. A frightened spectator and obvious NBA Jam fan shouted, "He's on Fire!" And just like that, his life changed forever. It's all good though. I hear Dallas has some of the best medical facilities in the world. Get Well Soon lil' Kidd. We look forward to seeing you pre-game ballin' on the American Airlines Center floor in no time.

Papelbon Predicts 162-0 Season

God, I hate you more than 90 Day Jane.

Here's the quote...

"If we're not the team to beat," Jonathan Papelbon said Thursday, "I'd like to know who is. I think that our No. 1 thing is to stay healthy. If we do that, I don't know who can really compete with us."

It's all good you think you are the team to beat. I have no probs with that, but you "don't know who can really compete with" you? Isn't this baseball where you are pretty much guaranteed to lose at least 60 games? Don't you play in the same league as the Yankees, Tigers, Indians, and Angels? Why even play the 2008 season? Just go ahead and give the Sox the trophy. While you are at it, pry the Lombardi Trophy out of Eli's hands and give it to Belichick and the Pats. Cancel the rest of the NBA season and crown Danny Ainge, the Truth, the Big Ticket, and Jesus Shuttlesworth NBA Champions. I mean, you did invent basketball, right? Give Matt Damon the Best Actor Oscar for The Bourne Ultimatum. Cause nobody can compete with Boston.

Next president - Mitt Romney by default. Bow down to us, ya facks. We are bettahhh than all of yahhhs. Greatest band evahhh - Dropkick Murphy's. Greatest movie evahhh - The Departed or maybe, Good Will Hunting. Greatest hittahhh evahhh - Ted Williams' frozen corpse. Greatest coach evahhh - tie between Belichick and Arnold Jacob Red Auerbach. Greatest beer evahhh - Sam Adams. Greatest hawkey playaah evahhhh - Bobby Orrrrrrrr. Greatest rawwwk evahhh - Plymouth. Greatest family evahhh - Kennedy's. Greatest airpawwrtt evahhh - Logan International. Greatest Red Sawwwwwkk Evahhh - Schilling's bloody one. Greatest school evahhh - MIT, no Hahhhhvaad. Greatest flowaahhh evahhh - the Mayflowahhh. Greatest hawwliday evahhh - St. Patty's Day. Greatest food evahhh - Chowwdahhh. And greatest human being evahhh - Johnny fackin' Appleseed.

Fuck off, Papelbon. You big douche. Listen to this while you j off and shut up.

Devean George Cock Blocks a Kidd

The Dallas Mavericks have a problem. Sure, they are 35-18 and only two games behind New Orleans for the best record in the West. But they are terrible away from American Airlines Center with road losses that include Atlanta, Portland, Indiana, Milwaukee, Sacramento, New Jersey, and Philly. The Mavs are 12-15 on the road. They also need a point guard, a leader. Devin Harris is a solid player with a chance to be really good, but Skip 2 My Lou averages more assists per game than Devin. He is right outside the Top 20 with a 5.3 APG average. That may be more indicative of the Mavericks style of play and may be a result of JT and Dirk handling the ball a lot as well. I love Devin Harris and I hate Jason Kidd, but you can't deny the truth. Kidd is one of the best ball handlers and game managers ever. His versatility, vision, and ability to make everyone on the court better makes him one of the greatest point guards in human history. Even at his age, he is still puttin' up ridiculous numbers - an 11 point, 8 board, 10 assist average. And the Mavs want him and are willing to give up a shit load to get him.

The proposed trade calls for J Kidd and Malik Allen to be swapped from NJ to Dallas in exchange for Devin Harris, Jerry Stackhouse, DeSagana Diop, Maurice Ager, Devean George, $3 million and two first-round picks. The Mavs would be giving up a lot. But they also realize that with 9 or 10 really good teams in the West, they need to do something to get them past defending champs San Antonio, Phoenix and the Lake Show who both have recently made moves aimed at winning a championship, and even Utah, New Orleans, and Golden State.

The only problem is that Devean George, who averages 15 min and 3.8 ppg, used his right to block the deal - "a right afforded to George via a little-known league rule affecting certain players with one-year contracts." Now I'm not going to bash Devean because he has the right to do this and I'm sure it would affect his livelihood and contract status. Plus, who the hell wants to go to Jersey? But after this was reported on Wednesday, George was allowed to play 33 minutes. And he wen't 0-11 from the field and 0-2 from the free throw line. 0-11! And they tried to give you two free points and you missed those too? There should be a little-known league rule that says if you block a trade and then go out and throw up 11 bricks in a row on the same day, you lose all of your rights. Not just the right to block a trade, but your right to free speech, right to bear arms, right to a speedy trial, right to vote, and right to participate in the pre-game layup drill and team introductions.

So here is J Kidd sitting at home, hoping he can go back to Dallas and help the General Avery Johnson win another ring. And there is Devean George - given an opportunity to start in the past few games, he has played 29, 32, 33, and 43 minutes in the previous four games. And boy has he responded. The Mavericks are 1-3 in those four, and George has gone 10-40 (.250) from the floor. Solid contribution son. Glad we are giving you meaningful minutes. I don't think Mark Cuban, Avery Johnson, or J Kidd is too happy.

"Not only did you get a ring in 2000-2001 when I deserved one, but now you are cock blocking me again. I will beat you like I beat Joum...my wi...i mean...ummm, nevermind."