So I am watching ESPN2, listening to Tommy Smythe "yai-de-de-yai" about Arsenal knocking AC Milan out of the UEFA Champions League Round of 16, when the "2007 International Speed Pool Challenge: First Semifinal" comes on. Some guy with the grossest Hispanic mullet ever was playing and I was falling asleep until I heard the name of his opponent, "The Ginger Wizard." I looked up and saw a red-haired psycho sprinting around the table knocking random balls in random holes and shouting "Come On" and high-fiving the crowd. Understandably confused, I went to Google and searched "The Ginger Wizard." I WAS TAKEN HERE! Immediately I was told, "Be Prepared to be Amazed" while the site was simultaneously bumping some dope-ass house beats.
It turns out, the Ginger Wizard is really Dave Pearson, "the world's number one pool entertainer and the most exciting pool player the game has ever seen."
According to the afore mentioned website, "Dave is a marketing dream for any company’s corporate event. During events Dave will try to break world records and will perform his amazing trick shots that have to be seen to be believed. His humor has audiences in fits of laughter and his skill takes them to unbelievable levels." A marketing dream? Umm...come on. Not so much. Fits of laughter? Geez, I can only imagine - a ginger with a poolstick. Like I've never seen that before. This website is the greatest thing I have ever seen! According to his bio, "the next challenge for Dave was the 24 hour World record which he managed to run 16,499 balls in 24 hours, only resting a total of 35 minutes through this ordeal. I guess Dave attempted this record because his social life was not very good at the time." His social life was not very good at the time? Well, when your own biography is calling you a loser who can't get any ass, I think it is time to do something else. Time to put on the ole' button-up and brown belt and go out looking for some tail. I ask again, his social life was not very good at the time? Yeah, I bet it has improved drastically ever since that fateful record-breaking day.
Going even further, the website tels me "Dave is a unique individual. He brings together all the good qualities needed to make your night a memorable one." Noooo. Please. No. The night (ok, nights) I drank 11 Busch Lights and watched my brother play Everquest was more memorable than the one I will hypothetically never spend with Dave Pearson. And what exactly are the qualities needed for a memorable night? Strippers, cocaine, booze, and a wiffle ball bat. If he brings all of those things to the table, than maybe then and only then, just maybe, I will overlook the fact that he is a red-headed lunatic who makes a living running around a pool table, and I will think about spending a night with him. On second thought, nah. I'll stay home and watch FSU play UNC. Thanks for nothing Dave.
Watch his tricks here.
And read others testimonials here. Try not to laugh. I dare you.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
The Ginger Wizard...Seriously? This Guy Once Again Proves That Red Hair = Automatic Dork
Thanks For the Favre, Brett
The last throw of Brett Favre's career was his best. Thanks for a great career. Between the Vicodin, ill-advised throws, silly scrambles, and post-game interviews with a dip in your mouth, you still somehow managed to leave the game as one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time and more importantly, one of the greatest Americans ever.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Say It Ain't So...The Gibril Wilson Sweepstakes Begins Today. And Jeff Garcia Has a New "Partner"
Today is the first day for NFL teams to sign free agents and Gibril Wilson is currently taking calls from potential suitors. The NY Post claims the Giants are preparing for Wilson's departure. We here at CPC would be devastated if Gibril goes elsewhere. Here is what else has happened so far.
* After the Jets granted Jonathan Vilma the right to seek a trade to anyone but the Patriots, the Saints pounced and traded an undisclosed draft pick for the former Pro-Bowl linebacker.
* Jerry Porter finally walked the plank and got the hell out of Oak-town signing a six-year, $30 million contract with Jacksonville. The Jaguars also swapped a sixth round draft pick with the Vikings in exchange for speedy receiver Troy Williamson.
* The Bills signed LB Kawika Mitchell fresh off a Super Bowl season with the Giants. Candy Painted Cadillacs and Giants fans everywhere wish you the best of luck. Lots of late-night bowling and ugly girls up there in Buffalo.
* The Cleveland Browns re-signed Derek Anderson to a three-year deal worth between $24 million to $26 million. I guess Brady Quinn will continue to have plenty of time to make terrible commercials and go out and get in drunken confrontations with the gays of Columbus.
* The Bengals must miss Bid Daddy Dan Wilkinson because they traded a third and a fifth-round pick to acquire 340 pound raw-meat eating Shaun Rogers from the Lions. They also reached a three-year agreement with linebacker and bow-tie enthusiast Dhani Jones.
* A kicker retired. Hey Morten Anderson, did you hear that? A kicker retired.
* The Falcons re-signed...hahahaha...re-signed Chris Redman. Hahahahaha. DJ Shockley threw a party when he heard this news.
* Tedy Bruschi's heart, or what's still left of it, is still in New England and he decided to sign a multiyear contract with the Pats.
* The Bucs made former Saint Jeff Faine the highest paid Center in football. Does he know who their quarterback is? Faine is praying the Bucs will run a 90% shotgun orientated offense. Do you really want Jeff Garcia's hands on your junk 75 times every Sunday? And what about practice? Garcia usually asks to take extra snaps after everyone else has left the practice field, so beware Faine. Guard your Faint. Guard your Faint.
* Asante Samuel visited with the last-place Eagles. Santa Claus immediately called and warned Asante he had better be worth the $10 million a year that he is asking for.
David Eckstein Primed for Huge Season
A woman in Kentucky gave birth to a baby. No big deal, right? Well, it turns out the baby is already as big as her mother. Hwaaaahhh? You may be confused, but don't worry. If David Eckstein can win a World Series MVP, anything is possible. This friggin' guy is a two-time All-Star, a two-time World Series champion, and finished 11th in the 2002 AL MVP voting. So it is no surprise that a 28 1/2 inch woman who cruises around all day in a tricked-out Hoveround birthed a comparatively giant baby. Watch the video.
Eddie Gaedel rolled over in his grave and came storming through Kevin Costner's cornfield when he heard this story. I mean, wouldn't you feel slighted if they chose Moonlight Graham to be the focal point of an American movie classic instead of you. At least Eddie has a 1.000 OBP. What the fuck did Archie Graham ever do? Stand on deck with a donut on his bat? Wow! 3 foot 7 and full of fury, Eddie Gaedel killed Ray Kinsella, his whiny daughter, and their imaginary friends while they slept quietly in their rural Iowa home.
I know I already have Hanley Ramirez, but eff it. I'm taking David Eckstein with the first pick in my fantasy draft because God has shown me that 2008 is the year of the little people.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Time For You To Break Up With Your Girlfriend
With actual baseball games being played and conference tournaments nearing, I think it's only fair to tell your girlfriend to go away for a while. Unless you are a Pirates or Orioles fan. In that case, you will already be 10 games out in May and it's probably a good idea to keep her and her crumpin' ass around. For the rest of you, don't worry. She'll still stop by and annoy you here and there and she'll still send a late night booty text a few times a week. And trust Randy Velarde when he says there is nothing better than hooking up with a girl while listening to Vin Scully at 1 a.m.
"All year long she looked to him to light the fire and all year long he answered the demands. High fly ball into right field. She is gone! In a year that has been so improbable, the impossible has happened."
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
That Didn't Last Long
Like a virgin boy on prom night. Or Bruce Pearl on a party boat. "You know I thug 'em, fuck 'em, love 'em, leave 'em cause I don't fuckin' need 'em." We doin Big Pimpin' up in Tennessee. Vandy whites out No. 1 Tennessee, 72-69.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Roger Clemens is a Not a Manimal
Is this the photo from Canseco's party?Source: Clemens Mum on Steroids at Astros' Camp
"KISSIMMEE, Fla. (AP) — Roger Clemens arrived at the Houston Astros' minor league clubhouse on Tuesday and walked straight to a fenced-in bullpen to greet his oldest son, Koby, a catcher in the Astros' system.
He snapped at a photographer who started clicking pictures.
"This isn't a zoo!" Clemens barked."
Good job writer. Clemens claims he is not a zoo animal and then you describe the area he walked into as a fenced-in bullpen. Ok. And then when he spoke, he didn't exclaim, assert, or declare, he barked. He growled. He woofed. He bellowed. He quacked. He cawed. He chirped. He squawked. He baaaaed. He gobbled. He moooed. He cuckooed.
And you "wrote" this article. Good work pal. Maybe your next article should be about how Clemens gets his work ethic from his "MaMa" and how much he loves Twizzlers.
Update: Deadspin keeps stealing my stuff! February 27 - 12:00 pm
Monday, February 25, 2008
This is My Senior Night...Let's Get it Onnnnn
Oh, Knox-Vegas. You have given us some of the greatest treats on Earth. Super Bowl Champions like Gibril Wilson and commercial whore Peyton Manning. My older brother Chad Pennington. Country music phenom Kenny Chesney. The woman of my dreams, Pat Summitt. Famous hillbillies Homer and Jethro. World Series of Poker champion Chris Moneymaker. The fastest man on the planet, Justin Gatlin. Great Knicks, Allan Houston and Bernard King. Potential Hall of Fame first-basemen like Todd Helton and old-school racists like Reggie White. The two greatest wrestlers of all time, "Double J" Jeff Jarrett and Big Daddy Cool Diesel, Kevin Nash. America's greatest author Kurt Vonnegut. Al Gore Sr. and Dr. Jerry Punch. You gave us Johnny Knoxville and Randy Orton. You gave us Dave Thomas, founder of the greatest fast food restaurant on the planet. Quentin Tarantino and all of his brilliance. You even gave us wrestling manager Mr. Fuji. So I never, never thought you could outdo yourself. But then I saw something even I couldn't believe...
With the national stage all to yourselves after a week of hype, you beat Memphis in a thriller Saturday night. Now you are the #1 college basketball team in the nation. That's great. No more talk about Calipari and an undefeated season. Now we can focus on the important things - things like UT backup-guard Jordan Howell. 5.4 ppg and full of soul. How you have managed to once again outdo yourself is beyond me. Here's to the world's greatest city...Knoxville - or Knoxvullll if you are a local. It makes oh so much sense that you also invented the Dumpster!
It's crazy how good he is. It's only fitting that he plays his instrument while sitting on a bench because that is where he has spent the past four years. If the spirit moves, then let me groove. Let your love come dooowwwn. Let me do what I wanna do. All I wanna do is drain this three on you. So let me do what I wanna do. All I wanna do is be your substitute. Gimme good feelings. Well played sir, well played.
