Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Just For the Record...the Eskimo Tip

I am embarrassed to talk about this, but...

First of all, since my homie at A Tasty Pint decided to expose and advertise the Eskimo Tip, I thought I should at the very least say a little something about my creation. The Eskimo Tip is a secret / curse I unearthed in the year 2006. Its origins date back to 2001, but back then I was just casually poking my wiener around, all hopped up on marijuana and mom's home cooking - living in a carefree, mistake-ridden, unpolished sexual utopia or lack thereof. I was too naive to realize what I had created. The Eskimo Tip is when you put...well, let's tell the whole story.

It all started innocently enough. One night after work, I gave this...let's call her a...a...Polar Bear a ride home from work. She invited me onto her iceberg and eventually into her home. A few minutes of hibernation talk and I was in. After three strokes, I needed to delay or else it would be too late. So like a dork, I pulled out and amateurishly began to Eskimo kiss said Polar Bear. Fifty-five seconds and two weeks later, I had a problem on my hand. This Arctic mammal kinda liked me. In fact, she kinda loved me and I kinda liked my friends, and weed, and playing hockey, and porn a lot more than I liked her. I just figured she liked me 'cause I was kind of a badass. What a child I was!

So a few years later, I innocently enough thought I would bust the Eskimo Tip out with the sole purpose of making myself laugh - Just like when I bust my old Charlotte Hornets Starter jacket out...a throwback, just to be funny. I mean, the Eskimo Tip IS kinda Knut. I had been making a lot of "Just the Tip" jokes, and was going through a period where I was trying to acquire comedy wherever I could find it. So one night, I put it in this...let's call her, how about a Black Bear. Anyway, I just barely put it in, and decided I'd say, "Ohhh. Ahhh. Wait...Uhhh...You know you want it," as I simultaneously pulled out and began Eskimo kissing Mama Bear. Then, I put it in a little bit more, only to do the same thing again. I thought this was hilarious. Then I did whatever, giggled, and fell asleep in my basketball / j off shorts. I thought that was that. However, Smokey the Bear must have thought this was the greatest four minutes of her life because she was in love.

I had a feeling there was some kind of trend developing and it could have been due to the Eskimo kisses, but I had to be sure. So again, a few months later I ran into a hot, umm...let's call her an Arctic Muskrat. After much self-deliberation and many fearful nightmares, I decided it was time to unleash the Eskimo Tip on Musky and see what happened - for research purposes, of course. So I did it, and I did it good. One stroke - less than an inch still in. Some hardcore Eskimo kissing and "You want it, don't you"s. And wouldn't you know it, within a few days this...Arctic Furbearer was blowing up my phone and showing up at my igloo. Now that the Eskimo Tip has been tipped, all that I want to say is that you should use it at your own risk. Educate yourself. Know the risks and know the benefits. If you don't want a ManFluid loving Sperm Whale, a Lake Chub, or for you "suspects" out there, a Bearded Seal to fall in love with you, then don't bust this curse out. If you happen to bang Maria Sharapova, you might want to use it.

I know I invented it, but I never wanted this to go public. However, since one of my friends publicized and disseminated a classified item, I thought I would give you a brief history on the Eskimo Tip, what it really is, and how it originated. Sorry.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Sorry is right. I had to stop reading cuz I got a boner halfway through...