Michael Sullo is a douche. Now I know why you never talked in school. I am officially taking back the nickname I once gave to you.
In a strange twist of fate that can only happen on nights when you frequent the worst of places, we just happened to run into one of the ridiculous names that we had mentioned previously in the night. There were many names being tossed around and bandied about, but this one was extra special. I mean this kid probably hasn't been thought of by anyone in years, let alone had an entire conversation based solely around him (except that one time when it was cold outside and I told Chapter H he had a nice Sullo face going on) and yet, there he is - only minutes after his name was mentioned for the first time in years...he appears like fucking Beetlejuice. And what an appearance it was. This might have been one of the most convincing signs of God's existance that I have experienced in my life, and boy, God must hate one of us.
Let me begin with his introduction. We are standing around talking to his rosy face for no more than ten seconds when Johnny Liberty mentions that he might have seen him at Home Depot a few days earlier.
JL: "Hey man were you at Home Depot a few days ago? I think I may have seen you looking for some power tools."
Han Sullo: "Oh yeah. I thought I might have seen you too, but then I looked and you looked like you were twelve years old so I didn't say anything [Giggle]."
Wait a second. He said, "I thought I might have seen you too, but then I looked and you looked like you were twelve years old," to a tall man with a slighly graying(sorry man) head of hair? BURN! For real? It took you twelve years to come up with that one? Seriously, you've had twelve years to sit quietly, face blushing like a school girl with a crush on her teacher, and that is the best you can come up with. Twelve years to come up with something to say and you bust out that gem? Weak, so weak.
Then Sullo proceeded to say that the rest of us look like we are fourteen, and any kind of comment directed at starting a conversation with him responded with the worst insults of all-time. Not even insults, just childish deflections. I mean he finally talked, and he talked a lot. Yet, everything that came out of his mouth made me yearn for the days when he sat in class like Helen Keller and rejected my heartfelt offers asking if he wanted a glass of "wa-wa."
A cruel twist of fate may have brought us together, the best stocking stuffer of all-time if you will. So here's to you Michael "Han" Sullo. Here's to being the biggest douche in a room full of douches. The only problem was I like all the other douches. Here's to hoping the trail from your backyard to the Rudy's parking lot lasts forever. I liked you better when you didn't talk. Merry Christmas douche.
* I apologize for the personal attack and assasination of this guy's character, but holy geez.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Has Anyone Ever Been Less Deserving of a Bad-Ass Nickname than This Douche?
Friday, May 9, 2008
Editor's Note
So I took some time off to get my life together and some of you fruits have responded with anger. Take it easy. I'm fragile right now. Buzz Bissinger forced me to take a long, hard look at myself in the mirror. What I have come to realize is that although I have a big nose, I'd still fuck me.
The time off hasn't really helped much. I have already swung and missed (twice) and struck out (twice) more in one game than I did all of last season. I got a job working for a J.T. Marlin-like company and when I realized that this place was nothing more than a chop shop sports marketing firm, I began replacing the requisite business professional attire with my newly acquired Stone Cold Steve Austin vest, only no one seemed to care. They thought I was the best best employee ever. What they failed to realize was that I was simply showing up at work to make a complete mockery of everyone in the "office." I also tried to fuck my "boss" and to my surprise, she didn't seem to mind my advances. I didn't get the job done, but hey I tried. Anyway, I'm really going to try bring CPC back to relevancy. When A Tasty Pint is posting more frequently than you are, you have some serious problems.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Italy's Shattered Dreams
Today a stuntman in Italy crashed 007's Aston Martin head-on into another car while filming a chase scene for the new James Bond movie. Apparently, he was gravely injured. But that's nothing compared to the injuries these Italians suffered at the hands of God back in '86. Shattered dreams and shattered backboards.
MJ toys with their emotions, waving the ball in their dirty noses like its a slice of Neapolitan pizza topped with San Marzano tomatoes from the volcanic planes of Mount Vesuvius (I tried to find a Dennis Miller font for the previous sentence, but couldn't find one). Then he goes all Jerome Lane on the Fascists and straight sends it it. Thanks to The Big Lead for linking this video via Docksquad's Sports World.
Guess Who's Bizack?
"Guess who's bizack. You still smellin' crack in my clothes. Don't make me have to relapse on these hoes. I'm out here to grind mo' rapped up in the paper chase. I wanna fuck a fine hoe and Candy Paint the '88."
So what? You got a problem? I've been busy. Leave me the eff alone. DirectTV's Masters MegaMix and masters.org offering free online streams. The NHL playoffs starting and Sean Avery doin' work. Watching six baseball games at a time everyday. Gambling profusely. Watching the closing of the NBA season and the beginning of the playoffs. Chris Paul! Spring football. Catching bullpen sessions and sitting in the infield for another long, hot, and boring inning for the Pickles defense. Getting drunk and seeing what kind of dirty things these wildebeests will let me do to them. Getting a fade at the barber shop a la Johnny Starks '92. I might have even fell off the wagon and Rasheed Wallaced a few blunts in the past few weeks. And to top all of that off, apparently, I got arrested or something like that (That's not really me). What happens when all of this hits at the same time? Your blog suffers. And so do the readers. For that I apologize, but I'm still going to choose vajjggg over this shtuff every day of the week.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Old Man Clemens Hates Azalea's. He Called the Azalea's "Flowers." This is the Best Night of My Life!
Photo Courtesy: GlendaleGolfs.com
It's almost here. Hootie Johnson is getting laid tonight.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
gameCock Face Still Dreaming of Yesteryears
Hey Spurrier, if I were you, I'd spend more time worrying about keeping your players on the field and out of jail and less time remembering your old glory days with Florida.
When asked about Georgia and LSU, Spurrier responded,“I told people that when I was at Florida, we beat both of them 11 out of 12.”
Really? I told Jimmy you're still a douche. Want some proof?
Meanwhile, Georgia played their annual G-Day Spring Game...
Red tops Black in low scoring scrimmage - Red and Black
Checking in from Georgia's Spring Scrimmage - SportingNews.com
UGA's spring game draws praise from coach - SportingNews.com
Caleb King dazzles crowd at G-Day - Atlanta Journal Constitution
Analyzing the Dogs after spring practice - Atlanta Journal Constitution
Notebook: Moore makes a strong case - Athens Banner Herald
Bulldogs offense shines at G-Day - Chattanooga Times Free Press
Here are the highlights. Please mute the video unless one of the Baha Men is actually reading this. In that case, you can listen to your terrible song while Caleb King spins out of tackles, Asher Allen sticks people in the open field, and Mike Moore hauls in a few TD's.
Friday, April 4, 2008
Every Now and Then a Wild Bird Attack Story Comes Along That is too Good to be True
Unfucking believable. You remember your middle school field trips, right? Playing "The Nervous Game" on the bus. Throwing egg salad sandwiches at the white trash bus driver. Watching monkeys j' off at the zoo. We've all had our fair share of school-sponsored escapades. But nothing, and I mean nothing, can top this fucking story.
"A 13-year-old girl touring Fenway Park on a school trip was attacked by Curt Schilling's Everquest Character a resident red-tailed hawk that drew blood from her scalp Thursday."
The poor 13-year-old victim's name? ... Alexa Rodriguez. That's right. Alexa Rodriguez, of glove-slapping, "I got it" fame - purple lips and all. This smells of a Curt Schilling Everquest spell gone terribly wrong.
'Now back to the World Of Norrath. Schilling's EverQuest habit came to light after a 2001 game when his former Philadelphia Phillies teammate Doug Glanville hit two homers off of Schilling, who had just joined the Arizona Diamondbacks. Glanville explained to a writer for ESPN.com that the homers were payback for Schilling's role in the death of Bing-bong, Glanville's beloved, dwarven paladin. Glanville's tale: 'One day, Schill was playing his character, Cylc, and he asked me to team up with him in Faydwer, in the zone of the Butcherblock Mountains, to kill Aviaks, which are basically walking birds.' The pair encountered danger, according to Glanville, and Schilling ran away: 'I vowed revenge on the soul of Bingbong, for the negligent actions of Cylc." Hence the two homers.'
Oh. My. God.
Source: Hawk swoops from Fenway Park railing, attacks girl on school tour.
No really! I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried. Look for yourself.
Photos via: AP.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Me'sa Pretty Good Pitcher. Dats Why You'sa Should Be Liken the Braves This Year
Braves pitcher Jair Jurrjens struck out five and gave up only two runs in 5 and 1/3 innings during last night's 10-2 Braves win over the Pirates. Here's to being the best pitcher on a staff that boasts two future Hall of Famers, an opening-day starter with the 5th best active and 20th best career winning percentage (.659), and another pitcher who is making $15 million to do pretty much nothing.
Today's Get Away Day Roundup
* White Sox 2 - Indians 1. W: Dotel (1-1) L: Westbrook (0-1) S: Jenks (1). HR - CHW: J. Crede (1), J. Uribe (1).
* Reds 3 - Diamonbacks 2. W: Cueto (1-0) L: Davis (0-1) S: Cordero (1). HR - ARI: J. Upton (1) - CIN: J. Keppinger (1).
* Royals 4 - Tigers 1. W: Greinke (1-0) L: Bonderman (0-1) S: Soria (2). HR - KAN: M. Teahen (1), A. Gordon (2) - DET: B. Inge (1).
* Angels 5 - Twins 4. W: Santana (1-0) L: Slowey (0-1) S: Rodriguez (2). HR - LAA: T. Hunter (1), G. Matthews Jr. (1), M. Napoli (2) - MIN: J. Kubel (1).
* Phillies 8 - Nationals 7. W: Condrey (1-0) L: Colome (0-1). HR - PHI: C. Coste (1).
* Cubs 6 - Brewers 3. W: Dempster (1-0) L: Bush (0-1) S: Wood (1). HR - CHC: A. Ramirez (1).
* Padres 3 - Astros 2. W: Gonzalez (1-0) L: Villareal (0-1) S: Hoffman (2). HR - SD: K. Kouzmanoff (1).
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
If You Ever Take a Trip Down to Cobb County, Georgia...
I didn't know Mike Boyce became a Cobb County police officer! Next time I see him, I'll have to ask what kind of sandwiches they serve in the Cobb County jail.
"You better read the signs, respect the Law and Order. He carries a big stick, a ball and chain too. You're lookin' for trouble, he'll be comin' after you."
R.I.P. Big Boss Weaver Ray Traylor. Keep standing tall and standing proud. Even is Heaven, you are indeed an Instrument of Justice. On the bright side, at least your gay brother is still roamin' around at the Bucket.
Aren't You Supposed to be Grrrrrrrrrreat?
Brian Bannister, Leo Nunez, and Joakim Soria just held the vaunted Tigers offense, or should I say Edgar Renteria, to three hits in a 4-0 victory. Renteria had all three of the Tigers hits, all singles. Placido Polanco struck out to end the game, starting his season 0-10 at the plate. Hey Tigers, you SUCK! Final: Royals 4 - Tigers 0. W: Bannister (1-0) L: Cheating Asshole Rogers (0-1)
Lunch Break? If Break Means That I'm Not Coming Back, Then Sure
KC Royals (Bannister) @ Detroit Tigers (Rogers) - Top 5th : No score through four innings. Kenny Rogers has only given up one hit while the Tigers have managed to collect only two hits off of Brian Bannister.
* Milwaukee Brewers (Suppan) @ Chicago Cubs (Lilly) - 2:20 pm : Some overpriced pitchers for your liking, but even better is Suppan batting 8th in front of Jason Kendall. Is Tony LaRussa managing the Brewers? Oh no, Jason Kendall is just fucking terrible. And we also have a Gabe Kapler sighting. I want to believe that the Brewers can win the NL Central, but with Gabe Kapler playing center, that seems doubtful. Why Mike Cameron? I know you have Adult ADD, but why must you snort Adderall.
* UEFA Champions League Soccer Quarterfinal: Arsenal vs. Liverpool - 2:30 pm : Tommy Smyth, "Ya-di-di-di-dee."
* Boston Red Sox (Lester) @ Oakland Athletics (Harden) - 3:05 pm : The first three games these teams have played have all been entertaining. Harden and Lester met last week in Japan, a 5-1 A's win. Harden went six innings, giving up only three hits, one being a Manny Ramirez solo home run, and striking out nine. John Lester had cancer. But he's aight now.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Today, I Consider Myself the Luckiest Man on the Face of the Earth
Yes sir! A-Rod is Good. No live-blogging for me today. I'll be watching this game Al Bundy style occasionally taking my hands out of my pants to waggle AS22's 33/30 Stealth in my hands a la Gary Sheffield. But if you're interested, follow the game live here.
7:30 pm
OK, so maybe I lied. Wang has broken three bats through 2+ innings and Frank Thomas is SLOW. and old.
7:35 pm
Jason Giambi just flipped the ball 40 feet to Jeter covering second on a slow-roller to first. Did I say Jeter? According to Paulie O, his name is Jete. Sorry. Giambi might not be able to throw, but he sure can pick it. Thanks Donnie.
7:45 pm
I love Rod Carew Robbie Cano. He can straight...
7:50 pm
For those keeping track, that's one Jeter mini-Jump Hop on the season. Dreamy!
And the first "inside-out" base hit for Jeter. There it is. And one caught stealing for my man Dastard whose argument is hilarious with the most worthless stats ever to back up his claim. Worst. Argument. Ever.
8:05 pm
This guy...
8:25 pm
Blue Jays take the lead on an RBI groundout from Shannon Stewart scoring Marco Scutaro. But Wang got a big strikeout on Alex Rios to end the top of the 5th. He's at 73 pitches. Blue Jays 2 - Yankees 1. Middle 5. Meanwhile in Florida, clown Pedro Martinez has given up home runs to Dan Uggla and Luis Gonzalez some other guy whose name has slipped my mind for some odd reason.
8:35 pm
Another broken bat induced by Wang to end the top half of the 6th. He is beginning to remind me of this manster...
8:45 pm
Melky ties it up with a 320-foot home run to right. Send him to Minnesota.
1:20 am
Sorry. Wang ended up going seven strong, throwing only 92 pitches. In the bottom of the 7th, A-Rod led off with a single, followed by a Giambi walk. Robbie advanced the runners on a ground out and Halladay and the Jays opted to intentionally walk Posada to get to Matsui. Hideki hit a grounder to second which should have led to a double play, but Aaron Hill tried to backhand it and it hit off the heel of his glove. He shuffled it to Lil' Davy Eckstein for the force, but Alex scored to give the Yanks a 3-2 lead. Halladay struck out Melky to end the 7th. Joba in the 8th and Mo in the 9th. No Problems. John Sterling probably had something to say. Final: Yankees 3 - Blue Jays 2. W: Wang (1-0) L: Halladay (0-1) S: Rivera (1). HR - NYY: M. Cabrera (1).
And as I was typing this, Vin Scully and the Dodgers got a walk-off victory. With Rafael Furcal on second and two-out in the bottom of the 9th, Delwyn Young hit a ground ball in the hole at second. Ray Durham fielded, threw to first, but Young was safe. 1B Rich Aurilia immediately spun and threw home, but Furcal slid in safe to win. Gotta love some Vin Scully at 1:30 in the am.
1:30 am
The Mets lost to the Marlins 5-4 on a Robert Andino two-out walk-off home run, the first HR of his career, off Matt Wise in the bottom of the 10th. Petey Pedro started, giving up four runs in 3 and 1/3 innings before leaving with a strained hamstring. And in Oak-town, Dice-K, Okajima, and Johnny Fackin' Papelbon held the A's to three hits, one being a Travis Buck solo job, in a 2-1 victory. Papelbon came on and struck out the side in the bottom of the 9th. A win and two one-run losses for the A's against Boston so faahhhhhhhhhr, but no one can compete with the Sox.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Here We Fuckin Go Again...Like A Hobo I Was Born to Walk Alone. It's Baseball Season Bitches
Oh my god. Oh my god. An' I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time. But here I go again, here I go again. And I've made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time. Here I go again on my own. Goin' down the only road I've ever known. Like a drifter I was born to walk alone. Cause I know what it means to walk along the lonely street of dreams.
1:45 pm
Toronto Blue Jays (Halladay) @ NY Yankees (Wang) - in a rain delay.
KC Royals (Meche) @ Detroit Tigers (Verlander) - 1-0 Tigers in the 2nd. RBI single up the middle from Edgar Renteria on a Gil Meche hanging curveball, plating Carlos Guillen.
1:50 pm
KC Royals (Meche) @ Detroit Tigers (Verlander) - 1-0 in the bottom of the 3rd. Royals CF David DeJesus is already out of the game replaced by one car-jumping Joey Gathright. Meche already has four K's. Magglio is 2-2 with a single and double and currently on second base with one out and Miguel Cabrera at the plate.
2:00 pm
KC Royals (Meche) @ Detroit Tigers (Verlander) - 2-out single through the right side from Carlos Guillen. The not-yet suspended Jose Gullien unleashed a cannon and threw Mags out at home to end the inning. Still 1-0 Tigers through three innings. Gil Meche's pitch count is already at 53 and Verlander has yet to give up a hit.
2:10 pm
KC Royals (Meche) @ Detroit Tigers (Verlander) - Billy Butler breaks up Verlander's no-hitter with a base hit by a diving Miguel Cabrera. But he got Mark Teahen to ground out to first to end the inning. Apparently, David DeJesus re-injured the ankle he originally twisted during spring training. Tigers 1-0.
2:20 pm
Arizona Diamondbacks (Webb) @ Cincinnati Reds (Harang) - in a rain delay.
Milwaukee Brewers (Sheets) @ Chicago Cubs (Zambrano) - also in a rain delay.
2:25 pm
KC Royals (Meche) @ Detroit Tigers (Verlander) - With 2 out, the bases loaded and an 0-2 count, Sheffield takes four straight balls to score Pudge. Meche then got Magglio to fly out to right, stranding three runners. He's at 84 pitches through four. Tigers 2-0.
2:30 pm
Toronto Blue Jays (Halladay) @ NY Yankees (Wang) - game PPD. Game rescheduled for 7:05 pm tomorrow night. God damnit. I can't wait any longer.
2:35pm
KC Royals (Meche) @ Detroit Tigers (Verlander) - Verlander retired Ross Gload, John Buck, and Tony Pena Jr. in order, striking out Buck and Pena. He has six K's on 71 pitches through five innings. Still 2-0 Tigers.
2:40pm
KC Royals (Meche) @ Detroit Tigers (Verlander) - Miguel Cabrera leads off the 5th with a blast on a hanging off-speed pitch. He also is currently rocking a Hispanic Kid n' Play haircut. It can be seen here. MVP? Tigers 3-0.
2:50pm
KC Royals (Meche) @ Detroit Tigers (Verlander)
After a Gathright groundout and Grundlesack single, George Brett Alex Gordon hit a 2-run bomb to right. Butler and Jose Guillen then flied out to complete the top half of the 6th. Tigers 3 - Royals 2.
3:00pm
KC Royals (Meche) @ Detroit Tigers (Verlander) - Meche retired the Tigers in order. 99 pitches through six. He may be done.
Arizona Diamondbacks (Webb) @ Cincinnati Reds (Harang) - About to start.
Milwaukee Brewers (Sheets) @ Chicago Cubs (Zambrano) - About to start.
Chicago White Sox (Buehrle) @ Cleveland Indians (Sabathia) - 3:05 pm start
Washington Nationals (Chico) @ Philadelphia Phillies (Wife-Beating Myers) - 3:05 pm start
Tampa Bay Rays (Shields) @ Baltimore Orioles (Guthrie) - 3:05 pm start.
3:10pm
KC Royals (Meche) @ Detroit Tigers (Grilli) - Verlander walked Teahen to start the inning. Gload singled him to third. And he was pulled for Jason Grilli. John Buck singled in Teahen. Nobody out. Tigers 3 - Royals 3.
Milwaukee Brewers (Sheets) @ Chicago Cubs (Zambrano) - Zambrano struck out Rickie Weeks on three pitches. Tony Gwynn Jr. with a one-out single and stolen base. Two-outs, Gwynn on second.
3:20pm
Chicago White Sox (Buehrle) @ Cleveland Indians (Sabathia) - After a one-out walk to Orlando Cabrera, Jim Thome hit a homerun off Sabathia. CCy then struck out Paul Konerko and Jermaine Dye to end the top of the 1st. White Sox 2-0.
KC Royals (Tomko) @ Detroit Tigers (Lopez) - Bobby Seay replaced Grilli and got Gathright to line out to short, then was replaced by Aquilino Lopez. Grundlesack singled home Gload before Lopez got Gordon to fly out. Brett Tomko, wait...Brett Tomko is now in to pitch for KC against Sheff, Mags, and Cabrera. Yikes! Royals 4 - Tigers 3.
Washington Nationals (Chico) @ Philadelphia Phillies (Wife-Beating Myers) - Small ball for the Phills. MVP Rollins with a lead-off double. Shane Victorino sac bunt. Chase Utley sac fly. Ryan Howard ground out. Phillies 1-0 after one.
3:30pm
Tampa Bay Rays (Shields) @ Baltimore Orioles (Guthrie) - With future-Cub Brian Roberts and Nick Markakis on base and one out, Carl Crawford misplayed a deep Kowboy Kevin Millar fly ball. Two runs scored. Orioles 2-0 through the 1st.
Arizona Diamondbacks (Webb) @ Cincinnati Reds (Harang) - Orlando Hudson scored on a Conner Jackson single. D-Bags 1-0 through one.
3:40pm
Chicago White Sox (Buehrle) @ Cleveland Indians (Sabathia) - Indians start off the bottom of the 2nd single, single, single, bases-loaded fielder's choice to score Victor Martinez. Followed by a Franklin Gutierrez 3-run jack. Grady Sizemore also hit a solo job and the Tribe has batted around in the 2nd. Buehrle sucks. Indians 5 - White Sox 2.
3:45pm
KC Royals (Tomko) @ Detroit Tigers (Jones) - Carlos Guillen homered off Tomko to lead off the bottom of the 8th. Todd Jones is now in to pitch the 9th for Detroit. Tigers 4 - Royals 4.
3:50pm
Arizona Diamondbacks (Webb) @ Cincinnati Reds (Harang) - Chris Young and Eric Byrnes homered off Harang in the 3rd. D-Bags 3-0.
Chicago White Sox (Masset) @ Cleveland Indians (Sabathia) - Buehrle out, Indians still batting. Tribe 7 - Sox 2.
Tampa Bay Rays (Shields) @ Baltimore Orioles (Guthrie) - Rays get three runs in the 3rd. Rays 3 - Orioles 2.
Milwaukee Brewers (Sheets) @ Chicago Cubs (Zambrano) - Back in a rain delay after Zambrano struck out to lead off the top of the 3rd. Each team with 1 hit. No score.
4:45pm
KC Royals (Soria) @ Detroit Tigers (Bautista) - With Denny Bautista on the mound for his second inning of work, Mark Teahen led off the top of the 11th with a walk. Gload then "sac"ked him over. John Buck singled up the middle and new "Center Fielder" Brandon Inge gunned Teahen out at home with Buck advancing to second on the throw. However, Tony Pena followed that with a huge two-out single to plate Buck and give the Royals the lead. Royals closer Joakim Soria came on to pitch the bottom half of the 11th and after a lead-off double by Clete Thomas and a sac bunt by Brandon Inge, Soria struck out Renteria. With two down Polanco ripped one down to third where Alex Gordon made a beautiful game-saving diving stop to rob Polanco of the tying hit. Final: Royals 5 - Tigers 4. W: Nunez (1-0) L: Bautista (0-1) S: Soria (1). HR - KAN: A. Gordon (1) DET: C. Guillen (1), M. Cabrera (1)
And I'm spent.
Bravo! Say Hello to Your First Place Trashionals
Photo Courtesy: AP - Pablo Martinez Monsivais
Ryan Zimmerman. Walk. Off. Washington Cast-Offs victorious. Aren't you glad that everyone is picking you to represent the NL in the Word Series, Bravos? Say hello to the cellar. I'm sure the Marlins will enjoy not being there for a day or two. I know for a fact that this Expos Nats fan is happy.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
My God. Why Did Wisconsin Lose the Other Night? Glad You Asked
Stephen Curry? Getting outscored by 17 in the second half? 12 turnovers to Davidson's 5? No, no, and no.
That is Wisconsin basketball coach Bo Ryan. Apparently Bo is both a pimp and an accomplished dancer. I have a sneaking suspicion that he may also be black. Not only did he perfect and crank the Soulja Boy, but he also is an expert at the old plantation schoolyard classic the Hambone aka the Juba Dance. Inform yourself.
Seriously though, the stellar careers of Wisconsin seniors Michael Flowers, Brian Butch, and Greg Stiemsma are over. Truth be told, they had a pretty good run. And Bo is not only a pretty entertaining guy, but also a damn good basketball coach with a great defensive mind. He has taught me how to defend down screens and how to prevent low-post entry passes. Thanks, Bo. Keep hiding behind that JabbaWockeeZ mask and no one will ever suspect a thing.
What UNC and UCLA Won? God Damn Bigfoot Ruined My Weekend and This Poor 'Tards Life
While you guys were probably watching Davidson beat Wisconsin, and UCLA and Carolina advance to the Final Four, I was busy...getting busy. Gene Morrill can relate. This guy who may or may not been the star of Life Goes On, was arrested on molestation charges after trying to solicit young boys, most likely in an AOL 4.0 Private Chat Room...But wait, he has a legitimate excuse! During his own childhood, he was molested by a sick, dirty man...bipedal hominid. He claims he was molested by Bigfoot. Yes, he says Bigfoot stuck his Gigantopithecus blacki inside of him. I guess they are going to have to change the mascot for the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver. We can't have a mysterious Nordic-Jumping molester who dreams of one day becoming the next Patrick Roy representing our greatest Winter Sports, whatever they may be.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Time to Bust Out the Black Socks
The Sweet Sixteen kicks off today and Chris Webber has officially retired. And then there was one...One Shining Moment.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
The David Lee Game as Told by Gus Johnson
I know that was awesome, but damn Gus. Damn. December 21, 2006. Double Overtime and David Lee somehow breaks the Trent Tucker Rule thanks to a tip-in with 00.1 second on the clock. But the real story is Gus Friggin' Johnson literally losing his shit. He sounded like me when I saw this...
Gotta love the NBA continuation. If you want more, here is the whole story on that play.
Get Your Duck Sauce Ready...It's Baseball for Breakfast
So the baseball season is officially underway this morning as Dice-K and the Sox take on Joe Blanton and the Athletics. I am awake with StatTracker up and running, eating my Cinnamon Life and drinking a Busch at "some girls" house. I just did the old "crack the can open as quietly as possible" trick. To be honest, I am actually kind of scared she may wake up and wonder what I am doing in her living room wearing knee-high socks and eyeblack with all of the lights turned off at 5:30 am. But if she's gotz a problem, I got five solutions...across her eye. (By the way, other than the eyeblack that is all completely true). Let's go Oakland. Little Jap girls and Jap boys have skipped Shogakko to see Nancy Drew strikeout twice and ground into a rally-killing double play. Emil Brown is goin' 2-4 with 3 RBI, putting the Yankees in first place where they will reside for the remainder of the glorious '08 season. And of course, I have to listen to god damn Steve Phillips. Thanks ESPN, thanks. Oh, baseball. How I missed you. If this morning wood lasts longer than four hours, I ain't callin' the doctor. I hope it never goes away. Here we go A's.
Update: J.D. Drew was scratched from the lineup because his back was acting up. Let's see...it's 6:10 a.m., the baseball season has been underway for 30 seconds, and J.D. Drew is already injured. HaHaHa. I guess those kids who skipped school to see him ground into an inning-ending DP will have to settle for a Papi bomb. March 25 - 6:10 am
